Confidence issue with my 15 yr. old son....

Hi there,

You could get him to do what the big stars do and that is to visualise the match going really well just the way that he wants it.

Visualisation sets the body up to perform well.

It is important that he eliminately negative self talk though as although it seems just an off the cuff remark it could impact heavily on the unconscious mind.

Great topic this and I hope you can help him.

Ian

The first thing I want to say is teenage years are very hard, boys in particular have trouble talking about what is really going on for them and the best thing you can do is be there, loving him. He may simply have a tough period, and his hockey may suffer, and then in 6 months, a year, it will be over. You are not failing him if you can't solve the problem. I was a 15 year old boy once and live with one now. My sense is it's a very hard time to take in love, perhaps especially from Mom. On a certain level positive things said to me by my mother were all questionable. She 'had' to love me, think highly of me. I needed to know that other more 'objective' people (mostly my peers, but perhaps on some level my father) thought I was great. All sorts of things could be affecting him now. Sexual feelings, being a potential boyfriend, etc. may seem far away from the hockey rink, but confusions, low self-esteem and frankly normal nervousness in that realm, could make him much more likely to 'hate' himself in seemingly unrelated activities like hockey. Does he have a strong, warm man he can talk to openly. I ask that because my father could have helped me more if I had know he could really see me. He was supportive, but so closed to his own emotions, I felt like he really did not know me, because I felt like an emotional tidal wave. I also wanted to throw in from my experience as a step father that it is ok to get angry in certain situations when someone is self-destructive. A teenage boy may be more likely to believe you if you get angry, rather than softly lovingly telling him he is beautiful, talented, etc. But if you seem outraged by the fact that he is not nice to himself, sometimes this can be heard. I am not suggesting that you now try to get angry at him as therapy. But if you've had feelings of anger and stifled them in that situation, it might perhaps be better to express them. You will have to feel the situation to know whether it's right or not. Good luck and loving yourself and being kind to yourself in this situation is also good modelling for him.

Welcome to the forums Moreno - and a great opening post if I may say so.

KathyK - as Moreno so rightly said, it is impossible to argue someone out of their negative self image, especially family members - they always suspect ulterior motive (that you are just saying that to make them feel better).

One tip would be that if you want to compliment your son, be very specific; for example; "You have excellent awareness when you play" rather than "You're great at hockey". Then, if he argues, don't argue back.

It can also be helpful to talk about his past successes, but not when he is being down on himself, otherwise he is most likely to spot it as an attempt to cheer him up. If you can do this during a more positive moment, or when a neutral topic is being discussed, it is more likely to get through.

The best of luck to you

Roger

Thank you all so much for the wonderful advice! Moreno, I think you have really opened my eyes to what may be the real underlying issue here. I am divorced from my son's father, and now remarried. I am primarily the 'one' who takes my son to all of his extra-curricular activities. His father, in the last 2 years, has only been to 3 or 4 of his hockey games. He usually plays about 65 games per year, so that's not saying much. He does seem angry about this. Also, he doesn't have a very open relationship with his step-father. His step-father does go to almost all of his hockey games though, and is genuinely interested. They just don't seem to communicate well about feelings and such. What do you think I could do about helping their relationship? I know he really needs a closer relationship with his father too. Any further suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thanks again everyone!!!

If he is feeling in some way rejected by his father, or at least missing the connection between them, it's possible that attempts to make him connect with his stepfather may feel, to your son, like attempts to make him accept the change with his father. I don't know how well you get along with your ex., but letting him know what's happening and seeing if he could at least talk about why he isn't around so much could be a help. In other words, if his father could say that he loves him and he is still very important to him, and then gives his reasons for not coming to the games, it still could help. Best would be if he could show his interest regularly, actions speaking louder than words, especially with teenage boys who often have a great deal of distrust of words. Of course, I realize that part of the problem may be that the father does not have the same interest, or will not deal with emotional issues related to you both. But the first and best thing would be for them to connect, something which is for the most part out of your control. As far as the connection between your son and his stepfather, my experience is that it takes time. The boy's father, it sounds like, has somewhat disappeared, and your son may feel that connecting to this new man is not worth it. He may be gone too. It may also feel like betraying either his father or his relationship to his father to connect to this man. It's great that his stepfather is interested. A not forced being around and interested can over time open the connection. I don't know how much your son can talk about his feelings. If you do talk fairly openly and he can go into his feelings about his father not being around so much, great. He might have a hard time talking to you about that, though. Grandparents, counselors etc. could be a help. But for the most part, time, patience, slow changes, talking when you can seem like the best thing. From what you've said it seems to fall into the fairly normal non-crisis teenage type problem catagory.