Quitting after 20 years

Welcome back mate!

Could relate so much to what you posted, I teased myself for ages about alternatives to smoking (edibles / vaping) as it was ‘healthier’ and was a way out from that constant need but each and every time I just slipped back into smoking spliffs.

It’s crazy what we can convince ourselves to do. Good thing is that you know you can take breaks from this and I was the same… always think I can use moderately but end up worse than I was before so I had to realise that I can’t even have one as o know where it will take me.

Think you are definatly ready to realise that and start to live your life weed free!

Best of luck!!

Glad you found your way back. Your post is crammed with hard earned wisdom and things that echo my own experiences.

I'm reading that you have seen to the heart of the issue and that it's now a matter of following through. Posting so openly is something I found helpful, so keep that up! (Also, you're an entertaining writer.)

My sole question is why are you choosing to quit caffeine at the same time?

If weed is your "queen" it might be worth keeping some lesser side "ladies" (coffee, kombucha?) around to fortify you while you turn your back on her.

When I attempted "quitting everything" it allowed my mind to rationalize: "Well, since I quit all these vices, surely a bit of cannabis now and then is no big deal."

Personally, I used booze as a temporary distraction (on occasion) in the early days of quitting weed. Just my own experience here, for reference.

I, too, smoked from 12 to 33 (close parallel to your history). It took me a decade to learn some of the insights you shared about the insidious nature of weed dependency.

When I finally quit weed (2006) I also said goodbye to a circle of party friends, which dried up my supply of party substances (coke, mdma, psychedelics).

To close, I want to express pride in you for coming back. My spidey senses have developed over my years on this forum: I believe you're going to free yourself from your former queen. Now stage a coup, and step into your freedom!

WL

I’m 35 now and quit September 14th of last year after 20 years of using. The worst of it was the first 4 months. I feel more in control of my emotions now, and my memory is a lot better, but I still have some crap days… like today. It’s nice to read that for some people it took a lot longer than just a couple of months to feel better. I hope you succeed this time. You should try to find some physical pursuits like lifting weights (even bands work), as I find that helps me both mentally and physically. We were meant to move our bodies, to sweat, to breathe. Sitting in the house and doing nothing makes me think of the old days when I had fun doing this, so getting active is necessary for me. Good luck!

Thank you all for chiming in.

I already "relapsed" on the caffeine and am smoking cigarettes like a chimney.

I've been living the last six years in a town two hours away from where I'm originally from. I came to this town for community college but what ended up happening was that the first month or so was okay because I wasn't smoking and for the first time I was actually the "class genius." Not hard when you're 29 and most of your colleagues are in their late teens.

The grades my first semester were top-notch.

Then I started smoking heavily again and hanging out with the class stoner. Or, rather, he latched on to me. No one liked him and, frankly, I didn't like him either. He was a negative, no fun allowed, resentful little b*tch that's always angry at everything. At recess he'd always hang around me and because no one wanted to hang around him people backed away from me as well. I wanted to tell him "Dude, just f*ck off" but he was someone I could sell hashish to and, therefore, have my own smokes for free. I always bought in bulk, so for example each gram would cost me 3 euros and I'd sell him each gram for 8. No mercy.

Then I had a couple of episodes where I got too drunk and ended up flirting heavily with a classmate. Worst part is she liked me and whenever I got sober I'd realize I didn't like her the same way and didn't want to hurt her feelings. One birthday party I made a fool of myself, nothing serious, but basically after dinner everyone stopped drinking and I started ordering the whiskies for myself. To avoid any further embarrassment, I removed myself from the party and walked home, where I could drink some more and... you guessed it, smoke some hash. I found myself unable to deal with the shame from acting a fool in those two parties so I started avoiding going to class to avoid my classmates.

Instead of going to class, I'd spend my nights awake until 7 or 8 am (most days until 11 am or later, sometimes 2 or 3 pm) smoking joints, drinking industrial amounts of coffee, and going to bed only when the fatigue became unbearable. Quickly, everyone realized the "class genius" had some issues. I would show up to class once a week, then once a month.

I lied to my parents. They were paying for my tuition, I was telling them "this year will be the last". Meanwhile, I was overwhelmed by how many courses I actually still had to complete. Even if I completed all the courses that year, I'd still have at least one year left. I got struck with paralysis by analysis. I got stuck in my lies and the only way out was being honest. F*ck that. I'll just man up and finish the courses. Except that never happened. I would be riddled with anxiety and guilt and shame and unable to do any real work because I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD and then I'd smoke and fap and all the problems would slip away from my conscious mind.

