I want to hurt the cat

Hi Xrigorxmortis,

Welcome to the forum. Oh, before addressing this issue you have with the Cat, can I ask you if there are other instances in your life regarding negativity or hostility and that kind of thing? Is it possible to generalize about whole categories of things that would annoy you?... but you don’t have to deal with them like you do with the Cat and so that is why they are not a problem. Also, you tell us that your husband goes to work, and you continue sleeping. Do you each work different shifts? Do you work? When I was married, my wife was not working, and she would sleep in. I would have really liked it if she would have woken up with me and helped me with breakfast and seeing me off to work. She didn’t. So when we finally got divorced it did not exactly break my heart.

That makes me wonder, Xrigorxmortis, how secure you are of your husband’s affections. You mentioned that your Husband loves that cat. Now, remember, there is a mistake that None Cat Lovers make about Cat Lovers, and that is that they suppose that while Cat Lovers DO “love” their cats, that they also are able to put it into perspective – that while they “love the cat” they know it is not Human and so they don’t love it as much as they would love an actual person. Wrong! The Heart is not Rational and Measured in its feelings. Do you have some time? Watch a couple of Cat Videos. First, YouTube TheMeanKitty “Rest In Peace Loki” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6UtXRKKBDU&t=2s … a cat that has been in the guy’s Series for years gets sick and dies and the guy is crying his eyes out. Read the comments… the subscribers are crying their eyes out. A second video from the Talking Kitty Cat series, “Gibson’s Memorial – Frozen In Time” where another cat in a series dies and the owner is devastated. Read the comments… there are still comments in the series where people talk about missing Gibson. Oh, look at Talking Kitty Cat 33 “Where’s Gibson?” just for the first 20 seconds or so – the guy is too broke up to talk about it. Next, take a look at “ RIP sweet Scruffy 2007 ~ 26 June 2017”. It’s an old guy who let some stray cat into his machine shop so it wouldn’t freeze to death one winter long ago, and the cat becomes his Good Buddy. It makes you wonder how these guys could possibly love Anything or Anybody more than those ‘stupid’ cats.

Now some examples from my own life. Back when I was still in my prime, there was this young woman who was chasing me because I had a good job (or maybe it was because I was so smart, clever, sexy and good looking). She would arrange to meet me when I would be out walking my cat. The cat hated her. My cat would drag me across the street and wait for that young woman to find some excuse to cross over too in order to coincidentally bump into us. When the young woman would cross the road, as expected, well the cat would drag me back to the original side. The young woman got frustrated and asked me what my cat thought it was doing. I laughed and told her that the Cat must have thought that we could lose her on one side of the street or the other. She asked me why I let the cat do that. I laughed again and told her that I didn’t know for a fact that the cat wasn’t right. Then she said “Who do you like more? Me or that Cat?” That REALLY cracked me up, and I told her “I don’t know you, but this has been my cat for years”. Also, back then I had a serious relationship going on. Me and this more age appropriate lady were talking about marriage. Then I was ready to give up my lease and move in with her where I would take over a lot of the payments (and she never really showed me her ‘books’ and so she was probably maneuvering me into paying a lot more than my fair share, but I was in love, right? But within days of when my lease was to expire, she tells me that she is suddenly allergic to cats and that I could not bring Bobgirl the Cat with me. At first I said “okay”… but I couldn’t stop thinking. Every little fight we had had. Every time she looked at me with less than loving affection. Every time I had felt less than her full support. Every implied criticism. Then I thought about Bobgirl the Cat – and that Cat had NEVER let me down ever. So I signed a renewal of my Lease and called the lady that I had so recently been thinking about marrying to tell her that she needed to make other plans. “When can I come by to pick up my stuff?” (scattered on the front yard). Well, post script, within two months Bobgirl the Cat was dead. I think my ex-lady friend came by and kicked the hell out of my cat and busted up her rib cage. I still remember Bobgirl fondly, but that lady is just a cautionary tale of woe.

So now let’s look at your husband. Are you Really going to press him to get rid of his Cat? Remember, he goes to work and leaves you alone. Don’t you imagine that he ever meets and talks with other women… perhaps innocently enough, at first. But think about what might happen if he meets with a woman who LOVES cats… and talks about getting up early because she LOVES to make breakfast. You know, a woman like that WOULD seem to be a nice change compared to what he is used to, don’t you think?

Now, yes, I have cats now, and they do wake on up in the morning, BUT adult cats are surprisingly socially mature and consider, and they will allow you to sleep through the night, but they have an uncanny sense of time and they will try to arouse you after they think that you have gotten enough sleep. And somehow they seem tobe right about it most of the time. I have found that if my cats think I have gotten enough sleep, then they are probably right and so I just get up.

