Can't accept my past trauma

**Posts:** 1 · by **brtis1235** » Wed Feb 02, 2022 9:56 pm

I'm a bit confused as to who made me believe that but I was raised in a conservative country in East Europe. People generally consider gays to be either degenerates or pitiful (i'm a lesbian). Also, religious figures do exert a lot of influence over citizens so needless to say, I was going to hell. In the first half of 2020 (i was 17 yo) I went through a spiritually traumatic experience, as I was realizing that fact. I began searching online for different points of view (such a horrible decision- NEVER EVER DO THAT), just because I didn't have the guts to come out to my parents (who used to oppose homosexuality) and reach for their help. I went through 4 weeks of crying my heart out. I was just shaken to the core. All I wanted was to die, as despair was quickly taking over me. I was constantly being tormented by the thought that I was going to rot in the everlasting fiery pits of hell. I cannot express what I was feeling: a mix of wrath, agony, bitterness, angst and desolation. All of my expectations, plans and desires suddenly vanished. My world collapsed. My life was over and I had no reason to be alive. I believed I was headed to hell ever since I was about 13 yo, even though in 2020 i finally totally came to terms with my beliefs at the time. Fast forward to now, I no longer believe I'm going to hell (thanks to my parents who I came out to), but I can't get over what I used to feel. I have flashbacks and then need to weep a couple of times a week. Can't visit churches (they trigger panic attacks in me), can't even see priests without feeling anxious. I've been much more pessimistic (i kind of have a foreshortened sense of future). Overall, I'm now able to wish for good things to happen, have future plans, expectations. It's just that I can't seem to be able to deal with the fact that I could die anytime. I just needed to vent since there aren't too many serious counselors in my town.

**Posts:** 1123 · by **davidbanner99@** » Wed Feb 02, 2022 10:46 pm

brtis1235 wrote:I'm a bit confused as to who made me believe that but I was raised in a conservative country in East Europe. People generally consider gays to be either degenerates or pitiful (i'm a lesbian). Also, religious figures do exert a lot of influence over citizens so needless to say, I was going to hell. In the first half of 2020 (i was 17 yo) I went through a spiritually traumatic experience, as I was realizing that fact. I began searching online for different points of view (such a horrible decision- NEVER EVER DO THAT), just because I didn't have the guts to come out to my parents (who used to oppose homosexuality) and reach for their help. I went through 4 weeks of crying my heart out. I was just shaken to the core. All I wanted was to die, as despair was quickly taking over me. I was constantly being tormented by the thought that I was going to rot in the everlasting fiery pits of hell. I cannot express what I was feeling: a mix of wrath, agony, bitterness, angst and desolation. All of my expectations, plans and desires suddenly vanished. My world collapsed. My life was over and I had no reason to be alive. I believed I was headed to hell ever since I was about 13 yo, even though in 2020 i finally totally came to terms with my beliefs at the time. Fast forward to now, I no longer believe I'm going to hell (thanks to my parents who I came out to), but I can't get over what I used to feel. I have flashbacks and then need to weep a couple of times a week. Can't visit churches (they trigger panic attacks in me), can't even see priests without feeling anxious. I've been much more pessimistic (i kind of have a foreshortened sense of future). Overall, I'm now able to wish for good things to happen, have future plans, expectations. It's just that I can't seem to be able to deal with the fact that I could die anytime. I just needed to vent since there aren't too many serious counselors in my town.

I understand you. I am myself seriously androgynous and people certainly notice it. My voice is higher, softer and less aggressive than a normal male. I tend to relate better to women in conversation. What bothered me about it is the lack of definite gender identity. And worse, some people shunned me and so forth.
Despite that, sexual orientation or definition isn't really an issue so long as you're a good person. I know people who are gay, as such, and it doesn't bother me in any way. What matters to me is their ethics, honesty and sincerity.
I never found any direct Christian teaching that troubles over bisexuality. The reason is society in Roman times was very bisexual. Even more so classical Athens where people married, raised families but culturally had same sex relations.
My advice - don't worry over it. Accept yourself and enjoy life.

**Posts:** 3014 · by **tokeless** » Wed Feb 02, 2022 10:52 pm

Hi,
It must be very difficult to have to hide your true self and I feel for you as a person who hasn't had that problem. There are no perfect answers and I suggest you will keep thinking about the trauma if you keep going over it. Despite what you feel or think, you can or do have control over what you think about. Try some mindfulness to keep you in the now and use it as soon as you feel the thoughts or feelings.. smell something, pick something up, do something to break your concentration on the thought... bring yourself to now. Imagine in your mind you have a balloon on a string, a long string. The balloon is your thoughts and painful feelings... you are walking about, just getting on and the balloon is a short string, so you have control over it... without noticing, the string starts to slip away from your grip and pulls the string longer so your balloon goes out of your control and the feelings intensify etc... now, pull the string back to short and notice as you do, the balloon becomes less out of control and you gain control... that is mindfulness, which is just bringing yourself back to the present so you don't think long and deep about something you can't change
.. ie, death. It takes practice but if you keep doing it you will realise you can change how you feel and act. Death is just the end of the second half of the performance. Live free... you hold the key.
Best wishes

**Posts:** 12131 · by **Richard@DecisionSkills** » Thu Feb 03, 2022 12:50 am

brtis1235 wrote:I I believed I was headed to hell ever since I was about 13 yo, even though in 2020 i finally totally came to terms with my beliefs at the time.

Hope this helps…

I do not agree with everything Ricky says, but he is correct that NO ONE knows. It is faith, not knowledge. At at around 2:30 is where it gets very good.

There are around 3000 known gods. People don’t believe in 2,999 of them. Ricky simply doesn’t believe in 2,999 +1.

https://youtu.be/P5ZOwNK6n9U

You are young so your beliefs are still rooted in how you were raised and your cultural. Continue to question your beliefs. Always question them. It’s a healthy process. Priests don’t know anymore than you. They only have faith, which is just a strong belief in the 1 version of god they have chosen to follow. And that is the right path for them. It doesn’t make it the right path for you.

Can't accept my past trauma

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