I've always had a great handle on emotional troubles, and been able to deal with them well. But after living with a "bipolar" person for 5 years, All my understanding has been covered up with the confusion of it just all being TOO MUCH. I know anger comes from insecurity and fear. I hate feeling this way, but it feels like I've been programmed or brainwashed or something. I get so unhappy and then angry that I can't even think rationally any more. I even feel like being violent sometimes, and I have always been a totally nonviolent person. I hate being controlled this way.
My significant other takes long drinking spells, for months at a time. He knows that I HATE,HATE,HATE it when he drinks, because he spends a great deal of time being angry and all puffed up, and it always ends up directed at me. It makes him cold and uncaring. It makes him always preoccupied, and too busy to do anything we usually do. Then he says that he loves me more than anything. But if he really did, then alcohol would not be so important. I have made it abundantly clear how it makes me feel when he drinks, but to no avail. He says it doesn't bother him not to drink, he just happens to like it. What I am hearing is that he is saying he just happens to like making my life miserable. I say if it creates such a gulf between us to do so, and it doesn't bother him not to, then WHY OH WHY do it at all? He says because NO ONE is going to control HIM! And he WILL do what he wants.
When he has his bipolar spells, he gets short tempered and obsesses on every little thing that he feels is wrong, even stuff that no one else notices. He even gets mad at me for not getting mad! But his reactions to things are so huge that it covers up the thing that is the original "problem" and his reaction becomes the biggest problem, so I don't even have time to think about the actual "problem" that started the whole thing. I find myself getting scared to tell him anything, no matter how small, like "I can't find the flashlight", because this sets off a whole days worth or more of complaining and bad, bad mood, criticisms, and the ever present threat of more drinking. I'm starting to get so sensitive to all this, that I create the scenarios in my head all the way from saying I can't find the falshlight on to the big fight that is inevitable no matter how I handle it. Oh yes, I always get accused of starting the fights too. So, I start to feel as if He is ripping me off. Withholding all this supposed love he has for me, stealing my sense of security, my peace of mind, robbing me of being able to just relax and have a good day. He can steal a perfectly good day in an instant. I get real angry at him for doing all this to me.
I've always believed that if you have a problem with someone or feel a certain way about something, you get upfront about it, short and sweet, don't say anything you don't really mean, etc. He can't take hearing anything about how I feel. My feelings always end up making him angry. I believe if you're married then you are a partnership, and should be able to discuss things with the other person, figure out problems together, and then back each other up. Give more than 50% all the time. But every time I try to do this, he becomes a separatist, and creates a bigger problem by fighting. It's like he feels in competition with me all the time. I've even seen him start fighting with me over something that he agrees with me on, just simply because he has a control obsession. He feels like he MUST be in charge of all decisions, even tho he says differently. But he can't really be in charge of anything, because he can't handle stress. So he throws himself into continuous stressfull situations that put him in a bad mood. And he then takes it out on me. So I'm getting real resentful. My tolerance level is going down and down to almost nothing. I don't do being a victim well. I am strong willed, and very efficient, and have had to be the one in charge for as long as I can remember. I always look for simple solutions to problems. I only wanted a helper, someone who would do things together with me so I didn't have to be "IT" all the time, but what I got was bedlam. I tried backing off completely and letting him be in charge and make all the decisions seeing how that seemed to be so important to him, but this just causes more trouble, because his decision making skills are rotten, and it just brings more stress. I was hoping that the old trick of "give 'em enough rope and they'll hang themselves" would work, and that he'd see after a while what trouble he makes for himself by being this way, and I know he's not stupid, but he just won't get it. It's nearly impossible to plan anything, even a shopping trip to town, or having a laundry day, because he is so subject to change. I try to plan things so as to be efficient, and he ends up leaving me hanging at the last minute, or getting in my way, or keeping me standing around for lengthy periods of time waiting to see what he wants to do. I KNOW if it were the other way around he would be driven MAD by it. I only ask for him to treat me the way he would want to be treated. But he can't get that either. I think this bipolar thing is a bunch of crap, just an excuse to keep acting badly. It's easier than trying to get his act together. I just hate feeling like MY emotions are out of control now because of it. But on the other hand I feel like there is NO MORE ROOM for his crap, and I'll be the first to let him know that he has pushed me to my limits. What to do? I need a vacation. Well, he just got over a spell of bipolar, and a long bout of drinking, and now everything is all OK again, except that my nerves are so on edge that it takes a long time for ME to get over it. I don't feel like I ever get a long enough break. So I get angry easily and hurt even more easily. I've become extremely sensitive to every little sigh or ounce of bad body language. I cry too easily, if I even think he might be starting to get testy with me. I do start fights now because of all the crap I've had to put up with for so long, and I never did before, even tho they have ALL been blamed on me from the beginning. This is like being caught in a trap, and I can't find the way out.