Anyway, Xrigorxmortis, I would suggest you make peace with that Cat. Watch some of the big Cat Series Videos (Cole and Marmalade) are good. Then there is “The Kitten Lady” Series, and “Kitten School” (two ladies that do volunteer rescue work with cats and kittens). Try to get a feel for cats and what it is like to Like Them. You know, a lot of people assume that women like cats more generally than men do. But usually men don’t like cats until they get one, and then they REALLY like cats. My father was one. My mother didn’t like cats. A lot of women don’t. They scratch up the furniture. Our Kitcat was not allowed upstairs in the bedrooms. There was no door, but my Mom would yell at Kitcat and chase her down if she saw the cat upstairs. Finally, when Kitcat was about 8 or 10 years old, she was coming down the stairs from a forbidden upstairs visit, when my mother walked around the corner and they met face to face. Kitcat didn’t run away, but just looked up to see what the reaction would be. Well, my mother says “Oh! Never Mind you darn Cat! You can go upstairs if its that important to you”. And the Cat understood that. You know, Cats understand people being Aggressive, Territorial and Dominance Driven. After all, Cats are closer to the Jungle than People are, and so they understand that kind of Animal Behavior and don’t hold it against people – Cats think that animal behavior is “normal”, you know what I mean? So, you could probably Make Peace with your husband’s Cat if you chose to. It might save your marriage. No, your husband hasn’t said anything about not being happy with you, but is that something that you would expect him to mention? You know, a lot of men learn how to Pick Their Battles with Women. If Talking about Something might even remotely cause a Fight, then don’t talk about it, right? So, marriages can drift further and further into trouble, unless the woman has some very sharp intuitions and instincts. Does that describe you? Anyway, let me know if any of this helps. Oh, what’s the Cat’s name?

Well about the other woman but, we are a polyamrous couple so if he meets another woman - great! He just has to be open and honest about it (I have two other boyfriends he knows). I’m also thinking because I’m pregnant with his son that he will compromise with me a bit. Just because I brought up the fact that the cat hisses and growls at children and I did let him know that if he wouldn’t let me get rid of the cat and the cat did something to our baby boy I would full on kill it. That’s where some of my worry is. I just hate living in a house where I hate something so much that seeing it pisses me off. I’m also thinking it would be more fair to have the cat live somewhere where it is genuinely loved. I understand people being cat lovers but some cats (I have known a few) live their lives out as grouchy and mean. Since he is married to me and made vows to me, I’m thinking we should compromise on this situation. For the first year of our son’s lives due to our money situation etc I don’t think we should have animals in the house at all because my son is going to come first as far as needs. If we do get animals in the future I would probably rather go with a dog.

Also if he leaves his pregnant wife while we are a polyamrous couple for another woman I think there are far more issues than a cat! He would never do that and I guess I know that. We are both pretty much on the same schedule. I am active duty military and he is my dependent so not only would he be leaving me, he’d be leaving his son, he’d have no house and no job. But if he still wants the cat that’s fine lol. In the end he has a right to meet who he wants as we are open poly as long as he tells me about it as do I.

Hi Xrig,

Oh, I was once in the Military! I was Army. But then I worked for years with the Air Force and Navy as a Contractor. I even worked on some Marine stuff. Oh, Best Wishes in regards to your pregnancy. Oh, when I was in the Service, I also was married. The Army allowed my wife and I to live in this one really nice duplex with a little front and back yards in what was a wonderful little neighborhood surrounded by well-maintained grassy fields. My daughter was still pre-school back then, and I have some very fond memories.

Now, back to business, I am wondering whether you have always hated cats, or just this one particularCat? I could understand your dislike of this Cat, given the situation, that the Idea of getting a cat was that of your Dependent, and that you feel imposed upon by his decision. It may perhaps not even be mostly about the issues concerning the cat directly. Have you ever noticed that when you have had Too Much of a person, then everything they do begins to be annoying – they chew too loud, they have bad hygiene, they drum their fingers, everything they say is insensitive, etc, etc, etc. But the thing is that you never noticed it before and it all didn’t just suddenly just start happening. It may be that your Husband is just getting on your nerves and that you are taking it out on the Cat which knows how to keep a secret.

