Perinatal Anxiety

Hi all. I'm new here.

I've had struggles with depression and anxiety since childhood, and over the years have received various treatments with varying success rates. I've had my ups and downs as we all do - but since getting pregnant with my second child my anxiety has completely taken over my life. My youngest is ten months now, so we're getting on for one of the longest periods of illness I've ever had. And it's just dawned on me that it doesn't look like it's going away any time soon.

As I'm sure is the case for a lot of people, this episode was brought on but massive economic and social insecurity- my partner and I were already in a financially precarious position when I was made redundant while pregnant and after that everything that I'd been keeping a lid on just overwhelmed me. We are still very poor as my partner works a minimum wage job as a nursing assistant and as we now have two children under three, I wouldn't be in a position to look for another job even if I were well enough as the cost of childcare would be prohibitive.

My anxiety doesn't seem to have a particular focus - except that it's usually narcissistic. A big thing for me is food: I have what I think is called cibophobia which means I'm scared of food, or more specifically of food making me sick. While I can usually make my kids and my partner meals (and I am a good cook and love eating when I'm not this mentally ill), most days I can't bring myself to eat it. Obviously my rational thoughts know that the food is safe, or else I wouldn't serve it to my kids, but the "what-ifs" set in and I end up eating toast, or plain pasta, because that way if the food is in some way contaminated at least i will be ok to look after everyone. I have lost so much weight and this is not something I'm proud of - this isn't an eating disorder that focuses on body image, thankfully this isn't an issue for me. I know I've had this kind of catastrophic thinking around food for years, and it flares up when I'm having an episode and just makes it worse - after all isn't one of the first things you're told to do for your mental health to eat well?

I keep trying to unpack all of the thinking around why I might feel as bad as I do but it feels overwhelming. At the moment I'm at a point where I struggle to leave the house, to see even my closest friends or family even if they come to visit me, to take my kids to the park or to visit the doctors, sometimes even to make a phone call. I often keep a handle on things during the day only to have panic attacks once my kids are asleep or in the middle of the night. So even if my baby miraculously started sleeping through, I doubt I'd get a good nights rest.

My GP has been appalling, they have thrown ssris at me which are contraindicated for breastfeeding and the waiting list for CBT in my area is over six months. I'm lucky enough to have access to a counsellor via a local charity who does her best but I really feel I need something more focussed to crack this.

I know this has been quite long and rambling but please - is there light at the end of the tunnel?

I do my best to get out every day, to do some mindfulness meditation, to avoid caffeine and alcohol. I'm starting to think now my baby is eating more solids I should give the drugs a go: I took citalopram a few years back and it did seem to take the edge off.

Any experience or sage wisdom appreciated. Thanks