Round... I lost count :)

**Posts:** 359 · by **Nelson80** » Mon May 11, 2020 4:20 pm

If you were to look through my post history you'd see that I started posting here around 2008... I was merely 28 years old then. I'm 40 now and still in the same boat as before. This website still exists, people have come and gone, some have succeeded, others have taken a different route. Weed has this sneaky way of being somewhere between its not that bad for you, to having a pretty significant negative impact on your life. I'd go for long stretches being generally happy and productive and satisfied with my life, even with weed there. I never used very much, ever, but I always use it daily and I have for basically the last 25 years of my life give or take a few attempts to stop. I noticed long ago the negative effect it had on my life and that is I just don't have the zest or ambition that I know is in there and probably most of all I lack a peacefulness that I haven't experienced in a long time. I've tried 25 years of life with weed, now I want to try it without. Today marks 2 years for me sober from booze, weed helped me bridge that gap and it really did help me during times of craving, etc. It was a substitute and I planned it that way. I knew what I was doing and it helped me overcome booze which I'll never deny is far, far worse than pot. Not to diminish pots negative consequences, however. Over the last few months the side of me that wants to stop has reared its head again. Its voice is getting louder and I'm paying attention. Not only have I quit booze in the last two years I've also taken up running, and weight lifting and made progress I never thought I would achieve. I can easily run 5km and have done 10km multiple times. I was able to bounce back from a non-athletic person to be in the best shape of my life. My career is going good, I have hobbies, I'm doing all the things, but I'm doing all the things with weed there in the background. I'm scared, I'm afraid, but I've learned and gained experience over these years. What weed is taking from me I would like to take back now, please and thank you. Plan is in early stages, there are some logistics to figure out, sleepless nights ahead and basic adjusting and adapting to life. This is step #1. Thank you for reading

**Posts:** 3017 · by **tokeless** » Mon May 11, 2020 6:45 pm

Hi,
What weed is taking from me I would like to take back now, please and thank you.

I'm not sure what that is... could you explain a bit more. From your post my feeling is that weed isn't the issue and perhaps it masks what may be underneath.
Anyway, can you say more please?
Best wishes

**Posts:** 359 · by **Nelson80** » Mon May 11, 2020 9:33 pm

tokeless wrote:Hi,
What weed is taking from me I would like to take back now, please and thank you.

I'm not sure what that is... could you explain a bit more. From your post my feeling is that weed isn't the issue and perhaps it masks what may be underneath.
Anyway, can you say more please?
Best wishes

Thanks for replying Tokeless.

I'm not sure if I fully understand what weed has taken from me really. I've spent my entire adult life hiding behind the effects of alcohol and cannabis. Now that alcohol is out of the picture I have made a lot of gains. I've accomplished more goals in the last two years than I did in the previous 10. What weed is taking from me, I believe, is the ability to live a life clear-headed and guilt free. I feel guilty for smoking weed, its not against the law in my country, my family and friends and employeer are cool with it - its just a personal thing thats causing the guilt. I think it might be robbing me of ambition and zest and excitment for the small things in life. My emotions can be sporadic and unpredictable. Deep down I don't want to be using it, yet I continue to do so. Its an escape and burns up a lot of my time. I also believe that its caused my emotions to be unstable. Its hard for me to answer your question better than that at this point. I've got a lot of self-discovery to do. I'm not sure who I really am without that substance having an influence over my mind and thoughts.

Tokeless I'm genuinely curious what made you think weed might not be the problem? I'm here to learn and any and all perspectives are completely welcome, I'm hoping people like yourself can help me to learn more about myself

Thank you

Nelson

**Posts:** 3017 · by **tokeless** » Tue May 12, 2020 6:14 am

I'd go for long stretches being generally happy and productive and satisfied with my life, even with weed there. I never used very much, ever, but I always use it daily and I have for basically the last 25 years of my life give or take a few attempts to stop. I noticed long ago the negative effect it had on my life and that is I just don't have the zest or ambition that I know is in there and probably most of all I lack a peacefulness that I haven't experienced in a long time.