I do hope your Husband has a good job and is letting some of his money go your way. I would suppose that the Military does not assess him Rent, and so your Living Quarters, which may actually be very Nice compared to what many civilians could afford, is all on You and for your husband it is a Free Ride. If you have reason to feel that you are carrying more than your fair share – Carrying Him on your Back – well, who could blame you? I once was going out with this one lady who had a really nice career going for her, but I was worried about marrying her because I suspected falling into that same dynamic, where it would seem like she was carrying me and she would inevitably come to resent it. Perhaps that is why I was so willing to let that other lady have more than her fair share of the lease payments, so there would be no doubt as to my not being a load that she was carrying. But her nixing my Cat, as well as a few other issues, convinced me to simply back away. You know how everybody says that “relationships take a lot of work”. Well, they need to add why it is so worth the trouble. When I added it all up in mind, I couldn’t see that she was worth it.

Oh, and, yes, I suspect there might be some economic issues with polyamorous relationships that may complicate things for you. For instance, traditionally, on dates, the guy pays the way for the gal. Well, this would be wonderful in regards to your own affairs, but when he Goes Out I would suppose it would be easy to imagine that you would get exasperated with him having an expensive Night Out On The Town with one of his girlfriends. You know how much effort it takes to save and put aside every hundred bucks, but then he goes out and drops $160.00 and has nothing to show for it the next day but a hangover and a grin on his sillyface. And you have nobody to talk to about it but his stupid cat.

By the way, I did some Due Diligence and did google searches in regards to “are cats dangerous for babies”, and also some YouTube searches of “Babies and Cats”. No, cats aren’t a big problem. Also, from a scholarly viewpoint (I’m well educated), well, Human Beings and Cats have been in a Symbiotic Relation for about 7000 to 10000 years now, that is, Cats have been Living with Human Beings, and Human Beings with Cats. By this time Cats know what Babies are, and even show Human Babies a degree of maternal protection. And Tom Cats are not aggressive with kittens or Human Babies. Cats are not the Social Animals that dogs are, but they have learned how to live peacefully in groups, when the situation brings them together. There is one rather famous instance of a Cat being protective of a child – Tara the Hero Cat had saved this one 4 year old from a dog attack. While the dog was dragging the little boy away by his leg (shaking and jerking at it), the cat charged at full speed and thumped into the side of the dog, forcing the dog to release his bite grip, then the cat went for the dogs face and so the dog retreated, and the cat followed it out of the yard, but then circled back to make sure the boy was okay. Here, you can watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Usxmpb1s5E

Oh, IS your husband’s cat “grouchy”, as you call it? It probably isn’t grouchy with him, is it? You know, Cats have been with Human Beings for no more than about 10000 years, but dogs have been with us a little bit longer. So Dogs have learned to Smile – you can do a search in YouTube for Smiling Dogs. But cats still just have their poker faces. But often they will half close their eyes, and purr a lot and walk towards you with their tails up like Flags, and all of that is a sign that they are being loving and affectionate. Oh, but yes, sometimes cats are just Not Happy with where they are living. At one time I had 7 cats in my house, and two of them that I know about had run away from their old home to live with me. They would escape their old owners and come to my door until we would have to make arrangements. You know, not every cat out on the streets is a Feral. Some are Stray Cats – Runaways. Some strays will go door to door, or they have some Sixth Sense about which homes to go to in order to Ask to come in – they effectively pick their next owner. The reason they originally run away may be because of too much discipline and restrictions, and crap that the cat does not understand. For instance, you need to wonder how your cat is able to process the abuse you are imposing on it. Oh, I DO occasionally discipline my Cats, BUT the trick to Cat Discipline is to let the Moment speak for itself – the Discipline is just One Loud Word or a single Cuff, and then it is Over. To help the Transition to the Next Moment, one can pick up the cat and carry it a few feet away, to provide the next Scene. Then it is Back to Normal and everyone is friends again. But a lot of people persist in the Discipline so long that the Cat forgets the original connection and it just seems like the Person is being inexplicably Mean.

What is Life like with a happy cat? With my cats, well, they sleep most the time, but when they are up and walking around, I talk to them. They each have some kind of a set Quality Time that they choose for themselves where I show them attention that they seem to prefer. You can tell that they are all happy with the setup. They have no restrictions as to what they can jump up on or where they can go. Oh, how Old is your Cat? Cats only become fully Mature and Socially Considerate after they are about 3 or 4 years old. By that time they know all about where it hurts to step on you, how hard to Love bite a finger without it causing pain, and how long they should let you sleep. You can think of it as the Cat growing out of its troublesome Teen Age years.

