How can we handle these conflicts better?

#30

Postby desperate788 » Thu Feb 17, 2022 8:04 pm

I think women are different they dont love as much as men do. And their attachment is weaker.
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#31

Postby desperate788 » Thu Feb 17, 2022 8:05 pm

Have you ever seen a woman drinking for a man?
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#32

Postby Ascendant78 » Thu Feb 17, 2022 8:34 pm

desperate788 wrote:Have you ever seen a woman drinking for a man?


From all the research I've seen, generally speaking, men and women tend to stand on equal ground in regards to emotions. Women tend to be more expressive of emotions because of cultural and social norms, but men feel just as much as them.

As far as the drinking, yes, I've known many women who started drinking because of a break up as well. I actually know three off the top of my head that started drinking wine after the breakup. No idea why they prefer wine, but that seems to be the go-to for most women.

It's really more of an individual thing than a gender thing. Both men and women can be extremely emotional, or extremely detached.

With my ex-girlfriend, she has a few VERY bad narcissistic traits when she's angry. One of them is a lack of object constancy (ability to retain positive feelings about someone while you are angry, hurt, frustrated, or disappointed with their behavior). That is why she is so quick to break up. At that time, her love is almost non-existent. It's all replaced with hatred and disgust. She flat out told me at times how much she hated me when she was angry. I was always her punching bag. She knew I can take it, but I sure as hell didn't deserve it.

Another bad trait she has when angry is a complete lack of empathy. She hurts you relentlessly. Even if you tell her how much pain she is causing you and you beg her to stop, she won't. She has no sympathy, no remose, no regard for your feelings, and intentionally seeks to hurt you emotionally.

It's hard, because when she's happy, she's so sweet and loving. But then, that anger kicks in and she's a monster.

I don't know if she can even fix it. I don't know if she will ever be able to gain control of those emotions enough to stop it. Maybe she doesn't even care to. Maybe she is fine lashing out at a spouse when she is hurt. Maybe she will just move on to someone that can be manipulated and controlled by it. I don't know anymore.

I will never understand how someone can be so hateful and intentionally hurtful to someone they say they love.
I just hope she can (and wants to) change.
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#33

Postby Ascendant78 » Mon Feb 21, 2022 7:06 pm

So, she apparently read this thread recently and messaged me about it last night. She told me she felt it was very one-sided and filled with "half-truths." So, seems like once again, I have done something wrong, even though my whole purpose of starting this was for us to get help. I even asked her before I posted it if she wanted me to change any of the initial post. So now, trying to figure out things I haven't mentioned yet.

One thing she would complain about is how she felt like I would ask her questions about her past in a way where I seemed like I was trying to catch her in a lie. That I'd ask about similar things in a different way later on, then if something didn't add up, I would point it out in a way that made her feel I was trying to catch a lie.

I'll give some examples. Let me know if you think I did these in an underhanded way...

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I know she loved DC and Marvel. However, I once asked her if she thought Henry Cavill (superman) was good looking or hot or something. She immediately told me no, he's ugly.

Several months later, she started using her Facebook again. I scroll back through her FB, looking at old stuff she posted in the past. As I'm doing so, I see a post about how she just watched Man of Steel, and that Henry Cavill got her so hot and bothered she "needed a towel" and how gorgeous he was.

So, shortly after I saw that, I asked her if she EVER thought Henry Cavill was good looking. Again, she immediately says no, he has a crooked nose, etc. So, I didn't say anything, because I wasn't sure how to address it. I nodded, said nothing, and went to walk out the room to think about how to address it without starting a fight.

Well, that wasn't a normal reaction for me. She knew something was up. So then, after a several second pause, she changed it to "well, I didn't find him attractive at first, but then eventually, he grew on me." She then went on about all the reasons she didn't think he was attractive at first, but he "grew on her." Went on and on for at least a minute explaining it in detail, so you can make your own conclusion on why she did that. Meanwhile, the very first time she saw him in that movie is when she wrote the post. So, I point it out, as obviously, she wasn't being entirely honest for some reason.

She said she doesn't ever remember posting that (so in her eyes, she wasn't intentionally lying), and gets angry, claiming I was trying to set her up. Complained that I asked her in an underhanded way. However, in my eyes, I was giving her a fair chance to be honest with me and she wasn't until she knew something was up. But, maybe it was her poor memory. I don't know for sure.

Oh, and she also complained because I was looking at posts on her FB from years ago. She called it "stalking her." She made me feel bad for looking at her past to try and learn more about her. I feel like she felt my sole reason for doing it was to try and catch her in lies. But I mean hell, I even scrolled back on my own FB after that to see the type of stuff I posted over the years. But with her, again my intentions were seen as malevolent and "stalking" her.

Did I approach that Henry Cavill thing wrong? I don't feel I did, but maybe that was underhanded on my end and she was right? Maybe looking years back on her FB was inappropriate? Was I wrong on this one?

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Another one was something she said to an ex. The guy has passed away, but she speaks SO highly of him that it intimidated me some back then. I mean she would say nothing but great things about him, and yet complained about so much with me.

Anyway, her and I have talked about twin flames. She told me months back that the deceased ex was the first one who introduced her to the concept. Now keep in mind, she ONLY told me he introduced her to the concept, and that he told her that HE thought she was her twin flame. She NEVER told me the feeling was reciprocated at that point.

So, again while I was looking at her FB, there was a post years back from when they were dating. To add, she claimed nothing went on between them until after she left her husband. But, I saw TONS of flirting with her, and she never once stopped him. In fact, she would encourage it in her posts. Considering he was blatantly flirting with a married woman, there was a time prior to this conflict where I called him a "piece of sh*t." I know that was way over the line and it was a horrible thing for me to do. It REALLY bothered me that this guy was blatantly flirting with a married woman, on public social media no less. So yes, I didn't think highly of him after that to say the least, and thought I would emphasize to her he wasn't as amazing as she always says he was. But, I know I did it in a really disrespectful, rude, and inconsiderate way. I KNOW I screwed up on that one, and I felt horrible after when I saw how much it hurt her.