I have spent literal months of my life compulsively playing online 8-ball pool. Like a robot.

I'm already writing too much... I don't want to write a novel here.

Basically two and a half years ago I got a part-time job and that was the last nail in the coffin when it comes to going to class. I usually work from 5pm to 9pm. Go home, smoke joints until 11am, wake up at 4pm in a daze, go to work and repeat. Of course I lied to my parents saying I was still going to college but I had a very intense social phobia and, after a couple of years, I couldn't even look the teachers in the eyes. For the last two years, I went to class maybe five times.

A few months ago I cracked and told my parents everything. Well, almost everything. I didn't tell them about the fact that I still smoke the drug that caused them so much anguish in my teenage years. My mother would cry so much, begging me not to smoke because it would ruin my life. How naive she was. Didn't she know weed cures cancer and depression and is not addictive? I could stop if I wanted to. I just didn't want to. Besides: reefer madness, what about alcohol, brainwashed by Big Pharma, you know the drill...

Then the perfect opportunity presented itself. My parents were about to fly to another country to visit their one-year old granddaughter / my niece for the first time (they were unable to fly due to COVID restrictions) and I was basically like "Hey, you know how you're about to experience the happiest days of your lives? So here's the thing: I've been lying to you for the last five years about going to college. I am going to drop out and focus solely on progressing my career at the supermarket I'm currently working on".

It didn't go well but they had other, better, things on their mind. Needless to say, my parents have zero trust in me now. Zero. I don't blame them.

I won't even dwell on the fact that I had the chance to fly with my family to visit my niece but I preferred to stay home because... well, you guessed it.

In my mind it went like this: I'll get a full-time job, stay in this tiny studio apartment and now I can dedicate my whole life to smoking joints, watching porn, browsing reddit / youtube and playing FIFA. I was comfortable with the mediocrity. Then I quit weed 3 weeks ago and in this short period of time I've already been more productive than in the last six years of my life. I already presented my letter of resignation, applied to another job and got contacted by their HR department. It's also a job at a supermarket, but one particular chain that is known for treating its employees right and paying above all the others.

I'm moving back to my parents' house but I don't want to stay too long. I'm afraid I will regress if I stay too long.

I want to write so much more but I have to stop now... I have so much to write about...

Like the fact that I came to the conclusion that I should just go ahead and quit the "friendship" of over 22 years with my manipulative, raging alcoholic, cocaine-addict, problem gambler "best friend". That selfish bastard who betrayed my trust over and over again but hey... introverts need a plug they can turn to when they want to score drugs and the main dealer is unavailable.

Sorry for writing so much. I'm kinda maniac from all the caffeine. Day 17.

Good news/Bad news: you are your own problem; you are also your own solution. Trust will ultimately show where trust is given. If you don’t tell the whole truth, the remaining lie will be your truth. And by not telling the whole truth, you simply admit to not trusting who you say you trust. It’s you, you don’t trust. When fear is present, faith is challenged. Fear to faith, faith to god and god to love.

I feel incredibly blessed over the fact that I found out how utterly poisonous and destructive caffeine really is.

I feel like one of those loonies who found a secret truth that no one will believe in or take seriously.

Running the risk of having the same people who have faced the incredulousness of people doubting their marijuana addiction mirroring that same sentiment when I talk about coffee: "Really? Coffee? This dude is seriously talking about coffee? Coffee is harmless and not addictive and cures prostate cancer and something about anti-oxidants," I will just say this:

Try going a full week without caffeine and then tell me how non-addictive it is. They didn't warn you about the mind-splitting headaches and the incapacitating nausea, did they?

Worst even are the people who minimize their addiction to coffee with silly induced-by-marketing mantras like "I can't function without my cup of joe" or "don't talk to me until I had my cup of joe", as if that's somehow cute. As if being dependent on a foreign substance in order to function were funny or quirky.

You think quitting weed gives you weird intense highly realistic dreams? Ahahaha! Try quitting coffee and you'll see what I mean!

Coffee is a sh*t drug. Read the book "Caffeine Blues" if you're curious as to why it is so. I warn you: the lack of REM suppression from no coffee and no weed will grant you the best sleep of your entire adult life. That was certainly a pleasant surprise I wasn't prepared for. I thought only children were supposed to feel this refreshed after a good night's sleep.

I quit coffee after writing that long rant five days ago and my anxiety levels have been reduced to below zero. Not zero. BELOW ZERO. No more nervousness, no more rumination, no more psychosomatic symptoms, no more stress, no more existential dread, no more arrhythmia, no more funky breath, better taste, better sense of smell. And it can't be from quitting weed because I'm smoking a pack of cigs a day.