From this it seems you do experience some level of happiness or satisfaction with your life even though you smoked weed daily. However, at the back of your thoughts there's the feeling that you still miss something in or about your life. Why is weed blocking that or stopping you? You adapted well to cutting out alcohol, albeit with using weed so you can change your behaviours if you truly want to. Weed can create apathy and procrastination and perhaps it would help stop that. That still doesn't mean you will suddenly find what you seek within yourself. Who else is in your life? What belonging do you have with others? Also, perhaps you are more conscious of being 40 and still doing what you did at 25? Who have you shared your life with in those 15 years? I think we all feel a need to belong and weed et al can be that thing in the absence of what we really need... hope that makes sense.

**Posts:** 1503 · by **wakinglife** » Tue May 12, 2020 4:06 pm

Wow, Nelson80! I have a pretty clear recollection of you from about a decade ago. Thank you so much for coming back here to share your story. 28 to 40, still smoking. Your firsthand experience is a reminder that time just keeps ticking, and we each have to decide how we choose to spend it.

Congratulations on quitting booze. I toy with giving it up, myself. My biggest fear is that it would reduce my social interactions. It sounds like putting down the bottle has really improved your life.

The way you describe how weed mildly, yet somewhat insidiously, takes euphoria from your life really resonates with me.

Glad you're here. I look forward to seeing you progress towards the life you know you deserve.

WL

**Posts:** 328 · by **SparkleFly12** » Tue May 19, 2020 2:30 pm

I hate to be the bearer of bad news Nelson80; but the only way to see whether weed is actually doing what you fear it is is to stop smoking. Weed affects everyone differently, some people it really messes with ambitions and makes them slackers. For me, it helped me and motivated me to work more since I find my work interesting. But everyone is different, and the only way to find out is to quit.

You could taper off smoking over a month or two; to minimize any withdrawal effects; and hopefully you wont feel them.

I completely relate to the guilt you are feeling. I never felt guilt about legality or affect on my job performance; but I felt guilt knowing that my family looked down on it; and also that it was *not* what was expected of me in society. It was a cheat code I was using to get past the toughest bosses in life. I did want to prove to myself that I could do it without weed; which I hadnt done since I entered the real world after college.

All that said, guilt wasnt the main reason I quit, but was certainly is a factor.

Cheers, hope you figure yourself out.

**Posts:** 359 · by **Nelson80** » Thu May 21, 2020 6:54 pm

Thanks Wakinglife, tokeless and Sparklefly for responding to my post.

The thoughts of a life without pot are appealing to me. The night of the date I made this original post was supposed to be my first day free from weed. I gave up before midnight. Laying in bed, twitchy, craving psychologically, I threw in the towel and had a low dose edible. Within 15 to 20 minutes I could feel the familiar effects, pleasant ones, next thing I knew it was 7am. Since then I've been in a pretty happy place and for better or worse put my thoughts about quiting on the backburner.

I know whats going to happen though, I'll hit another low, identify weed as a possible cause and go through this cycle again. Damn you weed, sneaky. When cigarettes or booze was the challenge the negatives were pretty heavy and very obvious, that made it easier to make a committment. Weed is different for me, its walking right on the edge of not causing too much trouble to causing enough trouble that I want to leave it in the past. I'm making excuses for myself I know, I'm not being real and truthful and I'm avoiding it because it will be "hard".

Cannabis might not be insanely physically addictive but in other ways I think its powerfully addictive. I'm not giving up but I don't know what my next steps are and or when I'll find the motivation to get back on track to a healthier life/mind.

**Posts:** 359 · by **Nelson80** » Mon Jun 15, 2020 9:48 pm

I'm back... The wheels of quitting have been turning since my original post almost a month ago. I spent the last two day formulating and preparing. Today is my last day. I'm ready for the sleepless nights and I'm ready to start reclaiming my life. There is an awakening awaiting me. I've not had a stretch longer than a month or so without cannabis since I was a child. I have no idea what that is like and I'm ready to find out, and I will. I'm done. I'm taking the steps I need to take to turn this ship around. Exciting.

