I hate myself... and I'm confused.

I'm a very confused person... I hate myself so much. I also used to be very depressed, although I'm somewhat happier now.

Allow me to explain myself: I've never really had many friends. Everyone picked on me until my first day of Grade 9, which is when I made my first friend


When I started Grade 10 I transferred to a different school, where I had a few terrible experiences (my little brother threatened me with a knife and I was sexually harassed every day by a boy in my civics class [he liked to stick his finger down my pants and along my asscrack]). After I finsihed that semester I went back to my old high school, just to discover that most of my friends had rathar dropped out [most of them actually got pregnant. Imagine having a kid at 13 - 15 years of age! Ahh). transferred to another school or were so depressed that they were impossible to talk to.

The summer before Grade 11 was a rocky one. I told my mom that I wanted to be a video game developer insted of getting into animation like she always wanted me to and she was so dissipointed, plus my siblings always basically said to me from the time I hit puberty that I was "ugly and had a big donkey". It was such a boring summer... I had nothing to do. No friends to talk to, plus I wasn't getting any allowance so there was nothing to do outside. I went outside once that whole summer (and I got the worst case of cabin fever ever). I became a hermit temporarily, eventually exercising as much as 3 or 4 hours a day because of the boredom. I was 5'6" and 118 pounds before that all started. I lost just over 20 pounds over that summer.

I can still remember how awkard it felt to be outside waiting for the bus on my first day of Grade 11... I missed the warmth of the ground and the gentle chirping of the birds surrounding me. I didn't realize it at the time, but that's when the feelings of self-haterid really rose in me. I became really depressed and I lost the last few friends I had left because they could obviously see that there was something wrong with me and they didn't know how to help.

My mom picked on me all day every day because of how I looked. Before she said anything my sisters would tell me that I was "beautiful" because I didn't have that "big donkey". After she started saying things they all joined in and made fun of me. Then my dad did, too. All of them together... they hated me. It was then that I learned an important lesson... one that I recently realized is wrong: most of the time, love is conditional. If you **** up then nobody will love you.

Anyway, I lived in lonliness until half way through Grade 11, when I met a guy who asked me out. I said yes, even though I didn't like him that much. He would tell me that I was beautiful (and I would believe him, despite the fact that I looked more like Skeletor than a woman) all the time but he caused all kinds of trouble. One day we were in his room and he whipped out his ****. I thought he was going to rape me and I freaked out so he put it away. Ends up he just wanted me to "see how hard I make him". I still don't know what his real intentions were.

Even though our relationship would end a month after it started (the last straw being that he would spend the night he meets my sister fliriting with her and basically ignoring me, thus further proving my theroy that she is a thousand times better than me in every way), I didn't hear the end of it for so long because I stole his friends. For 6 months I had to hear about the stupid mistake I made... every day I had to hear about how stupid he was and how stupid I was for dating him. I really didn't give a sh** after a week or two, but I wasn't allowed to forget. I would finally go nuts after half a year, abandon them and he would convince me that they made me think that he was worse than he really was... so we went out again. And I broke up with him a month later.

It was after that that I started feeling better... much less depressed, even though everyone around me hated me. My sister introduced me to my current boyfriend 2 weeks after that (just before Christmas. He's the greatest Christmas present I've ever recieved. I'm very much in love with him).

Plus, I did manage to get back to about the same weight as I was before all this sh** started (120 pounds fully dressed [shoes included]), but I now feel like I'm hideous looking (on the inside and the outside). I know perfectly well that I feel like I have no control over my life and that I'm making a link between that and the fact that I can control how much I eat... I love how I feel when I'm hungry and that scares me.

Also, I skip school a lot. Even though I do love learning, I become so shy because I feel so stupid all the time. I mean, I have managed a 75% average this semester, but it feels like nothing when compaired to my sister's 90% (and my dad freaks out if she gets any grade lower than 80%, so he must be REALLY dissipointed in me). I took an IQ test 2 years ago and I got a score of 130. The people at Newman (the school I went to for one semester, which was where I took the test) insisted that I was a "gifted" student and that I should apply myself better to my work. I think they're wrong.

I really, truly do hate myself. Like, to the point where words to not even properly describe it. I told my boyfriend about how I feel today and he seemed understanding about my feelings... after talking about it awhile he simply said "You're the best thing that ever walked into my life". I was so shocked that I said nothing. How can I be helpful or important to anyone when I'm always so afraid to speak my mind or be myself? My boyfriend's the ony one who's really seen "me"... maybe that's why I feel so fustrated. It's so hard to speak my mind, though. One day I told my mom that I thought it was okay for someone to have an abortion if they wanted it and I didn't hear the end of it for weeks. Although my mom has been nicer to me lately (unlike the rest of the family), I find it really hard for me to trust her at all.

I feel as if I should get away from my family. I want to live independantly... I feel like I've never stood up for myself. How can I be at all independant if I'm afraid to defend my beliefs? It's so hard to stand up for myself emotionally or physically. I'm graduating from high school in 2 weeks and, even though I'm supposted to be saving up for college (taking a year off because of these odd feelings I always get, plus I'm trying to not need a bank loan. Too much interest), I'm thinking maybe I should move away. I mean... I think it would be worth paying off the loan later if it means that I can have time away from the people who hurt me so much. Besides, my boyfriend (who is 2 years older than me) is thinking of finally moving out of his parent's house and he hinted that he wants me to come with him. I would totally do it, but I want to help him pay for everything. I wouldn't want him to support us alone.

Well, I'm sorry that this is such a jumbled mess. It's 3 in the morning where I am and I'm getting a little sleepy, plus I always feel this confused about myself. Any advice about anything that happened here, though? Thank you so much in advance.