Getting over with past relationship

Hello!

I'd like to start with that this is not a plea for help. I doubt anyone can truly help, all i have to do is get over it. The problem is... I don't want to.

Im 23, she's 27. We both are permanent residents of the country we are living in and are not citizens. She has a child from first marriage and her ex-husband was very abusive.
We met at work. It all started unexpectedly. It all started in August and up untill the new year it has been perfect, she did live with her ex-husband and child, but i was confident she didn't have anything for him because i saw just how inhumane he was to her (but we knew he still loved her).

Once this wreck of a year hit its first minute, we had arguements, nothing big really. But little did i know that the following month would be a month full of suffering. She was drinking a lot lately and i tried to get to her, tried to tell her that its getting really bad, please stop. Instead she fell into a depression, she didn't know anything she wanted, we were on the brink of breaking up. Not that i didn't try, its just that she kept telling me why? Why do you want me so much? I'm a wreck with a child, no where to live, without any savings and im old (27 old, god i hate it when she says that).
It lasted through-out the month, sometimes better, sometimes worse. But the worst time was when she got kicked out the door suddenly by her ex at the end of January. She stayed at a friends house. I was afraid, but we found touch, it got better despite the dire situation and at the start of febuary i found a studio and rented it for us to live.

All was good, perfect even. I know her very well, i saw her look and how happy and positive she was. I was extremely happy as well.

A little about myself, i've always been extremely caring, sentimental and showing my love constantly. In every quarrel we had i always said sorry (even if i was right) just because i wanted her to know how much she meant to me. I feared no expense on her. Always wanting her to have the thing she wanted. She even told me to stop saving up on myself. Forced me to buy something formyself and paid for it. She is a wonderful person really, when she is in her right state of mind she is extremely loving and caring too. She is cheerful and creative. As you already know, she is also older than me and more experienced. From stuff like cooking to house work and medicine. A lot of things i learned from her, which is to say that she did learn a lot from me too. I was always an odd one out from everyone else. Not anti-social or anything, i had a lot of friends and talked to anyone, but i was different.

Nevertheless, this relationship was my 7th, but this time i felt completely different. It's as if she opened my eyes to the world. For the first time in my relationships or observing others, i could say i wouldn't look back. I wouldn't doubt if she is the one i'd like to spend my life with. Its that feeling of completeness. We had plans, we built big plans for our future, plans that would never come to fruition. She always said that i was the best thing that happened in her life. She had problems with her family, she was a victim of rape at 17, a secret only i knew and a select few.

March came along, we were living happily. Then on the birthday of our close friend we went out, went to karaoke. It was a company of 5. Thats when she cheated. It was like 4 o'clock in the morning and she was wasted, we were all wasted really bad. But i had a surreal feeling that something is wrong, i went to check the toilet cabines. Nothing, quiet. But i stayed and waited for the only cabin to open. She came out, i had a massive relief, but i went inside only to find him hiding behind the door. I didn't do anything, i just silently ran outside, ordered a taxi and while waiting for it she was all around me crying and falling on her knees saying she didn't know how that happened. We returned home and i announced that i am leaving. She was horrified. I stayed through-out the day because she was extremely drunk and drank more, i threw all the alcohole away. Afterwards she started clothing up (as hard as she could, she couldn't do it), saying that she doesn't want to live anymore, she'll go get drunk more. I stopped her. She kept trying to go get drunk for a couple hours, to the point that she couldn't walk, she crawled. She tried to push me away at first, saying how i don't deserve what she has done and afterwards saying very intentional mean things to push me away, so that she could get drunk more.
I layed her to sleep and went to the closest pharmacy to get something for her. Upon comming back i saw that she was crying as hard as she could, and she ate more than 20 pills i didn't know the effect of. I called the ambulance but she tried to stop me, saying that she didn't want to live without me. The ambulance arrived, dripped something into her and cleaned her stomach. For the next three days she must have vomited more than a hundred times.

I wasn't going to stay, i didn't think i would ever forgive infidelity. But i did, it was difficult. I asked every thing i could, i found out every detail to the point of how it happened. I had panic attacks, and often times during sex i would remember that time she came out that cabin. I wanted to see a psychologist, but i was running low on money. I didn't believe i could forgive but just gave it a chance. But i did. I started loving her once more, all was good. She tried her best to make up for it. Of course im still hunted by it, i don't think i'll ever forget, but im fine (except for sex, i still get those memories), but i learned to live with it just fine.

So, all was good untill COVID came along. We were stranded on a small studio for two and a half months. Three weeks of those we spent completely closed on self isolation because our colleuge was infected and we contacted him. I did have a hard time, i was about to fail my graduation from University. Work barely gave any money, we were living on my savings, days have become routine and i couldn't do anything about it. I was jealous, i admit, but thats only natural going through everything ive been to.

Then she had that depression just like in January, she started to drift away from me. I kept asking her whats wrong? I kept telling her to talk to me, we can fix this if we both tried. She kept saying she isn't worthy, she kept saying that she has too much bagage. The same old thing over again, "Im old, i have a child, I don't have money, i don't have anything" and the biggest of her issues is that she cheated, she felt extremely guilty. None of those were issues, i created a plan for all of that. But she kept drifting away more and more. I kept trying to talk to her. I tried different things, from love letters to quarreling, trying to show force. None of it worked. She broke up with me. I blamed myself, i found flaws. Thenwards she started trying to push me away intentionaly again, saying she is a cold bitch, that she has no empathy for anyone. She said that i'd find a girl much better than her that wouldn't hurt me as much as she did. She moved out to her friend, took a little stuff. She gets angry when i say that we can fix this, she tries to ignore me when i text her on trying to set up a dialogue about casual stuff (avoiding speaking about relationships). One of the things that she screamed out the last day is that she didn't i forgave her, i cried and promised her that im much better, believe me, to which she said that she doesn't believe that she can forgive herself. She said she's doesn't want anything anymore.

I just can't get away from the feeling that we could fix this, the hope in me still lives. I've cried like its a death for the past week. Im left all alone to myself in this small studio where everything reminds me of her. Not only the house, but the city, even when i go visit my parents, they remind me of her. Im left alone at the worst time, im left with big problems in university, work, my mother is haivng a surgery tomorrow, im having health problems on my own, im all in red spots, and worst of all she left me. I can't go back to my parents because it'll get worse. For as much as i love my mother, she is too much into the living energy stuff. She spends money on that, she tries to enforce her ideology on everyone else. Thats all she does. But thats aside from the topic.

You see, i realize that im powerless in this situation. It's all up to her right now, hopefully she'll be able to get over her depression and realize that im still waiting. I don't want to let go, i tried to convince myself i do, didn't work. All the things that helped me get past relationships just don't work. This one was too special... I don't know how to act, i lost appetite and barely eat, i know this is bad, but i just can't. I throwup eventually. I cry, cry a lot. Nothing helps, i lost the will to live. Nothing can distract me, i can't watch movies, read books or play games. There are a couple of friends to whom i could admit everything, but that's a temporary fix. It gets a little better for an hour or so and then i get all depressed once more. I could go on talking about her for hours and days straight. I can't even leave still, i can't go on a long walk because our country is still on lockdown, i can't meet anyone even.
This is a nightmare. What amazes me is that despite the fact that i felt horrible when she cheated, for some unbeknown to me reason, i feel much worse now than then. I just want her to come back.