Please help me.

Inquiry Hostile Negative NonViolent Relationship Focused Asks for Books

robofishie wrote:I don't know where to begin... Anger is my primary emotion. Even when I'm happy I'm pissed off. The new Dos Equis guy on the commercial? I want to beat the living sh** out of him.

All of my previous relationships with women have been destroyed by anger, and bad partner choices. And now, most recently, the love of my life has left me for the dual reasons of my angry ways, combined with her anxiety disorder... As well as the fact that I have a very high sex drive, and she has a very low sex drive. I did not even see the break-up coming. It completely blind-sided me. I thought we were doing amazing, but she says she cannot be with me, and we are not talking now.

The pain is so great. I'm about to begin day 6... Since it happened I've been crying for long periods of time, and I feel anxious, which is incredibly unusual. Today my heart has been beating out of my chest from the time I woke up. I feel like I'm on cocaine, except the euphoria has been replaced with dysphoria. Oh, by the way, I'm a drug addict. Been clean for 3.5 years. I do NA, but right now I feel like it cannot help me. I literally almost feel like I'm dopesick. I haven't been able to eat. I think I'm managing about 1000 calories a day right now, which isn't too bad I think.

I have an abuse reflex. A verbal abuse reflex (I don't hit, thank god). I get annoyed all the time. I lash out unreasonably. I become bitter and mean. I become someone who is terrible to be around. I don't know how to stop it. I just want the pain to stop. God I want it to stop.

Please, give me advice. Whatever book you think is good to read, I will order it immediately and read the sh** out of it. I'm tired of the NA Basic Text, and all those 12 step books. My sponsor told me to read my Basic Text. I haven't. I read my AA prayer card, and felt nothing. I feel nothing but pain. I just want to stop being like this, and stop hurting. I see my doctor at the end of the month. He is a regular doctor, but he does my antidepressant script. I forgot what it's called, but I don't think it's working. I will see if he will refer me to some people to help, but that is so far away and I need help now.

I want to get back with my ex, but I know right now I need to focus on myself, and whatever happens with that, will happen. It's hard as sh** to not contact her though. I've been managing to not contact her thank god....

-D

Welcome to the Forum Mr. Robofishie.

I would think the Best Author for you is Ronald Potter-Efron. He has written a number of books. I just checked his listings in A_____ and found he has just published a new book – a College Text Book – re-working how Domestic Violence is handled in view of anger management techniques and therapies. This guy is probably the foremost authority in Anger Management. You can go to A_____ and read the promos and reviews and select what book of his you think fits best, but, for right now, I think you should start with “Rage” ( by Ronald Potter-Efron). Another of my favorites is “Anger Management” by Peter Favaro, as it is very well organized and seems complete; however, there are a few annoying little gimmicks he uses to advance the book along, and that kind of Thing right now might just annoy you. Ronald Potter-Efron writes very good Anger Management Books, and doesn’t use any silly annoying gimmicks.

Yes, I agree with you about the 12 Step Approach. Yes, it WAS the best thing out there back when it was the ONLY thing out there. But my impression of the typical 12 Step Meeting is that people get up and actually boast about how Low they Can Go. it is like a Competition! It can’t be healthy! People get the Subliminal Message that it would somehow be GOOD if they went totally Out of Control and Hit Rock Bottom (again… only harder!) because when they could come back again later, if they didn’t end up dead, they could Tell and Even Bigger Darker Sadder Story! But somehow to me it just not seem healthy to Brag about being a Low Life!

Now regarding your Relationship. I am a bit surprised that after six days you are still so shaken and demoralized by your breakup, but perhaps I am so old that I forget how long it used to take me to get over such things. But I do know that the Energy behind all of the Sadness and Gloom does eventually dissipate. I don’t remember being So Very Heart Broken for So Very Long. I suppose I should have kept a journal, so that I could go back and measure the Time Marks of such things. And now, well, It makes me wonder why Men seem to care so much, as I used to care so much. Yes, in our Culture having a Girl Friend is like owning a Car, and if the girl is pretty, it is like owning a Fast Car, and if she has money or a good job or an education, then it is like having a Fast Luxury Model! And no guy wants to lose That! Men often think of Women in the same way they would think of Property or Territory, and Men are Possessive of such things, and so losing a Girl Friend feels like a Material Loss, or a Loss of Status, or a Loss of Pride. BUT that is all just some Social Conditioning – it is Not True or Real unless we give it the Power to be True and Real. Seeing it Differently would make it all Different, wouldn’t it? So why don’t you THINK about it -- Women almost never make a Man Happy. Women come with responsibilities and demands, and what sex there is is very often very conditional… so conditional that many couples only have sex on rare occasions (married couples almost never). I honestly think it would be cheaper and better to pay for sex than to get it Free under the conditions of most Relationships.

