Hi there, Just wondering if you're sure you're bulimic and not anorexic? The former is more dangerous to your health in the immediate future (due to dehydration, potential of ruptered esophagus, ulcers, dental infections and such) and really does need medical attention ASAP. Both are sometimes lethal disorders, just that there's more time to work with anorexia. What you describe sounds more like anorexia. What did your doctor call it? Bulimia is more about impulse contol. So, like the need to act on a thought, like an itch the must be scratched and if you don't you feel like you'll go mad. So like eating a ton of food and then purging it. Anorexia tends to be just the opposite- withholding against cravings and extreme control of your needs and actions. So like starving yourself. For some people, they have both disorders alternatingly. This is considered an eating disorder "not otherwise specified." Aka ED NOS.
Sometimes they start out as wanting to be thin, but often it's much deeper rooted than that. Often it relates to low self worth that was learned, like with the bullying. So, fixing the ED requires processing the trauma of the cruel abuse you suffered. A lot of times when one is abused they have huge rage but are helpless to express it at the offender, so it's internalized, turned inward. No one deserves that kind of abuse. I'm sorry for your pain.
I'm learning that one way to address my own eating disorder is to try to tap into that buried rage and take it out via a physical activity. To punch a pillow until I'm crying or to run in the field until I'm utterly exhausted. The key is to really keep focused in on the anger, the injustice. And then after that I find a way to comfort and soothe myself and treat myself lovingly, the way I truly deseved.
