The Stupid & Funny Quotes Thread......

"The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse "

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

"The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start thinking your work is terribly important".

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat".

"Two guys are talking and one says to the other: "What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?" The other one says, "I'd sh*g everything that moved...What would you do?" And he says, "I'd stand perfectly still."

"Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?"

"There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all."

"A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy."

Always be wary of the Software Engineer who carries a screwdriver

"The question of whether computers can think is like the question of whether submarines can swim".

"I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound."

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch."

"Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.' "