MIL driving me insane

**Posts:** 3 · by **vgysmith** » Wed Oct 14, 2015 4:30 pm

Recently my husband and I found out that my MIL was basically living in squalor. She had hurt her back, and on a visit we found out she had no working toilet or shower. Her toilet fell through the floor. She was using trash bags to dispose of her toilet waste (a bio-hazard!). Not to mention her house has always been a mess, we are talking hoarder mess here.

Try as we might, we could not get her to get out of her house until last night. My birthday btw. She has been with us 24 hours now, and my life is a nightmare. First of all, when my son went to go her stuff and settle her into our home, she wanted to take a bath. My son suggested she take a shower. Well, due to her back issues, she said she couldn't stand in the shower that long. So, he suggested that he would go get a shower chair for her. She wouldn't hear to it. She said she would just sit on the side of tub and bathe off. Somehow, just sitting on the side of the tub, turned into a full bath! Of course she couldn't get herself out of the tub. My husband and I were at work, so my son was the only one there to help her out, and she's not a small woman at all! It took him 30mins to get her out of the tub. Needless to say, we have a shower chair now.

I got home and she proceeded to tell me this story, which I had already heard from my son. I told her that he should have just gone to get the chair, seeing as he could dive and she was the one that needed help. She refused dinner, but told us (my son and me, hubby was still at work) that we would have to help her get on the FLOOR to help her do her PT. Now this is a woman with bad knees and a bad back, that couldn't even lift herself out of the tub. How does she expect to get on the floor to do PT? I told her we would wait until husband came home, and he would help her. He was not pleased that I told her that. He wanted me to help, and I said she does not need to be on the floor period! She could do PT on a bed if needed.

MIL finally went to sleep around 9ish last night, finally some peace and quiet! I was able to watch TV all while she slept in my recliner. Which is where she plans to sleep! Husband says this will only be for 3-4 days, just until he gets her bathroom fixed. Well, her toilet fell through the floor. I fear this will become a permanent solution instead of a short term solution. This woman has always been controlling, and I don't want her to think she is the woman of the house in my own home.

**Posts:** 224 · by **Danacovert82** » Wed Oct 14, 2015 7:26 pm

You should tell her that. Just say that since you're going to be living here for a while, you're not going to tell us what to do. You're not the woman of the house. Maybe, just maybe she will listen.

**Posts:** 1152 · by **Leo Volont** » Thu Oct 15, 2015 12:47 pm

vgysmith wrote:Recently my husband and I found out that my MIL was basically living in squalor. She had hurt her back, and on a visit we found out she had no working toilet or shower. Her toilet fell through the floor. She was using trash bags to dispose of her toilet waste (a bio-hazard!). Not to mention her house has always been a mess, we are talking hoarder mess here.

Try as we might, we could not get her to get out of her house until last night. My birthday btw. She has been with us 24 hours now, and my life is a nightmare. First of all, when my son went to go her stuff and settle her into our home, she wanted to take a bath. My son suggested she take a shower. Well, due to her back issues, she said she couldn't stand in the shower that long. So, he suggested that he would go get a shower chair for her. She wouldn't hear to it. She said she would just sit on the side of tub and bathe off. Somehow, just sitting on the side of the tub, turned into a full bath! Of course she couldn't get herself out of the tub. My husband and I were at work, so my son was the only one there to help her out, and she's not a small woman at all! It took him 30mins to get her out of the tub. Needless to say, we have a shower chair now.

I got home and she proceeded to tell me this story, which I had already heard from my son. I told her that he should have just gone to get the chair, seeing as he could dive and she was the one that needed help. She refused dinner, but told us (my son and me, hubby was still at work) that we would have to help her get on the FLOOR to help her do her PT. Now this is a woman with bad knees and a bad back, that couldn't even lift herself out of the tub. How does she expect to get on the floor to do PT? I told her we would wait until husband came home, and he would help her. He was not pleased that I told her that. He wanted me to help, and I said she does not need to be on the floor period! She could do PT on a bed if needed.

MIL finally went to sleep around 9ish last night, finally some peace and quiet! I was able to watch TV all while she slept in my recliner. Which is where she plans to sleep! Husband says this will only be for 3-4 days, just until he gets her bathroom fixed. Well, her toilet fell through the floor. I fear this will become a permanent solution instead of a short term solution. This woman has always been controlling, and I don't want her to think she is the woman of the house in my own home.

Dear Viggy… that is you name, isn’t it?

I’ve been Here before and I will not hold it against you in the least if you ignore my advise, but unless you are Well Off enough to live in Very Large House with Separate Wings and a Staff of Servants… an Nurses… well, your Household Simply is not Setup for Invalid Care. If you had a Mansion with Servants and Nurses, then of course you could accommodate your Mother In Law… just give her the Keys to the East Wing and tell her to Pull the Rope once for the Maid, and twice for the Nurse.

But apparently you were just struggling by as you were. Your Mother In Law is taking up Space and Services that didn’t really Exist before she showed up. Everything she Now Requires forces you to cut back on what you were doing for your own Bare Survival, no?