Absolutely no PAWS from weed whatsoever so far, although on day 18 I was particularly on edge. It's too early in the game not to attribute that edginess to PAWS, but there comes a point, after a few months without weed, that one has to accept that sometimes you're just gonna have a bad day.

You know what I'm saying? Sometimes... you're just gonna have a bad day.

I am coming around to the conclusion that I have used the combo of weed and porn to pacify myself. I am a person who wears his emotions on his sleeve and, working in costumer service (cashier), a job where you have to pretty much be a b*tch all day long to rude costumers, that ritual has been essential in keeping me from actually stabbing someone's face repeatedly with a pencil. Quitting coffee has significantly calmed down my neurotic and more violent tendencies. I hope it stays that way because I don't want to go to jail. I really don't.

As to weed, I don't think about it too much. But that's not a victory. I've been here before. The first two months are always somewhat easy because I'm still motivated, the reasons that led me to quit are still freshly imprinted on my mind. The real battle begins when my life starts to improve. That's when the demons start whispering "See? You are a normal and responsible individual. You can smoke weed sometimes. There's nothing wrong with it. Let's face it, weed will be legal in this country in less that five years anyway. What are you gonna do then?"

I will say this: regardless of my overall pro-legalization stance, a part of me is thankful that I can't just walk down the street and in five minutes have it on my hand. It's not that I want to — I don't — but I'm not sure if in one or two particular moments of weakness I wouldn't have already relapsed. I can't tell. People who quit weed in countries where it is legal are the real gangsters of quitting weed. Much respect.

Quitting weed basically means quitting all contact with my "friends" aka drug buddies. Sure, why've known them for years but who cares? They are an essential part as to why I haven't done this sooner. I quit weed when I was 17 and my "best friend" started pouting saying it was a betrayal on our friendship. So I forced myself to enjoy it again, regardless of the fact that for two years I would spend the first twenty minutes of smoking waiting for the come down in order to enjoy the high. F*ck them all. It's time to grow up. Time to change the mindset. It's also time to recognize how much of my personality was shaped by the media that I consumed as a teen, specially the media that glorified drug use as something cool or rebellious. I am a sucker and easily influenced by pro-weed rhetoric / imagery. Knowing it's all bullsh*t is not enough to prevent a relapse, many times I have taken solace in the "everybody's doing it anyways" excuse. No more.

F*ck my "friends", f*ck drugs, f*ck the whole loser dirtbag amoral culture associated with it. On the internet all weed smokers are highly functioning stoners who started their own business and now date a super model and drive a Lambo and run half-marathons on the weekends for fun and what not. I have met over 300 daily stoners and I have never, not once, met that elusive highly functioning stoner that is everywhere online.

Oh look, another long a$$ rant... I will not apologize. Those who want to read, read. Those who don't, I don't blame you. I need this catharsis.

Day 23.

I've been battling the urge to drink alcohol these past few days. It's very easy for me to go without drinking when I smoke weed so I know this is my brain's way of trying to find a way, any way, to squash my sobriety.

I don't feel particularly angry now that I quit caffeine. I am an angry person by nature, and I used weed and porn as a way to repress that part of my personality. I had to, due to my line of work. Thank God I'm quitting that soul-sucking cashier job in two weeks. Will move back in with my parents and go from there. That job I had in line... I went to an interview but I said "fvck it" because I didn't like the atmosphere, the schedules and I am not in a position where I need to work in order to survive. I don't have kids. No responsibilities. But I want to save money. Living with my parents will help with that.

I've been eating a lot more. Industrial amounts of food. Yesterday and today I ate so much my stomach hurts. It's a weird way of dealing with the cravings.

I've been low key craving cocaine, mostly. Snorting lines, smoking cigarettes one after the other and watching porn for twelve hours straight, to be specific. Man, that's the stuff. A pure rush of dopamine. I am so determined to quit weed my brain knows "just smoke some weed" isn't even a viable option. I don't even want weed and I spent twenty one years of my life smoking it every single day. That's why I'm thankful I binged heavily on cocaine three days after I quit weed. I started snorting lines at 10 PM and only went to bed the day after at 7 PM. I don't crave weed anymore. At all. The problem is I now find myself low key craving cocaine.

My brain is sneaky. He's telling me "You can still drink or do some coke. Or just do some coke... come on, bro!". But I know what will happen: I will drink and/or do coke, get really fvcked up and then rationalize "Why am I doing this to myself? I should just smoke weed instead. It's harmless in comparison". Fvck that.

