I'm lost please help

**Posts:** 12 · by **baxso** » Thu May 11, 2017 4:44 pm

Dear reader,

I am quite happy to actually find a place where people still care for one another, show emotion and guide others in-need.

Not quite sure how to begin, I am lost.
I lived a short fruitful life for about 7~9 years, until dad have left us and we started moving from a flat to another.

Lived a life without my father, life taught me to be strong... have really opened up my mind about many things, mostly in life matter and behavior with others.

Used to be very angry person who tends to settle things in anger, time have past by and asked my mother to find a psychologist doctor I can talk to, so she did, have been visiting her since I used to be 11 or so, until I became around 16 or so.

As I grew, the smaller my depression becomes, until I had no need for my meds any more and living my life as normally as it gets. until I became a very patient person, a clam guy who thinks clearly before he acts.

I am more as the gentle man, tend to be tolerant with people, be it close or strangers.
The fact is I started to hate myself due to my "kindness". I know what I am doing is not weakness, but it truly comes from wisdom and strength, to hold your emotions and anger and to treat incidents in a professional calm matter.

I loved a person for a long 3 years, battling her parents to marry her until my dream came true, we married and we started an amazing life together.

Wife didn't turn out the person I was thinking she would be, I loved her due to her maturity and wisdom, a person who wouldn't underrate kindness, appreciate every little given, take care of details about the words coming out.

She goes into very moody personalities, and I am always trying to please her, I know it might sound corny but I love her and she loves me to, she tends to get upset as even as the wrong words I might use, expecting I mean something while I meant smoothing else.

I am simply a person who have no hatred in his heart against people, specially my loved one.
I end up consuming too much energy focusing on my daily work and to also keep her happy and positive.

By this personality, I tend to cover others while I be naked, effecting my work where they just push me on work and no promotions or whatever so, regardless of how many and how big the projects I am working with.

I am a social person, but... I don't tend to attach myself or let many people get attached to me too much.
I have friend but not many, and I like to keep it that way.

My life lost its colors as I age... I used to go on trips, I used to love photography, I used to love playing video games.. doing many others things I used to find really entertaining, all that is I cannot really find and feel that great emotion anymore.

Sometimes.. I end up consuming 2 to 3 hours convincing myself what game to play, even doing so I still don't have that much fun.. not many things really get me into fun that much.

I feel pointless.. going on circles, my wife is one of the main reasons I am losing my stamina and myself, tried to reason with her by various means for as good as 1 year now.. she cries.. she apologizes and same thing happens.

Used to workout almost daily at the gym.. now I barely go one time a month.. I feel like I am always drained out, no energy no momentum to do anything.

I have a strong feeling as if my chest has a big hollow and it keep growing bigger and a bigger, as if there's something big missing but I still can't find what or know why.

Yes, I had many thoughts about ending my life, being kind and gentle made me hate myself, I am too mature to use death as a reason to end my sufferings, I love my family and I enjoy supporting them.

If you are still reading this, thank you, I know its not a straight question that I am asking.. but I am simply lost and have no thoughts, I feel like an empty vessel, despite my stressful work nature, I feel its the only thing I enjoy slightly time to time.

Thinking to divorce my wife, but I love her too much to let her go, and I love her too much that makes my heart in pain too, no idea what to do, no idea what is wrong.

Sincerely,
Baxso

**Posts:** 34 · by **Logie** » Thu May 11, 2017 9:36 pm

I think the best advice I could possible give you is to do what makes you happy, and what will give you less hassle. Whether it is ending your marriage or not. I don't think anyone is in the position to guide you on ending that. It really is up to you.

Besides that I can tell you're a very strong person. To get thoughts of death and not even consider doing it is extremely strong and shows you really do care for your loved ones.

I think one thing you should do is go to the gym more regularly. This will make you feel much better with the exercise.
My ex recently broke up with me due to her depression and it was because of the same thing you're going through (or so I believe) as she felt it was too much for her just now.
After it I felt horrible and honestly the gym is what got me through a lot of my bad days.

Anyway, I can tell from reading this that you're a very strong person. Please stay that way. Not sure if ive been much help but it will get better eventually

**Posts:** 34 · by **Dog** » Fri May 12, 2017 6:27 am

I found an old friend from school and we started going for a few beers every now and then, we join a gym together and encourage each other to go. But we became close and now we share a lot in common and common interests is very helpful when fighting depressing thoughts.
So I suggest finding someone with common interests maybe in a club or on a forum but someone you can see face to face.

Good luck

**Posts:** 12 · by **baxso** » Fri May 12, 2017 9:26 pm

Logie wrote:I think the best advice I could possible give you is to do what makes you happy, and what will give you less hassle. Whether it is ending your marriage or not. I don't think anyone is in the position to guide you on ending that. It really is up to you.

Besides that I can tell you're a very strong person. To get thoughts of death and not even consider doing it is extremely strong and shows you really do care for your loved ones.

I think one thing you should do is go to the gym more regularly. This will make you feel much better with the exercise.
My ex recently broke up with me due to her depression and it was because of the same thing you're going through (or so I believe) as she felt it was too much for her just now.
After it I felt horrible and honestly the gym is what got me through a lot of my bad days.

