Low Self Worth and Self Boundaries

Most of my life I had suffered from low self-worth. I struggled through school because I was bullied for being the skinny kid, the kid who struggled with reading and math. The school thought I was slow because it took me a long time to comprehend things, and it was a constant struggle. At age ten I was diagnosed with auditory processing disorder. Which put a lot of my issues in perspective. But the bullying only got worse because now I was getting one on one attention. I was labelled the stupid kid, and I believed it.

When I was 15/16, I met and started dating a man who was in his twenties. At first, he would compliment me, buy me clothes, and makeup. He made me feel good about myself, or I thought. I began to skip class so that I could hang out with him. I lied to my parents, ran away from home. They tried to intervene, called the police on both me and him, but I always went back. I eventually dropped out of high school.

After dating this man for almost a year, he started to drink a lot more, and one time while he was drunk he pushed me into a wall and left bruises on my upper arms. I never told anyone. That was around the same time the name calling began. He soon began to call me stupid, and that I couldn't find any better. That the only thing good about me was my body, and one time he even said he owned me.

When I was eighteen, I moved out of my mother's house and moved in with him. It wasn't long before he convinced me to turn to stripping to earn some money. My self-worth was so low; I honestly believed I couldn't do better. I was too stupid to get a good job, and I needed men, and that I need validation to get by.

Then I met my husband. After a few weeks, I broke up with my ex and moved back home with my parents. I soon quit at the strip club and got a job waitressing. He treated me with respect and treated me like gold.

But I self-sabotaged. Over the last thirteen years, since meeting my husband, I have never sought counselling, or done anything to work on the effects the verbal, mental and physical abuse left on me leading to continue low self-worth and lack of personal boundaries I had for myself.

I have had multiple affairs, one lasting on and off for over half my marriage. I had finally ended it, separated from my husband and got myself into counselling, but not without hurting multiple people. For the first time in all my life I finally realize just how messed up I am. Even with my husband's support, I realize this is something I need to do for myself. I need to be a healthy example for my daughter's.

I just feel so lost.