I am so hopeless...

In my existing situation, I seek to express the need for identification in a sensitive and intimate atmosphere where esthetic or emotional delicacy can be protected and nurtured. My stress is derived from my eagerness to make a good impression, but I'm worried and doubtful about the likelihood of succeeding. I feel that I have a right to anything I might hope for, and I become helpless and distressed when circumstances go against me. I find the mere possibility of failure most upsetting and this can even lead to nervous prostration. I see myself as a 'victim' who has been misled and abused, and I mistake this dramatization for reality and try to convince myself that my failure to achieve standing and recognition is the fault of others. In my restraints, I believe that I am not receiving my share--that I am neither properly understood nor adequately appreciated. I feel that I am being compelled to conform, and close relationships leave me without any sense of emotional involvement. I feel trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seek some way of gaining relief. I feel the situation is hopeless. I strongly resists things which I find disagreeable. I try to shield myself from anything which might irritate me or make me feel more depressed. My actual problem is that disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, emptiness, and an unadmitted self-contempt. My refusal to admit this leads to my adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on my resources. This feeling of powerlessness subjects me to agitation and acute distress. I react by considering that I have been victimized, and I insist--with indignation, resentment, and defiance--on being given my own way.


I have been working toward shaping my life in the image that I desire, but there often seems to be too many things holding me back... I feel sexually and socially repressed. Being a homosexual who has grown-up in a Christian enviroment, I often felt wrong as a child. After much self-denial and worry, I eventually cast aside my Christian origins and decided to start thinking and living for myself. However, this is not enough... I feel as if I am not strong enough to make the most out of my life, and those around me, even those closests to me, are holding me back with their moral judgement. I have encountered so many homophobic people in my life, or people with such high moral standards that I try to avoid them altogether, in fear of being judged. This situation seems hopeless, not only because my sexuality is a factor which cannot be changed, but also because there is no such thing as absolute acceptance, and I am too weak to accept anything less than that. So, as a defense, I have developed an anti-social disorder, and I often keep everything to myself. Because of this, people probably have a worse view of me than if I were openly gay. I am very paranoid and I tend to prosecute anybody who disagrees with me or offers any type of criticism, mainly because I feel the need to never be wrong. Having felt so wrong all my life, I am now so indignative in my opinions, and often try to present empty information as facts. Even if I am loosing an arguement, I will continue to carry on and on until the person I'm argueing with gives up and leaves me alone. I am VERY manipulative of others. Because people are so unpredictable, and because I am so paranoid, I feel that it is nessicary for me to control them so I won't have to deal with any criticism or disagreement on their part. And although I recognize the wrongness of my actions, I continue to do it because my suffering provides me with a motivation that surpasses my moral conscience.


In my current situation, I am so detached from the world that I literally sit in my room all day and work at my computer. The only kind of socialization I can deal with is that on internet message boards. Even then, people often mistake me as being a troll for my prosecuting nature and refusal to admit when I am wrong.



I don't know what to do... I have analyzed my situation inside-out, but I simply cannot find a satisfying solution. There's no way I could open-up long enough to actually talk to a psychiatrist in reality, so I guess this is my last resort.