Anyway, The Lady needs a New Place, or needs sent to a Home.

You Should make it a Divorce Issue. Yes, you Love your Husband, but NOT THAT MUCH. His Mother In Law splashing on the floor naked in front of the children who have to take away from their Home Work Time to deal with her like some Beached Whale… well, that IS too much. You Never Signed Up for that.
It’s a Big Marital Deal Breaker.

Now, putting the Old Lady in a Home… that would be expensive too.

Maybe it is time to Just Walk Away.

The Marriage was good while it lasted.

But, Don’t be Angry. Just be Matter of Fact about it all. You simply consider Your Own Life to be a bit of a priority. If your Husband is not a Good Enough provider to supply a Large Mansion and a staff of Servants and Nurses, well, that is not YOUR Problem, is it?

So, look at what you Think your Future is… and decide whether or not to simply walk away. You have a choice.

**Posts:** 3 · by **vgysmith** » Thu Oct 15, 2015 6:52 pm

Yes, I agree this is a deal breaker. Today, since my husband is off work, she asked him to make a baked ham for dinner to make sandwiches with. Never mind that I plan out meals out for the week. I texted hubby that since it was for sandwiches, just buy deli meat. To my surprise he agreed with me. I hope this shows her that this is not her house, and she cannot control everything. I mean who is she to decide what we eat for dinner. She's a guest in the house.
You are right Leo, we live in a modest 3 bedroom 2 bath house. Just big enough for 4 people. No MIL suite that she can go to. So, this cannot be a permanent situation. Hubby will either have to agree that she needs to be put in a home (if her house cannot be repaired, and insurance says they are not gonna cover the repair since it was obvious neglect on her part) or I will be moving out myself.

**Posts:** 224 · by **Danacovert82** » Fri Oct 16, 2015 12:53 am

She's not going to move out. Give your husband an ultimatum. Just tell him how you feel about it. If he pleads with you and says he'll put MIL in a home, good. She's not the boss, and never will be.

**Posts:** 3 · by **vgysmith** » Fri Oct 16, 2015 6:11 pm

I think what is bothering me the most is there is no definite timeline. She's only been with us since Tuesday, Oct. 13th, and I dread going home and can't relax. I have a hard time relaxing as it is with my anxiety, so this has really put a ton of stress on me.
Crazy thing is, she lived without a working bathroom for 3 weeks, and acted like she couldn't make the repairs. Last night she offered my husband $900 to get his radiator repaired and a new washer. Said she had $3,000 in her checking right now. He was floored. He didn't accept her offer and told her she needed to get her bathroom fixed first.
You're right, she seems to have settled in quickly in my house. I don't think she has any immediate plans to move. If I was her I would want my own place. She is crazy! Just plain crazy!

**Posts:** 1152 · by **Leo Volont** » Fri Oct 23, 2015 1:40 pm

vgysmith wrote:Yes, I agree this is a deal breaker. Today, since my husband is off work, she asked him to make a baked ham for dinner to make sandwiches with. Never mind that I plan out meals out for the week. I texted hubby that since it was for sandwiches, just buy deli meat. To my surprise he agreed with me. I hope this shows her that this is not her house, and she cannot control everything. I mean who is she to decide what we eat for dinner. She's a guest in the house.
You are right Leo, we live in a modest 3 bedroom 2 bath house. Just big enough for 4 people. No MIL suite that she can go to. So, this cannot be a permanent situation. Hubby will either have to agree that she needs to be put in a home (if her house cannot be repaired, and insurance says they are not gonna cover the repair since it was obvious neglect on her part) or I will be moving out myself.

Good, Viggie!

When you married that Momma's Boy, you never vowed to cherish and obey his Mother. YOU are the Lady of the House.

The Way Marriage has Always Worked is that the Man Brings in the Income. the Lady has Charge of the House and the Social Invitation List. All of That is Understood! On your Part, you can't complain to your Husband about how he makes money... unless he invites a few suggestions.... but he needs to leave the House, Servant and Guess issues up to you.

Maybe if your Mother In Law knew that this above mention Rule was in Force, and that she Could Not 'end run' around you to her Momma's Boy Son... if he could be trained to simply tell her to refer all such Requests to You, as that is Your Domain... well, maybe she would get the point... or rebel enough to show everyone that she was ready for the Care of an 'Old Folks Home'. and I hear they Don't take ANY crap off of anybody. The Menu is the Menu, the Schedule is the
Schedule, the TV channel is set to where it is always set at, and Lights Out are always at Lights Out.

I am Sure you are giving Her much more Slack then That, and she should appreciate it.

Yes, if you can't bring little momma's boy and his Mother on board, then give them an ultimatum... give them time to think about it... but then leave unless everyone signs on to the idea that the HOUSE and All that concerns the HOUSE is in your domain... and you simply will not stand for any interference.... not from a Guest.. and Not Even from Your Husband. You don't tell him how to do His Job, so he should not interfere with how you Do Yours!

MIL driving me insane

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