I have very low self-esteem due to being ugly

Hey Michael sorry to hear about how you feel but if you get a chance, order this book called Psycho Cybernetics. This book literally open up my eyes about what your looks has to do with your confidence and self esteem. the author was a cosmetic and reconstructive surgeon called Dr. Maxwell Malts. He specialized in giving people cosmetic surgery mainly to their face. Whenever he had a potential patient come in asking for a facial surgery because they thought they were ugly, he would observe and get to really understand his patients before doing any surgery. After years of doing this he did an experiment testing people who were post-surgery a few years later and kept a journal of his notes. He was surprised that only a small portion of these patients were actually truly better off after the surgery. A good portion of patients still felt the same crappy way about themselves! it was crazy but Dr. Maltz was not struck with curiosity

After further research and testing, he learned that people's confidence and self-esteem went up not because they had an actual better face or anything but that their SELF-IMAGE was changed about who they were. Intrigued by this, he experimented with a test group and asked these potential patients to try changing their self-image to that of a better one using certain exercises. Some time later, he discovered that this test group who didn't get any surgery done but went through the exercises, actually had the the SAME amount of self-esteem boost as those who went through cosmetic surgery. Think about that for a second....

This was a major breakthrough for Dr. Maltz because he realized he can influence a person's self-esteem and and self-image WITHOUT doing any surgery. But to do so he needed to help them create a better self image because their current one is not serving them properly and is actually hurting them. I could go on on and but the book is AMAZING. please check it out, it may change your perception of what you really think right now. Best wishes Michael

First of all woman do not care so much for an attractive guy. They care much more about how you make them feel, your energy, confidence, and charm. Woman do get in relationships with guys even if they are not the most attractive. It is not as important for them as it is for men.

Also, there are things that you can do to improve your appearence and make yourself more attractive.

Style. Upgrade your wardrobe and improve your style. Even attractive people can look bad if they do not have great style and people that aren't as attractive can become very attractive with good style. Get clothes that are stylish and if you wear glasses, get a good looking pair of glasses.

Workout. Put on some muscle and burn fat to have a really nice looking physique. Your clothes should also compliment your body type.

Get a stylish haircut. You can change your looks very dramatically with the way you style your hair. It can change someone appearance a lot.

This is just what you can do for your outter appearance. There is a lot you can do with your confidence, energy, body language.

Michael090293 wrote:What can I do about this problem?

Hey Michael,

let me assure you there is hope.
I never considered myself ugly, but I stayed a male for long past your age, and not having
a girlfriend and feeling lonely largely influenced my life's journey.

I hope you don't mind and agree that problems should be addressed rationally, not to say logically.
So I will skip the part where I say things like "you are beautiful no matter what they say" (I hate that line) or how i feel for you, as it buys you nothing.

So let's start:

1. Many ugly (poor, handicapped, stupid etc.) but otherwise average (ie. not rich or famous) people have relationships. So, being ugly or otherwise imperfect can't logically be the ultimate reason for not finding a partner and being accepted by others. Else, simply ALL ugly people would 100% strictly be single and unhappy, right?
2. How you look ism't really what troubles you. It's not having a girlfriend and others picking on you.
3. So the good news is: What you need to work on is not your looks (which is at best costly and painful) but what those other challenged people are doing differently from what you are doing.

So what are they doing differently?
It is how the feel and act.
How you generally feels is most likely determined by how you grew up as a child.
You acquired the behavioral patterns and beliefs you have now. These emotional things are relatively hard to change, but still not carved in stone.
My approach was and is reason.

If you silence the bad feelings for one minute and look at things clearly, this is what you could conclude:
1. You were born this way and you never harmed anyone, so YOU did nothing wrong.
2. Those bullying you gain amusement, group acceptance and most of all a perceived higher OWN value from
humiliating you, disregarding your emotional costs. So it is actually them who have a problem, namely character flaws.
And they are not even aware of it. So, you have something ahead of those. You could even pitty them for a second,
but only to realize this fact, not to do their mistake (of bathing in the weakness of others for a momentary relief) yourself.
3. What do women find attractive? Since we are all still animals when it comes to finding a partner, it must be whatever
helped our ancestors survive AND breed healthy, surviving children.
It should be obvious that a healthy, strong body was good for survival. This is why women like tall and strong men for example. But less obvious, social strength was even more important. A physically weak (or ugly!) man who made others support and follow him even had more chances to survive than a strong man with no friends or supporters.

So your aim should be to improve your social skills.
I can assure you this is the key, and also that it easier than you might think right now.

So what can you do?
1. Stop behaving like a victim. While you might still feel bad inside when being humiliated, take it with a smile.
2. Communicate. Take ANY opportunity to share a smile or a compliment or even just a comment (no, I dont mean on Facebook - I mean in reality). You see somebody with a cool tshirt? Tell him.
Don't hesitate asking somebody for the time, the way to the next gym, or the best way to the Eifel Tower, which is fun!.
Start small here, which is how it starts anyway, but consciously watch yourself and how good even the smallest baby steps feel.
3. Communicate non verbally. Look into peoples eyes and hold it. Hold it longer than you you usually feel comfortable with - but not longer than the other person might be comfortable with (ie. dont stare!). Use your hands while speaking. Start with 1 thumb up, then stuff like locking your mouth with an imaginative key, there are many things. I just googled "hand-gestures" and found loadsa sites in seconds. Or try googling "social skills".
Walk and stand tall, put your shoulders back as if you want to hold a piece of paper between your shoulder blades.
4. Do sports as much as you can. This floods you with positive hormones and gets rid of the negative ones. It's pure chemistry.

I hope you see these are easy, practical tips, not just "believe in yourself" or "be more positive" advises - which never worked for me.
It's the practical advises that made me believe in myself and gave me hope and optimism.

There is of course much more, and there are millions of others like you - I was one of them.
You should be able to find forums to exchange with other guys in your situation.

Good luck!

this will likely not be well received but as an older, short, bald ugly man (pretty much the polar opposite of what is attractive to women), i can say from personal expereince that other than physical and mental health, for a man being tall and physically attractive are by far the most valuable characteristics one can have. those of us who are below average have little to no chance of ever experiencing a fulfilling, intimate relationship. personally, after many years of failure and rejection i have given up on ever having a partner and acknowledged that i will always be alone and lonely.

self esteem and confidence are the results of success as opposed to the inverse which is how things are usually stated by those who are deluded by the Just World fallacy. without a minimum baseline of looks, despite whatever else you may have going for you, no female is going to be interested in getting to know you enough for personality to become a factor. if this somehow does happen, without the spark of physical attract it is pretty much a guaranteed trip to the much hated and pathetic friendzone.

the bottom line is that the Halo Effect is all too real, perhaps even more so in those who are in denial about it. very sadly, the same is true about the reverse Halo Effect and aside from a very small. very lucky few, those of us deemed not good enough can do nothing to improve our chances in regards to dating & romance.

The feeling of being ugly underlines the deep-rooted problem of insecurities that people exploit. While studying sociology, I learnt that people often see us the way we see ourselves. So, if you think you are ugly, you will find circumstances that only reinforce your thoughts and feelings.