Caring for a depressed mother - professional opinions needed

Hi Kaz,

You are very welcome to our forum, I hope you will find the information here useful.

I am not able to comment about the medication your mother is taking, but we can perhaps consider other things than medication. There seems to have been quite long periods when your mother was all right. You mentioned that her previous problems were 22, 13, and 6 years ago. Do you know whether she was in any particularly stressful circumstances at those times?

Have you looked at The Depression Learning Path? That site can help you understand a great deal more about depression in general.

It may take some time to uncover what information may be most helpful for you, so I hope you can be patient with us, and keep posting!

Best wishes

Kathleen

Dear Kathleen,

Thank you for your email.

My mother had a really difficult time since she got married. She had lots of problems with my father and I guess that caused her manic depression about 22 years ago. It was right after she devorced from my father and her father (my grand father) past away, which was 13 years ago she had her second depression. Those days I was just a little girl and was too young to understand what was going on with my mother, but I thought the reason she got sick was because she had so much stress from the relationship with my father and she didn't have anyone to depend on. However when she had a manic depression at third time there wasn't any reason that I could think of. Of course she might have some stress from her daily life but not major one.

She works as a nursing care worker at a hospital and sometimes she works on the night shift. I assume it is a very stressful job and I am not so happy about her job when I think about my mother's condition. (She is on leave of absence right now) However she is very proud of her career and loves her job, so I cannot ask her to quit.

Since my mother is suffering from manic depression so many times (up to now we think it is manic depression but not sure) I believe this is a problem that we have to face and try to figure out what is the good way to get along with it. I just don't know how. Unless she accepts her problem and faces it there isn't much that I can do for her.

Hello Kaz,

Thank you for giving that further information, which helps us to understand a bit more about what is going on for your mother and you. It must be quite difficult for you and your sister in this situation, as it is not clear what is the right thing to do.

It sounds like your mother had many challenges to face, and that sometimes she may have felt deeply disappointed that things had not turned out the way she hoped. Sometimes, realising what a big gap there is between what we hoped for and what we got can bring about a terrible distress which is hard to handle. I don't know if your mother is able to talk to you and your sister about her own feelings about her life - I know that how she deals with this may depend partly on the culture around you, and on the nature of the relationship which she has with you. But it occurs to me that if she felt that you and your sister could listen to her sympathetically, without judging or criticising, it might help her to talk about her life.

Have you or your sister ever asked her to tell you about herself and her past and her dreams?

Kathleen

Thank you for your reply, Kathleen.

Since my mother's problem started, these past four weeks I've been trying to talk with her when she seems in a good mood. I've been asking if there is anyting she wants to talk about or if she needs help. She only told me that she is just tired because she works hard.

I don't think she would like to talk with me about her problem, life or anyting related with her sickness. Because to her I am always her little girl and she doesn't want to show me her weakness. Even though now I am old enough to understand many things. Once I told her that I feel sorry the things are not going the way she wanted and she doesn't have anyone equally she can depend on, and I said I know that she doesn't count on me like that or maybe doesn't want to make me take that role, but as her daughter I want to be her help and it is ok for her to depend on me when she needs to. I tried not to be judgemental, and that was honestly how I feel, but she didn't listen or understand me.

My mother has been talking and acting really weird and that because she is sick. I don't know if she understands her condition herself or not. She is very argumentative to her psychiatrist and doesn't try to take her medication. I've seen her worse when she had her depression last couple times, so I am scared because I don't know how bad she can be without medication. So far she has been taking medication about for 14 days she doesn't seem getting worse but yet doesn't seem getting better either. I don't want to get her hospitalized again unless it is really necessary. I know once she is hospitalized the doctors will use very strong medication which sometimes seems more than what she needs. But again, to avoid that kind of situation my mother has to do what she needs to get better. At this moment I believe she definitely needs medication and maybe for long time she needs therapy and other alternative medicine.

I have been trying for her to see her psychiatrist and her to take medication for past three weeks. But I am not sure I am doing a right thing or not.