I've never been this way before
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by earthmother » Sun Aug 21, 2005 4:30 pm
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by TalkToMe » Mon Aug 22, 2005 2:51 am
Hi Earthmother,
I just wanted to give you a supporting hand here with your situation. It's hard...really hard to deal with. I think that you are a very strong-willed person to be able to cope with such a situation for so long and still remain level-headed. Really, that is something that is commendable. Now, we need to come up with a solution that is the right one--for you. I don't have the step-by-step guide to give you in your particular case because I don't have every specific detail, so I will just list some guidelines, but feel free to chat with me or send me an e-mail. I’m always there to help.
Here are some general guidelines for you to consider:
He is in control—Yes, but there are consequences of misusing that control. You mentioned that when you try talking to him about his drinking, he explodes into an argument saying that no one is going to control him—or something to that effect. Well, yes. I agree with him—to a miniscule extent. He is in control of his own actions, just as we all are. No body is going to control him either. However, the flip side to this and one that empathizes with your situation is that while he may have complete control over his own actions, he is also responsible for the consequences of those actions. If he chooses to drink over your pleas not to, then what are the consequences there? What should that be telling you?
A change in behavior can only come from within. An important thing to remember is that NO BODY has the power to change how other people behave. It has to be a conscious effort on their part. We can defuse their anger and gain voluntary compliance in the short run, but we can't change their behavior in the long run unless they want to change. It's a point that often missed in relationships. I think in your particular case, you have made your plead with him to change and he has either taken it too lightly or just completely ignored it. Maybe he is testing to see how much he can get away with, or perhaps he assumes that you won’t do anything. In any event, since there is little or no consequence for his actions, he has little or no incentive to change.
Have a backup plan. Dealing with a person who has a problematic behavior is a negotiation. You are negotiating his acceptable or unacceptable behavior towards you. In any good negotiation, you need to have a back-up plan. A back-up plan is the best solution that you can come up with by yourself that will meet all of your needs (emotional or otherwise) without discussing with him at all (i.e. leaving the relationship). Right now, it would seem that he has most of the negotiating power because he knows that he can display unacceptable behavior towards you without much fear of reprisal. Having a plan B gives you a lot of power to bring him to the negotiating table because it empowers you with the ability to move forward instead of conceding or falling back. Make sure you don't threaten him with your plan B because he will interpret this as a threat or an attack. Rather use questions to force him to educate himself as to the possible consequences of his actions. You can do this by posing the question, "What do you think might happen to our relationship if we can't work this out?"....or something along those lines. I just can't stress to you enough how important it is to have a plan B in your type of situation because not only does it give you a way out and a way forward, but it also gives you a reference point to know when its time to consider walking out. If what you can get on your own is better than what he is willing to work with you on, then that should be a red-flag that its time to walk. Obviously, love and relationships are a difficult thing to put into quantifiable terms, but they can also be weighed against the emotional anguish that the relationship also brings. Have an out for yourself.
Well, that is about all I can say right now, but feel free to chat with me about this and let me know how it works out for you.
Bye.
Tristan
I just wanted to give you a supporting hand here with your situation. It's hard...really hard to deal with. I think that you are a very strong-willed person to be able to cope with such a situation for so long and still remain level-headed. Really, that is something that is commendable. Now, we need to come up with a solution that is the right one--for you. I don't have the step-by-step guide to give you in your particular case because I don't have every specific detail, so I will just list some guidelines, but feel free to chat with me or send me an e-mail. I’m always there to help.
Here are some general guidelines for you to consider:
He is in control—Yes, but there are consequences of misusing that control. You mentioned that when you try talking to him about his drinking, he explodes into an argument saying that no one is going to control him—or something to that effect. Well, yes. I agree with him—to a miniscule extent. He is in control of his own actions, just as we all are. No body is going to control him either. However, the flip side to this and one that empathizes with your situation is that while he may have complete control over his own actions, he is also responsible for the consequences of those actions. If he chooses to drink over your pleas not to, then what are the consequences there? What should that be telling you?
A change in behavior can only come from within. An important thing to remember is that NO BODY has the power to change how other people behave. It has to be a conscious effort on their part. We can defuse their anger and gain voluntary compliance in the short run, but we can't change their behavior in the long run unless they want to change. It's a point that often missed in relationships. I think in your particular case, you have made your plead with him to change and he has either taken it too lightly or just completely ignored it. Maybe he is testing to see how much he can get away with, or perhaps he assumes that you won’t do anything. In any event, since there is little or no consequence for his actions, he has little or no incentive to change.
