Too Much to Handle

Hello Angie, and welcome to the forum.

Firstly, good for you for having the bravery to talk about things - You say " I know what I should be doing. Why can't I just do it?", but here you are, making a start.

Depression affects different people in different ways, and sometimes I think it can help to just accept that for a period we will feel down. You have had a terrible experience, and you will need some time to adjust to that.

You feel that 'you should be getting on with things' but that is not the way it is at the moment; you don't need the extra pressure of hassling yourself about it.

You say you have thought about suicide, but of course it always creates more suffering than it removes, even when the depressed person thinks otherwise.

A good friend of mine was recently left by her husband and for 6 months was absolutely destroyed - she had simply come home from work to a note on the kitchen table - no warnings, nothing. During that time she spent a lot of time trying to work out what she did wrong.

She finally came to the understanding that no matter what she had done, nothing would excuse his cruel behaviour, lack of communication and understanding towards her, and she was eventually able to hear the voices of her friends who had been telling her this all along.

She is now in a new job, and beginning to feel that she can start opening herself up to the idea of building a new relationship again. Back during the times when she felt like you do now, she could not have imagined doing that.

One thing you might like to do just now is to take some time to read through the Depression Learning Pathto give you some tools in your recovery.

Stick around - this is a good place to be.

All my best

Roger

Hi Angie

Reading your story I cant help thinking that there is a few clues that could be that you might want to think about not just doing something besides getting out of your present depression but enshuring a greater degree of depression

Marsha Linehan has described a set of behavioral patterns that will make you prone to depression and also deteriorate your quality of life. Theese behaviours are very dominant in personality disorder but all people have them to a certain degree and people getting into depression more than once usualy has their fair share of those.

She speaks about emotional vulnerability, the tendency to react emotionally on lesser stimuli, and to have more severe and longer reactions. This is coupled with at tendency to selv-invalidation or selfblame, which is overlearned from an invalidating family enviroment.

She also describes what she calls "unrelenting crises" and inhibited griefing which is a patter of never really getting to terms with past losses even if there is a marked tendensy to be in emotionally emergency rather cronically.

If theese patterns ring a bell I would recommend that you read the relevant sections in her book and decide for yoursself if this could be a key.

In the short term i would suggest that you leave aside you "life situation" and focus on getting yourself "picked up" and get more active. This standard anti-depression strategy is more a behavioral challenge than a psychological one. It usually has to be done in spite of the emotional state that you will find yourself in, which some people find very hard.

Do you know how to reinforce you own behavior when you have done something good for yourself?








Oh - and for the record, I have been there.

Roger,

Thank you for your kind workds. It's so refreshing to speak with someone who really understands. I can only imagine how your friend must have felt after losing her husband. But I'm so proud of her for picking up the pieces of a broken heart and moving on. That is my main objective at this time. I checked out the link you mentioned and I am sure I will find it helpful.
Thanks again for being so nice.

tagfat:

You see right through me. I think the book you are referring to could help me a great deal. What is the title of it?

I couldn't agree with you more on your comment..... "In the short term i would suggest that you leave aside you "life situation" and focus on getting yourself "picked up" and get more active. This standard anti-depression strategy is more a behavioral challenge than a psychological one. It usually has to be done in spite of the emotional state that you will find yourself in, which some people find very hard. ".....I do find that to be very hard. But I'm also starting to see it's the only way.

Lastly, to answer your questions, no, I really do not have any way to reinforce myself when I have done something good for myself. I think before I worry about that, I should starting thinking about good things I can do for myself. Any suggestions?

This should hopefully link to Linehans book on personality disorder:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/de ... s&n=507846


Its a very personal matter what will actually be a good way to reinforce yourself positively. If you are too depressed it can even be very hard to do anything really effective. Taking a shower, bying a book, music or a phonecall to a freind could or could not be something for you. It doesnt have to be something extreme or overwhelming becuse to the small pleasure you find you can always add the satisfaction that you did something right. It is however important that you dont "reward" your acomplishments with thoughts of detail shortcomings, things still to be done and general hopelesness.

Cheers

Hi Angie

I really feel for you. I've been there too and it's just the pits.

As you say, trying to come to terms with the fact that someone who loved you (and I'm sure he did) can treat you in such a way is very hard. When it happened to me, a therapist I was seeing at the time pointed out to me that a relationship is over as soon as ONE person wants it to be over - the other person just doesn't have a choice. No matter how much they don't want it to be over. I think it's incredibly difficult to accept that lack of control over what is your own life and plans and dreams.

Splitting up like that - being let down so badly - is filled with lots of levels of pain. There's the day-to-day pain of not seeing the person, the pain of what they've done, the touch and affection of everyday life is missing and the dreams are gone, too. All the things you have to let go of - with no choice. You didn't choose it to happen this way.

It is a very serious pain - like an injury. You have been injured. And I think it is very helpful during this time to treat yourself as though you have been injured and need time to recover. You need to be looked after and nutured as much as possible. You will be very fragile and very vulnerable.

Along with all the healthy reading and suggestions tagfat and Roger have made, maybe you could find as many ways as possible to treat yourself as though recovering from an injury (you are). Massage would be really helpful, especially with aromatherapy oils from someone who knows what they're doing. It would help with the grieving and the letting go, and also, later, with getting your power back.

Eating your favourite food can be nuturing. (Or if comfort eating is a pattern, like it is for me, then not eating too much of the wrong stuff can be nuturing, too!)

Angie, it's just one step at a time. As you know, time will make a difference (painful though that seems now) so your task now is how do you get through the time keeping yourself intact? Everyday be kind to yourself, and try to talk to other people, try not to shut yourself away too much.

My suggestion for reading would be a book on grieving. You have suffered a huge loss, not just a loss in the present, but the loss of what you thought was your future and that cannot be underestimated. A good book on grieving will comfort you and have practical suggestions for looking after yourself. My suggestion would be to go to a bookshop and browse through the books on loss and grieving. You'll know which one is the right one for you.

One last thing - every time you find yourself crying and feeling like your heart will break (and isn't it just so weird how your heart hurts physically?) remember that you are letting go of a little bit more of the pain. And that's a good thing.

Take care
Juno

Tagfat,

Thank you for the link to the book. I will look into it. I will also consider what you said about finding little things I can do to make myself happy during the day. I already have some ideas for today.

Thanks again!

Juno,

All I can say is WOW! You really seem to know what you're talking about.

Your reply made a lot of sense to me. It's so comforting to hear that what I'm feeling is normal and is okay. (for the most part)

I do have plans to visit a book store in the near future and see if I can find a book that fits what I'm feeling right now. I could spend hours in the Self-Help section.

I like what you said about how each time I cry or get upset it's just more of the pain that I'm letting go of. That is a great way to look at it and I will try to have that attitude from now on. In my heart I know that I can not make this work. It's over now and I have a choice as to how I'm going to deal with it. Sometimes it doesn't feel that way though. I will try to adopt the "one day at a time" attitude. I think I'll start with one hour at a time.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond to me. I really appreciate it.

Angie

Hi Angie

One hour at a time is just fine! Some advice that was given to me recently to get through a rough patch was to divide the day into segments. That is, manageable bits. I found it really helpful. First thing in the morning, I'd plan the next hour or so. Then after that, I'd think about the next two hours and so on. It made it all so much more manageable.

Your pain IS normal and very OK. And it does take time, but with each passing day you're that much closer to recovery.

Be kind to yourself.
Juno