But anyway, in one of her posts to him, she referred to him as "twin." So, one day I asked her if she ever thought he was her twin flame, making sure that's what she was referring to in it. She said yes. Keep in mind, when she brought it up previously, she ONLY said he thought she was his, she NEVER said it was reciprocated. Anyway, my immediate remark after was "but you don't think I am" (because I've talked to her about it and she doesn't feel we are). As soon as I made that remark, she told me to get help, that she was sick and tired of my insecurities, and threatened to end the relationship again. I felt it was a VERY legitimate question, as between how highly she speaks of him combined with her feeling something towards him that she doesn't towards me, that was something that made me reconsider the relationship. I didn't want to be second choice.

She later clarified that the reason she doesn't think we are is because she didn't believe in them anymore. The answer could've been as simple as that, but she turned it into a huge argument. She pushed me away the whole weekend, my birthday weekend. Because of that incident Fri, I went out for my birthday dinner alone.

Did I screw up here with the way I addressed the twin flame thing? Did I overstep my bounds? If so, how did I screw up?

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There are other things I do know I did wrong, but I had worked on them and fixed them. Like with me, I don't tend to have any boundaries. If she wanted to go through my phone, I always let her. My computer, my tablet, whatever. She knew the passwords to all of them. I never minded it. In fact, I liked when she took the time to look through them and find out more about me.

Anyway, there were three different occasions where I looked through her phone without her consent. Yes, I know it was wrong. The first two times were truly harmless. She was sleeping, I couldn't sleep, so I figured I'd look at the type of stuff she does on her phone. I wasn't looking for anything, but I will admit, I did have some trust issues then. In hindsight, I realize now it was a combination of me wanting to know more about her, along with trust issues.

Either the first or second time, I did not try to hide it though. She woke up, and I didn't try to hide her phone or anything. I didn't think she would get angry, as I trusted her to such an extent that it had only maybe 15% to do with trust, 85% me trying to learn more about what she does in her free time. Like with me, if someone looks through my browser history, they will DEFINITELY learn more about what I do in my free time, what I'm interested in, etc. I was doing the same with her, but she made it out to be a trust issue. Very little had to do with that, at least the first two times. I thought our trust and openness went to the extent where everything with both of us was completely open like that. Clearly, she did not feel the same.

The third time was much later on. Maybe three months ago or so. At that point, it was probably about 25% trust issue and 75% curiosity. Yes, I did have some trust issues at that point. But, I stopped myself. I was going to look at communication between her ex and her, but I stopped the moment I opened the app. I couldn't do it. I couldn't break her trust again. Of course, she comes into the room right as I'm turning it off. That was an argument as well, as she didn't believe I hadn't looked through it.

I also screwed up about a friend. There is a friend I have known for decades. Her and I slept together once a LONG time ago, long before the girlfriend. When she first asked, I lied and said I never slept with her. I know that I screwed up on that one. Later, I admitted it, but she felt like I slipped. As I was saying it, I knew I told her we hadn't in the past. I hate lies. The ONLY reason I had done it was because of other incidences with other women, and I was genuinely afraid that if I told her that the two of us had sex once, she wouldn't be comfortable with me talking to her. I lied because I was afraid it would become an argument, potentially a breakup, and that I'd have to cut off a close friend I've had for decades now. I know that's no excuse though. I feel horrible that I was so afraid of a breakup that I lied. I know that was my screw up.

Again, I fully acknowledge that was wrong of me to do. But, did I ever abuse her? No. Did I ever intentionally hurt her? There was ONE single time I did, after she was verbally assaulting me for several minutes, saying hateful things to me, and so I said a couple hateful things back. That was the ONE and ONLY time I ever did it. Even with it being retaliatory, I felt absolutely horrible for doing it. I NEVER did it again.

I know there are other things she feels I do wrong. Like it upsets her that I question her love and dedication to me/us. But I mean seriously, she has broken up with me over the last year more times than I can count. Anyone in their right mind would doubt her dedication to the relationship. But, if I state that, she gets angry and starts a fight.

It sucks, because at times we'd go for weeks on end without even a single argument. Dream come true, literally. That's a HUGE reason both me and my psychologist know it's not a personality conflict like she believes. Two people with a personality conflict would almost certainly never be able to make it weeks and weeks on end without conflict.

What are your guys thoughts on what I covered here? Sorry for such a lengthy post. My mind runs a million miles a second, and I'm trying to cover everything to make it fair to her. Hopefully, she will contribute here soon and add her own perspective. I hope she does, that was the whole point of this in the first place - both of us talking to you all and getting feedback/advice.
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#34

Postby tokeless » Mon Feb 21, 2022 7:11 pm

I suspect you enjoy the drama. If you are no longer together then stop analysing the toxic relationship you say you were unhappy in... move on.
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#35

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Feb 21, 2022 7:16 pm

Ascendant78 wrote:What are your guys thoughts on what I covered here?


My thoughts are what in the hell is wrong with YOU? You keep focusing on her. Stop it. Focus on what is screwed up in your own head.

You are the one that for some crazy reason thought it would be a good idea to post your thoughts about all the problems she has in a public forum and intentionally involved her. On what planet is that ever a good idea?

"Hey sweetie, I'm going to post in a public forum all these negative thoughts about you. That won't be a problem, right? Then I'll create another thread about our break up, okay?"

Like tokeless aptly pointed out, you enjoy the drama. You are in here creating more drama. And that is 100% on you. Ridiculous.
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