Quitting MJ journal

I’m starting this journal to keep me accountable and possibly connect with others dealing with the same problems. I may post sporadically. I don’t have the intention of posting daily or routinely.

I have been heavily smoking marijuana for 4 years now. This is day 7 of going cold turkey.

My appetite is still affected. It’s been hard for me to eat more than a meal a day. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. I am overweight. 5’11” 220 lbs (180cm 101kg). It’s very difficult for me to get out of bed in the morning. My job has become a telework, come in as you need to model. I’ve been shirking some responsibilities for my job, which my supervisor hasn’t caught on to. Especially checking my work e-mails. This adds to my anxiety for the fear of being fired. I know what I have to do, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

I find myself very emotional at times. The other day, my co-worker told me his wife is asking for a divorce, and I started crying. I don’t think he was expecting another man cry on his behalf. I think I started crying because I can relate to the feelings of inadequacy. I’ve felt this my whole life. I believe my low self esteem and feelings of inadequacy has led me to be single my whole life.

At this point, I don’t know if I even want a relationship or marriage anymore. I know I just don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. All my friends are still in the military and they’ve moved away to their next command and moved on with the next chapter of their lives starting families.

I was in the Navy’s Special Operations Command as an Electronics Technician before my addiction started. Being in the military kept me away from drugs. But it was a fast pace, high stress environment. I’ve done two deployments to Iraq. This was during the time U.S and NATO forces were fighting ISIS in Iraq. I knew I couldn’t take much more stress and fear that came with that kind of work environment. I finished my enlistment and rejoined civilian life working as a defense contractor for satellite communications.

Now I’m starting to realize instead of dealing with the stress or the trials and tribulation of life, I’ve been using weed as a crutch. Smoking helped numb the pain. It temporarily took away the stress and fears. It left me stagnant in life development and emotional development. All of life’s problems are compounding with the time I’ve wasted.

I know I can’t achieve true happiness in life while smoking. Nonetheless all I can think about is weed. Just the thought of smoking a bowl and that rush of dopamine that comes after seems so irresistible. All I feel is fear, sorrow, and lethargy at the moment. I don’t know how much longer I can stay abstinent, but reading other people’s posts is giving me the smallest glimmer of hope. I hope I’m strong enough to overcome this.