kanwal wrote:I've done many bad things in my teenage years/early adulthood. Today I am almost 23 and deeply regret all of them and don't act the same way anymore but that doesn't matter to me. I still hate myself and start thinking about suicide from the moment I wake up.
The particular memory that has been making me want to kill myself lately is related to a dog I had when I was 16/17 years old. She was like 4 years old and really big and strong. Up to that point I had always treated her right but when then she started to misbehave. Namely she wouldn't stop barking no matter what. Frustration and anger would build up and I didn't know what else to do so I began to physically punish her. Most of the time I'd throw water/shoes at her but sometimes I would also kick and punch her. One time I remember completely flipping out and punching her in the ear 5 or 6 times, that was the furthest I went. These never helped and she didn't seem to grow afraid of me. I must say that at that age I started to have other interests and looking back I didn't give her enough attention. I also couldn't take her for walks because she was too strong and would go crazy when she saw another dog.
Hi Kanwal,
I'm glad you are back. Yes, I've written you before in this subject, and perhaps had taken the wrong tact. Now, I think it is best that agree with you, that, yes, you treated that dog very poorly and should be ashamed of yourself.
and you ARE in fact ashamed of yourself. that is a VERY GOOD thing. Very Good things are done by Very Good people, and Very Good people really should not contemplate suicide for feeling ashamed of what really nasty people wouldn't give a second thought to. Indeed, at work there is the nervous and insecure individual who used to brag about killing a dog just because it ran along side his bicycle and barked at him. that guy is really screwed up, but suicide is the farthest thing from his mind. It would simply be Unjust if you committed suicide while that guy still drinks beer on Friday nights.
But THAT doesn't make you feel any better, does it?
But I know what will.
Penance and Atonement. you need to Volunteer at a Pet Shelter and help with the dogs. I once had a Mixed Record with Cats, and so I decided to work with Cats -- in Shelters, Kennels, Animal Hospitals... any place that would take me. I actually became something of a renowned amateur Feline Expert. I even ran several Feral Cat Feeding Stations and conducted Catch Neuter or Spay and Release Protocols (the local Animal Hospitals subsidized the cost of the operations, thank God). Now I have five cats in my home. You see, whatever mischief I committed against cats in my youth, well, I can honestly say that I worked all of that off. In the end, it all served for the Greater Good, no?
also, other Posts have got this on my mind, but you should read a college level book on "childhood development". the gist of it would be that young people.... pre-adults... are virtually insane just by the fact that their brains have not grown to capacity yet, and that they bombarded by frightening levels of very potent hormones pumping through their blood. So, if you did indeed act crazy and violent when you were that age, well, thank God you lived through it and the damage wasn't worse. But DON'T blame yourself. it was Childhood Development.
I got to thinking, WHY have human being been designed by Evolution to reach Sexual Maturity years before their brains would attain their full capacity? Well, maybe, this precocious growth is a new factor on the scene... with all the growth hormones in the milk we drink and the meat we eat, both boys and girls reach sexual maturity YEARS before they used to. But the Brain still lags behind the B..... Also, Evolution might have been looking for ways of 'Thinning the Herd'. A noticeable Faculty that stays undeveloped in Young Adults is Risk Aversion. Young Adults don't seem to recognize the danger in many of the impulsive things they do. Well, maybe Evolution thought that the particularly mal-adapted Individuals would be more likely to get themselves killed, and , really, who needs them anyway. Girls will go on having babies whether there are many fathers or a few really lucky guys. And if my observations on life ring the least bit true, well, when it comes to making babies, I think the girls prefer the 'few lucky guys to the rest of the herd that just seem safer and more available. If they need a Caretaker, they go to one sort of man, but when they want to actually make that Baby, they gravitate toward the other. Again, sometimes the Hardwiring of Evolution does not fit in with the Civilized Constructs we have set up -- Marriage, Home and Family, and all that other stuff that never existed as Homo Sapiens developed into being Human Beings.
anyway, please let me know if my advice was closer to the mark this time.
