by Leo Volont » Fri Jun 01, 2018 12:35 pm
Hi Thanos,
Sorry, it took me a while to post a reply… I was out all day. But, yes, you do have an anger problem, and, no, as it is now you can’t be sure you will not be triggered into angry behavior when your little one comes along. And, you also have other things to worry about. You should realize that all the higher ups at Work are probably already looking to replace you. There is no way that you would not be now perceived as being a liability to the company. What you need to do now, urgently, as a measure of Damage Control is to at least SAY that you are actively seeking Anger Management Counseling (more on this below). Check your Insurance Plan… if you have any kind of Psychological Coverage, you really need to use it, even if it requires a Co-Pay. Remember, while nobody is telling you this, your Job is on the line. And so is your marriage.
Now, for some Instant Help. If you understood what our friend, a new member, Mustafa had been telling you, well, my core advice to new members who have moderate to severe anger (yours is moderate, thank God), is that they can “manage” the worst of it if they only learn One Trick, and that is to control their Cortisol. Now, Cortisol is the Fight Flight Freeze Hormone. It is released by a gland down at the bottom of the brain, close to the brain stem. It is released when the Brain evaluates Reality in such a way as to feel Threatened. But the thing about the Gland that pumps Cortisol, is that the more it pumps Cortisol the more it THINKS that it HAS TO pump Cortisol, that is, if you live a High Stress Life, then the Stress will only build on itself -- Cortisol begets more Cortisol. You have to break the pattern and put a stop to all that Cortisol.
Well, HOW? Here’s the Trick. Because that Gland that Pumps Cortisol is so close to the Mouth and Jaw Muscles, the first sign that Cortisol is being released is that your jaw muscles will tighten up… your teeth will clench, or even you will just notice that you close your mouth or your teeth come together when they are usually separated. When that happens INSTANTLY and CONSCIOUSLY RELAX your jaw muscles… open your mouth and breath your mouth and THINK “Whoa! That was close”. Now, the thing about that Cortisol Gland is that it is Closer to the reason why you were about to Flip Out and Blow Up then your conscious mind is. That Stupid Gland is typically AWARE of your changing mood then your Higher Faculties and Thinking Mind… by a couple of seconds. SO, you can’t rely on Controlling your Anger after the Cortisol has already been pumping for a few Seconds. You see, another thing that Cortisol does is that it actually INHIBITS your Higher Mental Functions (which is why the Coaches tell their athletes to keep their Emotions in check because an Angry Player is a Stupid Player). So, your Jaw Muscles will KNOW about your Anger even before you realize Mentally, that you have just been insulted, or that other driver cut you off on purpose, or whatever. All the times that you THINK that you blew up Instantly, well, if you actually go back and think about it, it probably took about 2 seconds for the Cortisol to ramp up and kick in. That is not much time, BUT, with practice you can learn to INSTANTLY recognize the Teeth Clench and then to INSTANTLY Relax and “Whoa! That was close!”
Now, of course, whatever happened to trigger the Cortisol , did happen, so you must be on the alert to Keep Calm and Stay Calm. You stopped the flow of Cortisol, but you have to continue on top of your feelings and perceptions of the situation. Instead of thinking “I was just seriously insulted” you should be thinking “Okay, THIS is what I have been waiting for, an opportunity to prove to myself and the World that I can stay calm no matter what. I am not going to let THIS push my buttons. AND I better keep breathing through my mouth. I just have to keep my voice low, soft and calm.
Thanos, really, this IS very important for you. Why don’t you please just scan down the last ten or fifteen posts and read the advice I have given to other moderately angry people like yourself. I recommend books to read, and I speak of various life situations, from which you can extrapolate. (I would write all of that now, but, its getting very late where I am).
Oh, and in regards to your counselling, well, if your Health Plan does not cover it, then get back with me and this Forum, and between us all (we have a core group of very helpful Helper Members who contribute to the Forum) we will keep you busy and on track with your Anger Management Work. Maybe you should get your wife to write in. One thing I could tell her is that people CAN and DO Change, BUT that it is more than an Attitude Change. We KNOW you have had your Attitude Change, and that you are Sincere, BUT that is not enough (though learning the Cortisol Trick can be pivotal for you)… it will take a lot of thought and practice to effectively Change the way you Think About Things and to Change the way you Habitually Behave. I call it the Three Rs – Review, Revise, Rehearse. For the Rest of your Life you must Review everything you Do and Say in terms of whether it is Helping You or Hurting You (and expressing Anger or making any Dramatic Scene always Hurts). Once you know from Review that you have a habit of Thought or Behavior that is screwing up your life, then you have to think about what you should be thinking and doing instead – you have to Revise how you think and how you behave. That takes imagination. That is why you should be reading Anger management Books – to give you ideas. Once you have an idea on what your new Thinking and Acting should be, you need to Rehearse – go over it in your mind again and again, so that the next time the Situation Comes up, you will be able to just Jump in and Think and Act as planned.
Now, a lot of people say “that is being a Phony and I want to just be myself”. Well, “yourself” was how you were accidentally raised to be. Nobody I know was raised by two parents who had PHD’s in Childhood Development. We were all screwed up by incompetent parents who were doing their best, but didn’t know what the heck they were doing. But that doesn’t mean we have to live with the results, does it? We can be whomsoever we want to be, but it will be like learning how to play the Violin – it will be scratchy and tentative at first. Only after years will your None Angry Life be fluid and flow naturally and pleasantly. Yeah, get your Wife to write in and I will tell her myself that you might have a few slips, but that if you Practice your Anger Management every day, that you will eventually master it. And this will clue her that she should monitor your progress. The best evidence is to always have two Anger Management Books on the night table – the one you are reading now, and the One you will be reading next. In Six Months you should have a number of books on your book shelf. You should be able to give your wife oral book reports (No, Honey, that one sucks because it talks about how Anger is sometimes healthy, but that is BS. You should look at this book because it goes into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which has proven the most effective Therapy for Anger Management…. Blah blah blah. ) Show the Old Lady that you are serious and she will more readily give you the benefit of the doubt. You know, she hasn’t told you, but she IS thinking of going home to her parents. You really need to re-establish trust, and just telling her “it will never happen again…. Well, when the Girls get Together, that is what they all warn each other about. If anything, your “promising not to do it again” only raises Red Flags…
I got to get some sleep…. Good night, Thanos. Stay in touch.