Also, in regards to Relationships… yes, while your Anger is excessive and exaggerated, still, it has got to tell you something that Being in a Relationship did NOT make you Happy! Think about it objectively and I am almost sure that you will find that the Relationship was in fact an almost continuous aggravation. To go back to the ‘Fast Car’ metaphor – she was like a vintage British Sports Car – flashy-looking but engineered so badly that she was ‘in the shop’ more times than not – Super High Maintenance! Yes, a ‘Happy Day’ when you ‘bought her’ but it should have been Even Happier when you found somebody silly enough to Take Her Off your hands! Oh, and about that, yes, the answer to why she all of a sudden found you so objectionable. Girls get an Eye for a New Guy, and suddenly they can’t stand to even be in the same room with the ‘old’ Love of Their Lives. Not very Romantic, is it? Anyway, you will Get Over your Relationship soon enough. Then your big worry should be to stay away from Future Relationships. Consider that your Recent Girl Fiend is No Worse than any other Woman. They are all High-Maintenance Over-Priced burdens that you end up Carrying on your Back. A friend of mine once said… and he was something of an expert… married about 4 or 5 times with dozens of girlfriends… he said, “No matter how Beautiful the Woman is, there is already some guy tired of taking her ‘stuff’.

Anyway, Mr. Robofishie, do get that Ronald Potter-Efron Book. And I am sure that your Relationship Lamentations will soon run their course. Please check in with us every now and then and let us know how you are doing.

Thank you Leo. I have purchased Rage, because I think that looks like a nice book to help me. I've never read any anger management literature before. The book will be here in two days.

Your description of 12 Steps fellowship sounds ignorant. NA and AA are certainly not without their faults. I'm an atheist for Christ's sake! Haha, but nonetheless, I would not be clean for 3.5 years if it were not for NA. I know this to be true. I tried everything, and NA is the only thing that worked for me. The 12 steps are amazing, but I know I need outside help right now for my issue, something I'm not sure the steps are enough to help me with. On my day off I think I have enough willpower to start looking into therapists and sh**.

As a feminist, I disagree with some of your comments on women and relationships. I agree that society conditions men to see their partners like "props", but women are not props, and as I said, this woman is the love of my life. She annoys the **** out of me, and I love her, and I want to share my life with her. But maybe I won't get to. Either way, I need to get better. Today is just as bad as yesterday. I'm still crying and feeling anxious. I am somehow managing to somewhat function at work, but my self-esteem is pretty bad right now, and usually I'm a pretty confident dude.

Anyways, thanks for the advice. Who are you anyways??? Haha. I noticed you post in all the thread here, and you're like the only guy around apparently. I used your advice about jaw clenching a couple weeks ago, when I was driving (I have road rage too, of course). It actually helped, but this is very simple for simple situations. Anyways, a cool trick. I look forward to reading "Rage".

robofishie wrote:Thank you Leo. I have purchased Rage, because I think that looks like a nice book to help me. I've never read any anger management literature before. The book will be here in two days.

Your description of 12 Steps fellowship sounds ignorant. NA and AA are certainly not without their faults. I'm an atheist for Christ's sake! Haha, but nonetheless, I would not be clean for 3.5 years if it were not for NA. I know this to be true. I tried everything, and NA is the only thing that worked for me. The 12 steps are amazing, but I know I need outside help right now for my issue, something I'm not sure the steps are enough to help me with. On my day off I think I have enough willpower to start looking into therapists and sh**.

As a feminist, I disagree with some of your comments on women and relationships. I agree that society conditions men to see their partners like "props", but women are not props, and as I said, this woman is the love of my life. She annoys the **** out of me, and I love her, and I want to share my life with her. But maybe I won't get to. Either way, I need to get better. Today is just as bad as yesterday. I'm still crying and feeling anxious. I am somehow managing to somewhat function at work, but my self-esteem is pretty bad right now, and usually I'm a pretty confident dude.

Anyways, thanks for the advice. Who are you anyways??? Haha. I noticed you post in all the thread here, and you're like the only guy around apparently. I used your advice about jaw clenching a couple weeks ago, when I was driving (I have road rage too, of course). It actually helped, but this is very simple for simple situations. Anyways, a cool trick. I look forward to reading "Rage".