Have a backup plan. Dealing with a person who has a problematic behavior is a negotiation. You are negotiating his acceptable or unacceptable behavior towards you. In any good negotiation, you need to have a back-up plan. A back-up plan is the best solution that you can come up with by yourself that will meet all of your needs (emotional or otherwise) without discussing with him at all (i.e. leaving the relationship). Right now, it would seem that he has most of the negotiating power because he knows that he can display unacceptable behavior towards you without much fear of reprisal. Having a plan B gives you a lot of power to bring him to the negotiating table because it empowers you with the ability to move forward instead of conceding or falling back. Make sure you don't threaten him with your plan B because he will interpret this as a threat or an attack. Rather use questions to force him to educate himself as to the possible consequences of his actions. You can do this by posing the question, "What do you think might happen to our relationship if we can't work this out?"....or something along those lines. I just can't stress to you enough how important it is to have a plan B in your type of situation because not only does it give you a way out and a way forward, but it also gives you a reference point to know when its time to consider walking out. If what you can get on your own is better than what he is willing to work with you on, then that should be a red-flag that its time to walk. Obviously, love and relationships are a difficult thing to put into quantifiable terms, but they can also be weighed against the emotional anguish that the relationship also brings. Have an out for yourself.
Well, that is about all I can say right now, but feel free to chat with me about this and let me know how it works out for you.
Bye.
Tristan
by earthmother » Mon Aug 22, 2005 3:42 pm
Actually, I always agree with him when he says that NOBODY is going to control him. That is self evident. But I do point out that I should think that he would want to control himself. I've asked him over and over what he thinks he is accomplishing by being this way. But each time I ask him a REAL and simple question like that or just make a very straight foreward comment about the situation, he simply will not answer it. He tries to ignore the question and change the subject to put the spotlight back on me. Or he changes things completely around and acts as if he didn't understand what I said. It never really works, but he seems to get so out there that he doesn't notice. If he can't win any other way, he'll start acusing me of doing all the things that he is doing. All arguements just spin in a circle and go no where, becaues he won't take any responsibility. I wouldn't say there are no consequences, because I don't back down. So the consequences are the ways I react, and as long as he is determined to be an donkey, then he gets nothing more from me than what he puts into the relationship. I instantly reflect back what he puts out. Like a very clear mirror that does not lie.
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by earthmother » Mon Aug 22, 2005 4:48 pm
Sorry this got split up, I got disturbed and had to come back to it.
At any rate, what I'm really disturbed over is that even when everything is all good, I've gotten so supersensitive that if I even hear one of his "patent" statements that he always makes when he doesn't like something - knowing that I've heard it a million times before and it really means nothing - or he sighs when I go to give him a hug, or any other minute sign of something being wrong, I get so upset that I instantly get tears in my eyes and start freaking out, because in my mind, I JUST CAN'T STAND ANY MORE. It's just all too much. That gives him the impression that I'm turning into a bitch, I'm weak, I'm wrong, and makes him feel even more like he's right. My reactions are giving him power and control instead of making him think twice... I need to stop giving him control over my emotions! But my emotions ARE the consequences. And it gets shoved down his throat and mine too. So how do I sort this out?
At any rate, what I'm really disturbed over is that even when everything is all good, I've gotten so supersensitive that if I even hear one of his "patent" statements that he always makes when he doesn't like something - knowing that I've heard it a million times before and it really means nothing - or he sighs when I go to give him a hug, or any other minute sign of something being wrong, I get so upset that I instantly get tears in my eyes and start freaking out, because in my mind, I JUST CAN'T STAND ANY MORE. It's just all too much. That gives him the impression that I'm turning into a bitch, I'm weak, I'm wrong, and makes him feel even more like he's right. My reactions are giving him power and control instead of making him think twice... I need to stop giving him control over my emotions! But my emotions ARE the consequences. And it gets shoved down his throat and mine too. So how do I sort this out?
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by antonio » Wed Sep 14, 2005 9:26 pm
Oh my, You are making me feel so so bad, I undersatnd everything you say, but unfortunatley from my wifes's point of view not mine. It is a living hell to be with an alcoholic. My wife only understands because her father had a problem too. i wish i knew what to say to you, I am doing better beacause I have tried so hard and care so much as i am sure your family do ! You have to be more patient than a saint... you may have setbacks.. i hope and pray that things get so so much better for you. The alcoholic is the only one who truly knows what it feels like... we do not stop caring or loving.. it may seem like that. You are not weak you are strong! regards. Antonio x
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