You know, I’ve been thinking. Maybe it would be better if you and your husband spent some time finding somebody like me who would love to take that Cat. Its not good for the Cat to be with you, but this is not healthy for you either – I am sure you would prefer to think of yourself as a nice, kind and gentle person, and not as some kind of Caligula of Cats. And, like you said, you are more of a dog person… (though dogs can’t be left alone like one can leave a cat alone all day while one goes to Work. Yes, people do leave their dogs to go to work, but the dogs are miserable the whole time (coming from people who have left video cameras running all day long), while cats just use the time to catch up on their sleep).

Well, Xrig, that seems enough for the moment. I hope that talking about all of this helps more than it hurts. Oh, and I wish you luck with your Military Career. What time it is to be in the Service. Nowadays people get deployed every five minutes it seems, and to some of the worse duty stations imaginable. I hope you, and your baby, will be able to weather such storms.

I guess everything is made worse with the stress. I really hate the military and I’ve been trying to get out. I’m hoping to be out by June if my separation request is approved and I think that only makes matters worse with the cat. I haven’t always hated cats, we grew up with them. I mean I had one since I was little then we got another one. I loved them a lot. But I guess now I’m more of a dog person. I don’t know anymore. I am very tired of him in a way and during my pregnancy it’s only worse. But he is a good husband and takes care of me. Coming from a crap ton of relationships that were abusive it is nice but sometimes it’s annoying bec I do crave that “bad boy”. As for the poly thing he hasn’t been on any dates. He is of coucourse allowed to date but he is exact opposite of me. He’s more into staying home and playing video games. Since we found out we were expecting I have backed off of the other two a lot. Pregnancy kind of took over all of the important and now I just sleep a lot. But I know it is sure that the cat probably wouldn’t do anything I guess it just scares me as a first time mom. The thought of something hurting him however unrealistic is painful to me and I know it’s not really logical... we both would be okay in this situation with baby and pets but upon separation I don’t know what our situation will be like. At the very worst he will be working and I’ll struggle to find a job while pregnant. Adding animals to the mix might be a bad idea as I’m not sure where we will be. The good news is I know his father would probably take the cat back. Then I think later after we talk about it and give it Time if we end up wanting a pet down the line after we are stable seeing how we feel then. It just scares me how much I don’t like the cat. I know my son can feel my anger right now and am sure it’s not good for him. My husband seems to think I’m illogical about many things and I fly off the handle. I’ve spoken about Borderline Personality Disorder to my therapist but hoping I don’t have some type of ASPD due to me wanting to harm an animal...

Hi again Xrig,

Well, good, that clarifies a lot. I understand you much better now. I’m sorry (for myself and my faith in my own good judgment) that I did not pick up on the Military Stress Issue, although I should have. Even I myself have mentioned all the Deployments to Hell Holes that are expected of Service People nowadays. When I served we were fighting the Cold War which was Great! The worst part was Training out in the Field, but that is Paradise compared being sent to be Occupation Forces in Countries that hate our guts where you are always worried about a grenade rolling across the floor, a back shooting, or a knife attack by the waiter or shoe shine boy. Also, I was a Man, even if I did catch flack for having gone to College (if a guy has an issue about College Educations, then he needs some College Education). A lot of Women in the Service have to put up with so much crap that it screws with their heads. A lot of military women I know can’t be nice anymore – they learned their lesson about being nice… if they are nice then that seems to be an invitation to get hit on and they have to spend all their time in fending off guys. So it seems like they have to be cold and hateful all the time, and so people hate them back. You can imagine how Socially and Spiritually Uplifting such an Impossible Situation can be. Unfortunately it is like that across the Civilian Workforce too (often Worse!), but it may be getting better with all of the ME TOO awareness. But, yes, a lot of older ladies have mentioned to me that it is kind of liberating to get older, since it becomes Safe to be nice again, just like they always wanted to be. Notice older waitresses – they call everybody “Honey” and “Sweety”… they can finally relax and let their Hearts expand out to their rightful size.

SO… it wasn’t your Husband being the Stressor. It was the Military. I’m glad you didn’t get mad at me for getting it wrong. You are really quite calm and contained. You had a degree of faith and trust that we would be able to talk this out enough to get on the same Music Sheet, so to speak.