Hi Robofishie,

Wow! Great! It is always good to hear that my “Teeth Clenching” Adrenaline Advice works. You know, I noticed that in myself – that the jaws clench First of All Things in an Adrenaline Rush. But NONE of the books Say So. I think a problem with almost All of the Books (and I speak only of ‘good’ anger management books, not those written by ‘professional authors’ who might research Anger Management for 5 minutes before dashing off their book) is that they are written by Anger Experts and NOT by actual Angry People. The Experts may miss certain things because it is Not in their own Experience. But, yes, I am VERY Grateful for that Feedback.

Oh, now let’s get to Another Good Tip in regards to Anger Management. I’ve noticed that you still have a tendency to cuss and swear. Well, have you ever noticed that whenever you become Angry the Cussing and Swearing really Ramp Up. Well, it’s like that Universally! Every Language has its ‘Impolite’ Words and studies have shown that these Words typically come out the Strongest during ‘Altercations’ and ‘Fights’ – that is, when the People are Angry. So what exactly is the CAUSE and EFFECT Relationship here? Is the Anger Causing the Cussing or was the Cussing somehow Instrumental in Escalating the Anger. I can’t be entirely sure, BUT I have notice that it IS much more difficult to Ramp Up a Good Head of Angry Steam if you maintain polite speech. That Also Goes for THINKING. People who complain of having Chronically Angry thoughts, well, how much would you bet that they are Thinking in Terms of Cuss Words. Cussing and Swearing, whether in Speech or just in Silent Thought, tends to push us into Aggression and Hostility – Anger. So, stop swearing. This will be Very Good for your Anger Management Program. … almost as good as my Adrenaline Idea.

Now, your question about Who am I? Well, I was an Angry Person who decided that the most Effective Way to Control Anger would be to make it one of my Hobbies – I study History and Economics, Linguistics (though I am terrible at it!), I took up the Study of Math as a basis for a Second Career, I practice Music about 3 hours a day, AND I study the Anger Management Books. When I found this Forum, I thought that Writing About Anger Management would be as useful or more than just reading about it (as long as I keep up on all of the New Trends). But there are other “Helpers”, and some of them are Very Good and I can see that their approach may actually be more effective with some people than my own – I can be gruff, overly academic, and I often wonder why everyone tries to be ‘gentle’ with people who come here confessing to be Angry – they hardly deserve it! Part of Anger Management is realizing that Anger has its Social Consequences – it is a fact of Life that Angry People are treated differently. But, of course, you can see that some Angry People would be Offended – ‘Angered’ by such an approach. That is why the Other Helpers can be so Effective… especially with the people I alienate.

Oh, about 12 Steps. Well, yes, I am ‘ignorant’ to a great extent. BUT I did say that 12 Step is the Best Thing Out There, but the Problem is that There Is Nothing Else! And 12 Step DOES have a Recidivism Rate – people “Fall Off the Wagon” – They Go Back to Whatever It Was that the 12 Step Program was supposed to stop them from doing. And I have been to enough 12 Step Meetings to Guess That I Know Why – it is All That Bragging About Being a Low Life! 12 Step in effect GLORIFIES the Problem. How else can you interpret it when people stand up and boast about how much they used to drink, brag about how rotten their Life was. They make it sound like an Adventure! A Far More Effective Program would use SHAME and Humiliation, don’t you think? But I guess the People wouldn’t hang around for that to be Shamed and Humiliated. People LIKE being able to Brag about their Vices. Birds of a Feather! Join a Low Life Club. So, yes, I am Ignorant to the extent that I don’t know All of the Stats and Percentages regarding the Effectiveness of 12 Step, except that I know that it does have its Failures. And even the Successful Cases are a bit tainted. These People are encouraged to assume a Cult Like Mentality – Leaning on Religion like a Superstition. And so many Successful 12 Steppers find it difficult to Blend Back into the Greater Society – it is like they are Damaged Goods Forever. THAT can’t be good, don’t you agree?

