Struggling relationship

I know there a ton of these relationship threads and I’ve tried to find one exactly like mine so I didn’t have to post a thread but I just need to vent because I have no release anymore.

I have been with this lady for about 4 years now and I feel like we are a perfect match when we are both happy the problem of course is that we are hardly ever happy anymore. She insists that she loves me but I just don’t feel like she does anymore. The obvious answer is to break up with her but I want to work through this with her if at all possible I truly do love her.

We’ll go by instances I guess. First instance was I was away for training at my job I would be away for training for two weeks but each week of training was seperated by two weeks of non training work so we had a little break in training. I had told her about the training. Keep in mind we have similar schedules but I work two jobs so we get every other weekend off if it lines up right. The first week she missed me but everything was okay. The two weeks I came back for, my schedule didn’t line up properly so I had opposite weekends off.

First week off passes and shes off while I work and the second week comes and I’m off and she works.. So to make the best out of a bad situation, the weekend that she was working I asked my brother to come in for the weekend. On top of that, I just reminded her that Monday I had to go back to training and I was dreading it and we ended up getting into an argument over this because I didn’t remind her of the training she got frustrated and said you were just going to go back to training and not tell me but I had told her about both weeks of training and it made her even more mad that I asked my brother to come in on the weekend I’m leaving for training. When she gets mad at me she just says mhm when I say i love her and acts cold to me.. She insisted that I did this on purpose to avoid time with her and she goes on to tell me how she doesn’t care and our relationship doesn’t matter. It really hurts my feelings..

Fast forward to training week, I call her everyday around 7 but I decided one day I was going to call her around 9 instead because we usually don’t talk on the phone over 30 mins and I go to sleep around 9:30. Well 8 comes around and she sends me a message saying, so you’re just not going to talk to me at all? I told her I just planned on calling her a little later. Well she didn’t believe that and she kept saying she is mad at me.. well this went on until the day I got back from training and I went to see her. She wouldn’t talk to me much all she would say is I’m mad at you. I just tried to love on her and apologize but things only got worse. I try to get her to talk to me because if I don’t she just holds it in and explodes later so to avoid big fights I try to get her to talk through the small fights well.. it ended up being one of the biggest fights we’ve ever had.

It started out with I don’t want to talk about this but I insisted even though she said this then she went on to say you changed your pattern you know I hate it when you change patterns. I apologized and she said I don’t care you probably did it because you were out with someone. That aggravated me and I said why do you always accuse me of cheating and she said it’s the only way I can get a reaction out of you. I said you know I’m not cheating and she said she does.. well I can’t remember the whole fight but it got much worse and I remember something about telling her she likes making me feel controlled and she broke down crying saying she has never felt as bad or as crazy as she has with me. At this point we both had a really long emotional talk and somehow got through it..

Well last night we were watching a tv show together and she was comfortable on my lap a couple of times and I had to get up and do a few things and started worrying she was mad at me... because I made her move when she was comfortable... (yes we have fought about things this silly before) she insisted she was not mad but the way she shows that she is mad is very unclear she won’t say she’s mad when she is she’ll say no I’m fine and treat me differently until I figure what she is upset about or keep asking her until she finally tells me.. well this was one of the few times that she wasn’t actually mad at me and wanted me to believe her but I asked her so much that she got mad at me. She said I want to push it so much that I want someone to be mean to me.. and I said no no I’m just sensitive and it’s hard for me to believe you aren’t mad when you say it because you typically are mad and just won’t tell me. Well I tried loving on her and she said what are you even doing?? And I said just loving on you.. at this point she started making no sense and started getting really aggressive saying she didn’t want to fight and I just told her I was sensitive since our last fight.. it felt like anything I said to her made her feel like we were going to fight. Then she said she didn’t want to talk but I told her I wasn’t doing anything I’m just sensitive and that just made her more angry...

Well we continued to talk and she said the words I don’t care and I’m tired and they were directed at our relationship... and I said why do you say I don’t care so much.. she said to shut you up. And I told her that it makes me care more because I want you to be happy with me and I said what do you think would help more than saying I don’t care? She said not coming home... I gave up on the conversation and she said good and went to sleep. I walked through the house and she just left me there...

I feel so unwanted and not needed so easily disposable and I mess up all the time.. I don’t know what I’m doing so wrong I just need some advice...