Anyway, I can tell from reading this that you're a very strong person. Please stay that way. Not sure if ive been much help but it will get better eventually

Dear Logie,

Thank you for taking the time to read and get back to me about this, I appreciate your kind words, I am happy to know there's still good people out there.

I read your comment along with the other comments here, I woke up the next day and went out with a close friend of mine.

Logie wrote: do what makes you happy, and what will give you less hassle. Whether it is ending your marriage or not. I don't think anyone is in the position to guide you on ending that. It really is up to you.

I feel better, after reading this, it gave me thoughts of freedom, a barrier I might have placed mentally and was not able to remove, knowing that it is my life after all.. and yes I can do what makes me happy, thank you.

Your kind words have placed a warm feeling over my heart, thank you so much. I will keep this in my mind and will follow to do the things which makes me happy.

Sincerely,
Baxso

**Posts:** 12 · by **baxso** » Fri May 12, 2017 9:30 pm

Dog wrote:I found an old friend from school and we started going for a few beers every now and then, we join a gym together and encourage each other to go. But we became close and now we share a lot in common and common interests is very helpful when fighting depressing thoughts.
So I suggest finding someone with common interests maybe in a club or on a forum but someone you can see face to face.

Good luck

Dear Dog,

Thank you for taking the time to read through my problem.
I have read what you wrote before I go to bed, and I could not reply at the time was too sleepy, wanted to write you a proper reply, after reading your comment, I went out with a close friend of mine, went to have some late lunch, had some coffee and sweets then been to the movies.. quite a day I tell you, had fun I feel happy to be honest.

I appreciate your advice, I will hit the gym more frequently and will try to have my friend join me up, I will try to focus on things that makes me happy I guess.

Your words means allot, thank you.

Sincerely,
Baxso

**Posts:** 22 · by **hopefulcheese** » Wed May 31, 2017 12:28 am

I feel like I'm not in the position to say anything here since I'm not married, but...

You mentioned positive things about your wife, did those change? I have a sibling who's married and he always tells me look into the positive things the other person brings into the relationship and let go of expectations because nobody's perfect.

I know I mentioned that I'm not married, but it may be worth mentioning -- There are things my bf says that get me upset when we're talking, mostly because of jealousy though I try to hide it a lot of times (we are in a long distance relationship). He is quick to pick up these cues and talks to me about them to understand why I am acting strange (or getting upset) and to understand where he's coming from (and understand how he is as a person so I can trust him). Of course I'm not suggesting jealousy is the problem.. what I am trying to say is, maybe you should talk to your wife about this and tell her how you feel not just to please her, but to address the underlying issue.

If timing is not right, maybe you should ask her to do fun things with you. I know you said you don't have the stamina , but honestly, you are the only one who can muster up the energy and force yourself to do this. You said you like photography, maybe hike somewhere with her and take pictures? (I love photography myself and exploring places always lifts my spirits up).

Another thing I want to add is, my bf is depressed and him being so withdrawn is causing me to be depressed myself... but I cannot blame him for that. In fact, I need to take care of myself so I can be there for him whenever he comes around. I don't know if this is worth anything.. like I said I'm not married, but it must be tough. Hope you try everything before you resort to divorce. I know I will be devastated if my bf had all these thoughts in his head, doesn't talk to me about it and just decides to break up with me.

**Posts:** 12 · by **baxso** » Sun Jun 04, 2017 8:42 am

Dear hopefulcheese,

I truly respect and agree with your points, I do tend to sit down with her time to time whenever I find it necessary, that is to clean all that anger in a clam and responsible discussion, highlighting how I feel when she does this or say that, what was the proper approach and ways to handle such situations, and other related clarifying to be said through the meeting.

It works, yes I do agree.. but I still have to monitor and keep reminding her, she's like a small kid, she just lose it once she gets little angry, too quickly emotional if you ask me.. still manage to simply ignore her acts and words during her phase, knowing if I took everything seriously there.. it would not go good for her and myself as well.

I am a man of wisdom after all.. she tends to call me "old man" though I'm in my mid 20's, she loves allot! like crazy.. but she simply have no control over her emotions.

I humbly thank you for the kind words and advice, I will double note about those points, since it is coming from a woman knowing how women think and act, much appreciated.

Wish you all the best dear

**Posts:** 12 · by **baxso** » Sun Jun 04, 2017 8:47 am

Logie wrote:I think the best advice I could possible give you is to do what makes you happy, and what will give you less hassle. Whether it is ending your marriage or not. I don't think anyone is in the position to guide you on ending that. It really is up to you.

Hey, just to say, I quit my job which I have worked for several years and about to join a new job, my old job was putting me into too much stress and I know it really took a part of myself just to bare with everything.

I feel like I'm truly free again.. so happy and stress-less, I have many options now, I am going to settle for a job with less stress do not matter much about income, since being happy is more precious than money.

My family stands with my decision knowing how much I've but on to keep working like that, many good people heard the news and they are aiding me to get a new job. I am so grateful.

I'm lost please help

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