Oh, about Women. You, and almost everybody else misunderstand me in regards to women. Remember that I said that “there is nothing wrong with your girl friend”. There is Nothing Wrong with any women! Where the Problem exists is in Relationships. Take for instance when you were a young lad – you didn’t play with girls. Boys did boy things, and girls did girl things. Yes, the Tomboys could be fun, but that is only because they had a Boy-like Mentality, and there were boys that seemed best suited for playing with the girls. But generally speaking the sexes do not mix well. THAT doesn’t change. THAT never Changes. Boys and Girls don’t ‘play together’ well, and there is no reason to suppose they should. The Only Time that Men and Women get along is during the Attraction Stage of the Sexual Bonding Process – and that is only because of Hormones! All the romantic books and romantic movies and TV Shows have sort of given us this Unnatural Conditioning and drilled into us a Set of Very Unrealistic Expectations. Now, yes, I do believe in Families, but NOT in the Way they are presently ‘organized’. The Children should be the Parental Focus, NOT the other Parent. Imagine trying to have sex with the Same Person to the exclusion of everybody else for an entire lifetime! They had to Invent Pills for that (they don’t Market those ‘Sexual Dysfunction Pills’ to Men – the Market is for Women who got tired of hearing form the Husbands all the excuses about being Tired and Stressed from Work. But actually, the Men were Just Not Interested and were being polite with their excuses. They don’t need a Pill when they have affairs with their Secretaries! But they go home and their nagging wife hands them a pill and demands that ‘he get on with it’ -- imagine the Torture it must be for a Man to be Compelled by some Stupid Pill to have sex with somebody that actually kind of repulses him. ) Anyway, the Mechanism of Sexual Bonding can go on for one’s entire Lifetime, or until Sexuality drops away… but it does involve Meeting New People. Of course if you have been selective your entire life, you would have a Great Respect for all your prior Intimates and could remain friends with them Socially. But the Sexual Attraction inevitably fades. And, yes, I am a firm believer in Woman’s Liberations. My child is a Daughter. She grew up to be a PHD in Psychology (and I am as Proud as a Goose of her!) But the Idea of Equality also impinges on Relationships, doesn’t it? Traditionally Men and Women had Different Roles, but the roles were complementary – One Earned a Living and the Other Maintained the Home and the Social Affairs. But now that BOTH are the SAME – well Nobody Needs Anybody Anymore, isn’t that so? NEED was a Large Element in the Successful Equation of Traditional Relationships, and we simply do not have that anymore. If people don’t NEED a Relationship, then that would make the Relationship Extraneous, wouldn’t it? You know , Everyone Should Have Expected that any such Major Change in the Social Formula as Equality for Women would have far reaching Consequences… and I have seen two – there has been a Decline in Wages…. Women demanded to be Payed the Same as Men, and so The Powers That Be agreed to Pay Men LESS – see how great THAT worked out! And there is the Impact on Marriage and Relationships. We can’t have Everything! Everything Involves Engineering Compromises. What it all comes down to is that Relationships can’t be expected to ‘work’ anymore. As time goes on, more and more people will come to understand this.

Oh, and Now you should be careful about Re-bounding. Unless you are a Stalker and want to get into some Real Trouble, you will let your Ex-Girlfriend go. If you meet her Socially, Smile and ask her how she is doing, chit chat for no more than 90 seconds and then say, “Oh, dear Me, look at the Time.” And turn and Walk Away. That is what it means to ‘still be friends’. It will reassure her that you are not Some Lingering Threat. But, if you DO get over your Ex, then you have to worry about being Attracted to Anything that Wears a Skirt. One of the Reason I Emphasized my OPINION on Relationships was to Give you Some Perspective that would Help Protect you in this Next Phase of your Life. Nearly Everybody has Re-Bound Relationships and they are ALL Dismal, even against the Standards of ordinary ‘dismal’ Relationships. Oh, there are Sexually Predatory People, men and women both, who like to be on the Look Out for people who just ‘break up’ – they make for Really Easy Conquests. What you Need to Do is Be by Yourself long enough to realize How Great That Is – the Freedom! Freedom is So Much better than the Chains and Bondage of Love! Of course, this might sound silly, but I myself really didn’t realize THAT until I took in a house cat. I suppose everyone needs SOME companionship, but few people realize how LITTLE that Companionship needs to be! A cat sitting next to you watching TV for an hour a day might be all the Companionship that your “Relationship Impulses” need. What I noticed was that I started to go out less during the week, and then I found that I really didn’t have to go out every Friday and Saturday Night… and it was saving me Tons of Money. So I thought, hmmmm, what changed? It took me days of thinking about it to realize it was probably just the silly cat that I was letting come in through the window to eat the food I was putting out for it. So, You may Need far Less than you think to be Happy. and No Cat ever Won a House and Alimony in a divorce settlement!

Anyway, good luck with “Rage” and see if you can work on the Cussing and Swearing Thing.