Winzu wrote:Month 9
Through this journey, some months went by super quickly, some did not unfortunately. This was one of these months. I hoped that month 8 would be the end, it seems to be the first turning point for people. The next point I lay my hopes on would be a full year in recovery.
It is hard to differentiate between real symptoms and my increasingly resentful attitude towards PAWS. The summer is reaching and I just want to be my strong, social and healthy self again. I hate to feel weak. The pressure of full recovery is getting unbearable . My patience becomes nonexistent, which is unfortunate considering it is the key to handling this pain and suffer.
In the beginning months I was in a pit so deep I could not see any light from above. I thought my whole personality was gone, forever. I was so empty as if my soul left while my body was still partially alive. This ‘PAWS’ journey is disgustingly evil and ferocious.
However, I now know this is not permanent. My symptoms have reduced significantly and some have even left. I used to be unable to connect with anyone, even my family. I was barely able to create a sentence. I had such extreme brain fog that it was impossible to decompose any message. I rolled in my bed all day out of restlessness while reading stories here on uncommon forum. Everything was extremely boring, every show, movie, game, book or social activity was tedious. Its that feeling you have the day after an MDMA trip, where everything is simply unpleasant.
This is all gone now! I am not restless anymore, I am able to socialize and feel connected. My writing and speech have improved again. My thinking is more clear, linear and deep.
The problem transitioned from personal to interpersonal now. My biggest frustrations still happen during social activities when I feel unheard, irritated or dead tired. I am scared to meet other people besides my close friends. Because those are the moments when PAWS hits me the most, when my thinking becomes foggier, I become tense, tired and act inappropriate. I then feel ashamed, weak and helpless.
To conclude my long rant. I still struggle with anhedonia, physical issues (joints cracking, muscle aches, slow muscle recovery), low motivation, minimal depression/anxiety, a high sensitivity to stress and a little insomnia. This changes from day to day. I am doing the best I can, lets hope 1 year will be enough!
It's been a while since I came on here. It looks like you're making good progress. I'm kind of where you are at too. I have PAWS symptoms here and there, but I'm mostly free of them. The only problem is low amounts of stress can trigger them quite easily. It looks to me like you're experiencing the same thing when you socialize, something small (and negative) can trigger your PAWS. It's part of recovery for us.
I remember I had the mindset of constantly looking forward to a specific "milestone", a sort of cutoff where I thought my PAWS would disappear. It was month 9 for me when I thought things would suddenly become normal again (from reading stories on here) Of course, they didn't. I certainly improved a lot at month 9, but my PAWS were by no means gone. I'm a few days past my 10 month mark and I still have some symptoms. Definitely starting to feel a lot more normal, but still plenty of hints of symptoms here and there. I think it's good for you to be excited for your 1 year mark, not because PAWS will disappear, but because you have pushed through for a year, which means you're going to be fine
Remember it can take up to 2-3 years for you to be PAWS free (even if you only used for a year.) Everyone is different. Don't be harsh on yourself for not becoming "ok" by a certain timestamp.