Arguing with a mate

Dear MMACC,

I can guess that you wish you could relive that whole situation over again and behave differently.

We often behave ourselves and say things based on judgments and conclusions that were simply the first things that popped in our heads. for instance, somebody turns down an invitation to an impromptu party. We think that it is some kind of a snub. but the Truth might be as simple as the person needs to rush home and go the bathroom, and can't very well announce the fact without undue humiliation. Really, just think of all the complexities in your life. Well, other people have complicated lives too.

But what you did was probably an unpleasant experience for your friend. You will probably have to 'live it down'. you need to behave normally and politely, and try to allow your friend the distance that he needs for a while. he needs to watch you and evaluate you... and if you can behave well for a while, then he might decide that you just had 'one of those days'.

Also, people Forget. The situation was Unpleasant at the time, but these things recede quickly into the Past. If you let it go, in a few weeks or a month he will likely just fall back into the old and fixed habit of being your 'mate'.

But you might want to look at some Anger Management Books.... I can recommend some if you like. Most of these Books hit upon the subject of how our thinking can often be wrong, and how we are supposed to deal with such possibilities.... mostly by refraining from making scenes unless one is absolutely certain about what exactly is going on.

anyway, I hope that was useful. Let me know what you think...

Yes, i wish i could relive the situation and change it but i know i can't. If you have some recommended reading id gladly take it. Thanks for your advice!

Sorry it took a while to get back to you. Busy Busy Busy



anyway, I have a cut and paste Book Recommendation in my files which you will find below.


But, your greatest focus should be to remind yourself every morning that you are prone to anger. After an angry episode, and we greatly embarrass ourselves, well, we are careful for a while and tend to be on our best behavior. But then we forget about it, and nothing happens for a while and we start thinking of ourselves as perfectly normal people, who don't have to be extra vigilant and on our toes, and then something happens to tick us off and we explode.

So you see, you have to have a Anti-Anger Ritual... something you do every morning to remind yourself that if you haven't been angry for a while, well, it is probably just mostly luck, and that you really need to be alert and watchful for situations that could tend to make you angry.

and then, well, reading the books.. . Start with the one's I have recommended, but read the on line reviews and read a lot of those books. Become an Anger Expert. Because, when Situations Occur, well, you have to know what to do, don't you, and the Books will tell you that... each book in some different way. But you will soon digest the books and make all of these Other People's Ways, into your own special Way ... of being a Consistently Civilized Person.

Book Recommendations:

All the personal skills required for successful Anger Management, well, they cannot be learned overnight. Of course, you can go to a Therapist, but even I have gone to therapists and the first thing they do is recommend that you read Anger Management self help books. It easy to understand why. If you do some daily reading of anger issue books… making it something of a ritual behavior, then it helps you to always stay aware of your potential problems with anger. Ordinarily we might do some intensive work on ourselves in regards to our anger issues immediately after we have had some serious episode, but then as time passes, we begin to forget that we have a problem, that is, until we explode again. So we need to keep Anger at the forefront of our attention, or at least to the extent that we have some daily reminder for ourselves that we must keep up our guard and maintain all of the good practices that we had learned.

Of course, you could find your own books. Go on line and just buy the ones with reviews that seem to show that the books would appeal to you. But I have a few suggestions of my own. One book I recommend, because I found I had given it a splendid review on that Big On Line Merchandizer’s Website is “Angry All The Time: An Emergency Guide to Anger Control” by Ronald Potter-Efron (my review is on the 3rd page of the 5 Stars). I had said that it is the one book most likely to bring anybody back ‘from the edge’. Also, check out “Rage” by Ronald Potter-Efron (the same author as the previous book). I think it is the best book on the subject of extreme rage. Then there is a book about Cognitive Behavior Therapy. The premise behind cognitive behavior therapy is that when people are angry or depressed because of their negative thinking, well, it makes the most sense to address the problem by addressing the Thinking behind the problem. No, there is no churning up the past and talking about Mother and Childhood – all that is ancient history. The Idea is to simply learn how to turn off the negative thinking, or learn to think of something else instead. It also involves reevaluating your thinking in regards to whether you have been nurturing misconceptions or exaggerating generalizations. Anyway, the name of that book is “Cognitive and Dialectical Therapy Unleashed”, by James Ashley. It’s a good book and very affordable. And finally there is one book that is a bit of a favorite of mine: “Anger Management” by Peter Favaro, in that it seems to be more complete and organized than a lot of the other books.

Anyway, until your books arrive, or you go to the local bookstore and buy some, you should look over these pages. Especially, you should look at some of my posts here. I am relatively new here and so my catalog of posts is not all that extensive, and I have dealt with problems not unlike your own, using the knowledge that I have distilled from all of my reading, and also from my own experiences of dealing with my own anger issues. Good luck, hope to hear from you soon.

mmacc2011 wrote:Hi,

So I've had feelings for a guy at work, and although we are cool and get on well together, when we had the work social the other night - a few beers in the pub - he didn't come for even one, even an orange juice, but just went home. He was pretty much the only one who didn't and it hurt me that he didn't come.

I pretty much had it out with him on his twitter account, where he told me he was doing work. I left it over night and messaged him again next day apologising. All I got back was "no worries lad". Normally he calls me mate or dude, and suddenly last night it turned to "lad". I blocked him on twitter to stop the argument really spiraling down until we calmed down, but now he wont refollow me and doesn't seem interested.

How long should I leave it before attempting to speak to him? How do I know if it's the end of the freindship for good? Whats the best way to approach and clear up? It was about 24 hours ago now, but he still makes me angry that he acts like he doesn't care.

Any advice?

Quit taking everything so personally. This other guy did nothing wrong, he just needed time alone. Who knows why. The real question is, why are you offended by the lack of attention people give you? Learn to feel based on your actions and not the inactions of others.

I don't see an issue with anger. This sounds more like an issue of self-esteem.

Regards McCain