**Posts:** 359 · by **Nelson80** » Tue Jun 16, 2020 12:12 pm

Got through the first night of my new life. It was easy, no dreams and decent sleep. Definitely still have a lot of residual cannabinoid built up in my body. Wondering when the crazy dreams will return but I expect to encounter them by this weekend. Looking forward to imparting this experience on to my children in hopes it will counter the pro weed view that I'm sure they picked up from me over the years.

**Posts:** 359 · by **Nelson80** » Wed Jun 17, 2020 11:01 am

Second night down. I had a dream and remember it slightly, thats so incredible, nothing serious yet though but I know they're coming. I've been taking 10mg of melatonin slow release and that does seem to help me sleep and stay sleep. Already I'm so much more alert and easier to wake in the morning. My mood is pretty stable but I do get irritated very easily. Not much more to say at this point.

**Posts:** 359 · by **Nelson80** » Mon Jun 22, 2020 1:14 pm

I got through the first week. Sleep has been hard to come by but generally I can get 5 or 6 hours. The dreams haven't come crashing back yet so I know I still have a ways to go. Have been exercising and trying to continue my day job and hobbies as best as I can. Mostly I've been "pampering" myself and working on my thoughts and attitude towards creating a new life without weed in it.

**Posts:** 359 · by **Nelson80** » Thu Jun 25, 2020 3:38 pm

Day 10 after 25 years daily toking:

- Sleep: Last two night was the first time I got 7 or more hours of mostly uninterupted sleep in a long, long time. Use to wake in middle of the night to toke then back to sleep.
- Mind: Cravings come and go, very much come along as part of my routine. When I do things where I use to toke before hand the thoughts about weed come. Easy to overcome though since I don't want it at all. My motivation and ambition are rebounding back to my former stoner levels (I was a "high functioning" stoner) but it plumeted when I first stopped. Didn't want to do anything in the begining days.
- Emotions: Feeling slight / mild signs of my emotions returning. I honestly forget what emotions feel like. Teared up a couple of days ago while thinking about my progress and how much better it feels to not be baked all the time
- Hunger: Natural hunger is returning. Before I would not get hungry until I toked and doing intermitent fasting was easy. Hard for me to make it until lunch time without food now.

I'm much more at peace now. I got a 1/4lbs of weed and a crop of dehydrated and dying plants here and I don't give a sh** about it/them. I don't subscribe to the throwing it away, though I will soon get rid of it and use my grow gear for strawberries or edible herbs / spices. I couldn't risk the financial burden if my quit didn't work. If having weed in the house is the difference between me stopping or not then I didn't do it right (for me, please use your own discretion). I quit drinking years ago and there is always booze in the house consumed by those who rarley drink. Accessibility, for me, isn't how quitting works. My mind set is in the right spot atm.

I feel like I'm becoming happy again, its good to meet me, again

**Posts:** 359 · by **Nelson80** » Wed Aug 05, 2020 3:49 pm

50+ Days!

Things are different this time. My view of cannabis and my relationship has shifted. I'm ok with not using it again, in fact thats what I want now. It took forever for me to get out from under its grip but I finally made it. It took a lot of practice, lots of trial and error and psychological work. I'm feeling pretty good. The worst of the withdrawal is long gone and only some minor symptoms persist now. Nothing I can't deal with. I'm coping with a bit of anhedonia right now and I understand its going to take a while for me to recover from that, and thats ok. It was an unexpected bump in the road but I can get around it.

Life is so much better with a clear head and not having the nagging guilt and all the other negative stuff that comes with being an active addict. Each day things improve just a little bit. Life has its ups and downs as always but I'm happy to now face them head on, as nature intended.

Peace and love.

**Posts:** 80 · by **BCBUDFREE** » Wed Aug 19, 2020 1:06 am

Congrats on 90 Days! I am preparing for day one again and your posts help. Mindset is the key i think.

**Posts:** 198 · by **Prycejosh1987** » Sun Dec 13, 2020 5:23 pm

What people didnt know is that good sleep can help in the fight with addictions. It can also help with bad eating habits.

Round... I lost count :)

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