Hi Kaz

I hope you are still with us.

You mention that your mother has been taking her medication for a couple of weeks, but you don't notice any improvement. Some of these medications take up to six weeks to become effective, so this time delay may be normal.

It sounds like you are really doing your best to help. Even though your mother may not wish to talk to you about her problems for all the reasons that you say, there is something else you can do which might help - and that is just to tell her, repeatedly, how proud you are of her. She has come through some really tough challenges that would daunt any woman, and you can be proud to be the daughter of such a survivor. And you can tell her that as you know she has come through such experiences before, you have every faith that she is going to do so again. If she knows that you believe in her, that can be very comforting, even if she does not show that she appreciates it.

Kathleen

Thank you, Kathleen.

It has been a really tough week.

My mother has been taking some medication since June 1, but it was only for 14 days. She couldn't stand taking it. Even though her psychiatrist reduced the dose it didn't help her. The day before yesterday, she refused taking her medication and going to the clinic, and then started to criticize her psychiatrist. To me she seems that she doesn't admit she has a problem or needs help, so I asked her how she wants to treat her problem. She told me that she wanted to be alone and didn't want any help but I don't think she really means that, cause I know she wants to have a normal life and she worked hard to have that. If I leave her alone now then she would get worse and would be unable to have a life the way she wanted.
Last night she called 911, said she desperately needs some help and cannot wait any longer. I cannot understand what she really wants. One day she says that she doesn't need any doctor or medication, and the other day she calls 911 wanting to be hospitalized.

I learn about psycological disorder more and more, I started to think what she has is not a simple manic depression but something between manic depression and shizophrenia.

Today I took my mother to the hospital where she got hospitalozed 5 years ago. She had a blood test, electrocardiogram and urinary test, and got prescribed Zyprexa 5mg. Now she is really paraoid and extremely in bad mood. She cannot control her emotion. She is shouting and stamping her feet in frustration. I am not sure she is going to take her medication tonight or not.

My mother is getting be out of my control. I don't want to force her any treatment which she doesn't wish, but since her condition is so unstable should I consider hospitalization as an option for her?

Hello Kaz

This must be so hard for you. It is not easy to know how best to help, and you also need to be aware of your own limits. However much you love her, if your mother becomes very unstable and paranoid, it may be safer for both of you if she is in hospital, where she can be cared for constantly and her medication monitored.

People often feel guilty when they put their relatives in hospital, but in the end you know that she needs more help than you can give her on your own, so you need to make use of the professional services available to you.

You can also ask the psychiatrist and the hospital if they are aware of the recent warning given by Eli Lilly (who manufacture Zyprexa) about possible side-effects. Here is a link to more information about this.

Kathleen

Thank you for your posting, Kathleen.
It really cheers me up, so thank you.

My mother lives with my sister. I live with my gland mother but it's only 15 minuits away from where they live. Currently I am not working. (I've got a job abroad so my working visa is in process)
For these past 5 weeks, I go to my mother's place everyday and spend with her from afternoon to evening till my sister comes home from her work. Sometimes my mother says that she feels she has been traped even though I don't stop her when she wants to go out by her own. I know she has been really irritated and frustrated from her problem. She never tried to hurt me or my sister, but sometimes what she says hurts us very much. When she is in extremely bad condition she cannot cotrol herself shouting and hitting the walls and it seems she is losing herself and that scares us.

My mother doesn't have a good relationship with her mother (my gland mother) especially when she is sick. So it's only my sister whom I can count on in this situation, but I can see that she is getting tired.
I do understand that there is a limit for us to handle the problem, and doing what we can is enough. But sometimes it is difficult to decide how responsible I am as her daughter. I do have things that I have to deal with for my own life and things that I want to do for myself but I cannot leave her. I think it has to be changed the way we face on her problem since this is the fourth times, there might be the fifth time.

My mother has been complaining of a terrible headache, so I will take her to the hospital for checkup on Monday. And then I am thinking to ask if they have an available bed for her.