Oh, you DO snap at your husband and act ‘irrationally’. And, you are under a great deal of Stress. I should have mentioned this before, but I got an easy trick for you to learn that will help you with this. Stress and Anger (loud yelling, and throwing stuff) is all Cortisol – a hormone that your brain secretes that is supposed to help you fight like crazy when you are in danger. Well, the more Cortisol that the brain secretes, the more active that gland gets. So Stress eventually becomes chronic unless one can stop the Cortisol and relax over time. The Trick to stopping the flow of Cortisol is to consciously Relax your jaw muscles whenever they tighten up – your Teeth Clench. Just say “Oh” which you can’t say with your teeth clenched and breath through your mouth (which you can’t do with your teeth clenched). You see, your jaw muscles are the muscle group that is closest to that Brain Gland that pumps the Cortisol. Your jaws will tighten even before your Mind realizes that you have just been insulted or offended or whatever. The Jaw Relax Counter Reflex is what people would normally do in typically high stress environments where they encounter a lot of False Alarms but still need to stay calm most of the time – like Jumping when they see a stick in the path that looks like a snake, but then saying “Oh” and laughing about it and shaking it off. But We need to learn to say “Oh” and relax our jaws whenever they tighten up, unless we have a Lion, Tiger, or Bear to kill. Jeepers, you can start practicing with your Cat! I know I sound like I LOVE my cats 24/7 but they do get in the way and underfoot once in a while and I feel my Jaws tighten up, and so that gives me plenty of practice myself in defusing Cortisol (so I know what I am writing about). You will be surprised at how this Trick changes things. In situations where you usually lose your cool, you will now be able to calmly work through the drama – you will know you are virtually “walking a tightrope” but you will still feel like you are still in control.

Oh, about the Borderline Personality Syndrome thing. Well, you’re lucky that you haven’t already been diagnosed. You see because Doctors need to be reimbursed from Health Insurance Companies, they always have to write a Symptom Code into the “Reason You Want to Get Paid” Box. And so I believe that Psychologists and Psychiatrists have been discriminating against women by checking them off as being Borderline Psychotic. But, really, isn’t it just the Cortisol I was telling you about. But there is no block for Chronic Stress, is there? Or if there is, why the hell ain’t the doctors checking that, and not the block that says you’re crazy? It’s just another instance of discrimination against women! You can imagine the Statistics. How many Men are labeled Borderline? Close to none, right? I bet the men are checked off as being stressed out. With men it is Okay to get all edgy and wired, but women are supposed to act nice and proper, or there’s something seriously wrong, right? Well, wrong! Don’t let them screw you up with a Label that they wouldn’t give some guy just like you.

You sound like a Good Mom already. I’m glad your husband is staying home and being a nice guy. Oh, by the way, I do like the idea of being Polyamorous for one reason, and that is because it allows the both of you to be able to smile and be nice to people of the opposite sex. My wife (ex-wife) used to put up a big stink if I was just being nice to anybody who wore a skirt. I really found it annoying. Like your Husband demonstrates, some guys would just like to stay home. I used to play violin and watch network TV (all three channels), but nowadays guys wear out their thumbs on those stupid video games. Oh, about the Bad Boy appeal thing… well, All Men, when they are actively courting are naturally more Bad donkey – Strutting, behaving more Aggressively and Assertively, dressing louder, etc. It is all to Get the Girl. But once they get the girl, well, all that Testosterone Driven Behavior calms down. If it DIDN’T calm down then all that Testosterone Behavior would translate into Hostility and Jealousy in regards to other Men acting all Bad donkey in your presence (which Guys without Gals will tend to do). He would take an attitude with You, and he would be getting into jealous fights all the time. Nobody wants that! Just think back to the Old Days when you first met your husband, and if you remember correctly, well, he was kind of acting like a Bad donkey, wasn’t he? He’s still the same guy, only even nicer now, huh?

Oh! And you LIKE cats. That Really make it much easier for me to empathize with you. It was just the Stress and the Military that was screwing with your head. You are Really a sweetheart. I am glad that the Cat will be taken care of no matter what happens. I hope you Get Out and I hope you and your husband can find work. They say that the Economy is as good as it will ever get, though I remember the Good Old Days in the last Century when Starting Pay was ten dollars more than it is now and raises kept going up and up and up. I honestly don’t know why you kids put up with all this crap and don’t raise the barricades and start the friggin Revolution. The Rich have never been richer, while everyone else is… well, all stressed out, as you can see. We have the Technology. We could all have Plenty of Stuff. Why do they insist on keeping all of us poor? But, no, I don’t want to stress you out even more with visions of gloom and doom. But, yes, I wish you luck. Remember to practice that Cortisol tip I was telling you about. Read some of my other Replies – in most cases when counseling Angry people I go into much more detail about that Cortisol Trick. Again, good luck, and God Bless your Little Family.

Do not hate the cat, this is what cats do, its annoying to some but nice to others. I personally love cats, my nans cat watched me sleep and was waiting for me to wake up in silence.