I'm too full. Too bloated. Can't write. Day 30.

My brain does the substance dance too. I alternate between alcohol, pain killers, coffee, and sugar as my drugs of choice. I haven't touched pain killers in years and don't plan to ever go back, I've had maybe five drinks and ten cups of coffee in the past year. I can't totally cut out sugar but I have definitely massively reduced my intake. Each time I think it will be fine consuming any of them, particularly alcohol or coffee, it triggers PAWS symptoms, so I'm back off it for a while. I suppose in a way I should consider myself lucky. My body is forcing me to be sober. During this cycle I've been able to recognize it's definitely my brain that has been hard wired to not want to be sober. I've been abusing substances since I was about 15 too. We started using substances before our brains were fully developed. They never learned how to function on their own and they are throwing tantrums. That's how I see it at least.

I'll just come out and say it: I wish I were struggling with PAWS or cravings for weed in order to make my tale on this forum a heroic and arduous struggle towards sobriety. The truth is I am not dealing with any of that. As a matter of fact, I feel nothing but contempt for weed and weed smokers and drugs in general.

Sobriety is my "fvck you" to society.

Drugs are conformism. Drugs are mainstream. Drugs are 2020s Family Values. There's nothing rebellious or edgy about drugs. Everyone does drugs now. Even grandmas. Meh... it's simply not cool anymore.

I have literally smoked over 5 kilos of hashish and about 15 kilos of marijuana throughout these last twenty years. EASILY. I'm pretty sure I'm low-balling it. I don't say this to show how "hardcore" I am, but to show that I fell deeply in love with the substance and now I can't stand the thought of it.

Here is what I learned: you will only be successful quitting weed when you're ready. You can't motivate yourself to quit weed through reasoning. It has to be a burning rage inside of you that motivates you. When you're sick of it. When you realize what this drug has done to you and you find yourself out of excuses. No more moderation bullsh*t. I don't want to smoke it, not even in moderation. Specially in moderation! What good is moderation anyway? The great thing about weed is being fvcked up all the time, from the moment you get home from work to the moment you go to sleep. Or from the moment you wake up, on your days off. Who the fvck wants to moderate? If you wanted to smoke in moderation, you would smoke in moderation like millions of other people do. Like you do other substances, like alcohol, perhaps.

No amount of reading or preparation will make you quit weed. You either quit or you don't. During all my previous quits, I spent hours upon hours watching videos and reading testimonials from other quitters and it never amounted to anything substantial. I learned a lot from reading other people's experiences, that is definitely true and I feel thankful for that, but... sorry to say this, if there's a part of you that still feels like you're missing out on something by not smoking weed, chances are you won't be successful long-term.

You need to hate it. You need to be suspicious of it. You need to see it as the snake in the garden. Alluring... but ultimately poisonous.

I have to remain vigilant because pride comes before the fall.

Today my co-workers surprised me with the suggestion of doing a "goodbye dinner" because this will be my last week of work. The dinner will be next Saturday. They noticed that I was a bit reticent at first, but I put on my mask and said "Sure, of course, what a nice idea, let's do this."

The thing is I haven't touched alcohol since December 17 (last year I drank alcohol maybe three or four times after two decades of being a heavy daily drinker). Then the cravings started. The rationalizations. I found myself thinking "today, after work, you'll go to the supermarket and you'll buy a bottle of white wine and you will drink it."

Thankfully I was strong enough to survive another day sober. It's now 4 AM. Stone cold sober.

A few hours ago I found myself crying. I listened to the songs "The Drugs Don't Work" and "Bitter Sweet Symphony" by The Verve and I found myself tearing up. I can't remember the last time I cried while sober. The only emotions I tend to feel are fear and anxiety and anger but today I allowed myself to feel something else. I allowed vulnerability to creep in and I feel good about it. I am a human being. I am allowed to feel things! My emotions are valid!

I will tell my co-workers I will not drink. These are people I will never see again because I'm moving to another town. I will not ruin my sobriety. I don't care if I come across as weird or whatever. They remember I used to buy a bottle of wine pretty much every other day and during the last twelve months they never saw me buying alcohol again, so I don't think it will come as a huge shock.

Day 36.

Cannabis (marijuana) is the most commonly used illicit drug. For many years, marijuana has been considered a soft drug, exempt from the usual concerns about addiction. However, recent research has shown that cannabis withdrawal can and does occur when heavy pot smokers discontinue its use.