How do you deal with parentification? How do you recover from exhaustion of being overly responsible for parental duty in a young age?
Hi. I grew up with a single mom. My dad is an elder foreigner. They met in the 90s when my mom was at her most vulnerable place. She grew up very harshly. Bullied by my grandma. Forced marriage, forced abortion and public humiliation as a child. Now, she’s broken. No goals, money, motivation, or any direction in life. That became problems.
She had me when they were not ready. My dad got defrauded and bankrupt. My mom married him because of money, didn’t know what was going on. So, it made us poor growing up. Poverty put a lot of stress on a child. Hunger, survival, powerlessness, and being bullied. On top of that I’m gay. My mom was forced by my dad to not work and became a housewife. I tried to work with minimum wage of $1.3 an hour. (I live in a developing country). I’ve become a very ambitious person. With all those setbacks, I got into top school, top university, and many roles in academia. (I used to ask my mom for doing hobbies but she never approved. Not approved to have friends or relationship either. Just blindly study. Mainly due to money shortage). This scenario put so much pressure on me that I constantly having mental breakdown. Screaming, crying, being extremely agitated and violent. Almost didn’t graduate from high school.
But then, I got into the university after a gap year of healing mental issue. We thought we were going to lift our lives up from dirt and sorrow. I found out that my dad never registered me as a child. And I was born out of wedlock. I lost my dad’s nationality, inheritance, and paternity status. Although, when I was younger I asked him and my mom to review legal understanding of this matter. They ignored my advice. Only way I can get them back is by naturalizing and immigration. I was forced to study even harder to get good grades, learn language in one year, test preps, recommendations, scholarship application, and extracurricular. All to transfer university. I didn’t sleep. I was bullied a long that time too. Money stress as well. Then, I snapped. I fell back to psychiatric hospital. Pausing my studies and eventually dropped out just before Covid began.
Now, I’m home feeling suicidal before sleep and throughout the day. Feeling angry of the lack of support from my family. Getting so close to the door out of hell. But never survive. People might think why wouldn’t I leave my family? In my culture, I would get shunned by society and relatives if leaving the “poor” and “loving” parents that raised you. Basically, getting canceled from social, economic activities. People or even my therapist say I’m ungrateful. My psychiatrist always gaslight me saying I should be grateful and compassionate to my mom. Are you serious? After all of this? (But I get it. My mom made me lie to my therapist about the situation at home). It’s so weird that my culture seems to value parentification in children but then get surprised that they’re all depressed, suicidal, and hate their families.
I think I’ve done enough to save my family. While they were sleeping, spending spree, traveling, and neglecting my life as a minor. (No legal power to do anything on my own such as, registering birth, naturalization, and working legally.) It made me hate my own culture since childhood. Wanting to leave this world or this country. That’s why I studied hard. To get me out of here. But now my parent’s trap really did derail my success. I have nothing to pursue anymore. I lost all my endurance, mental power, will to live, and interest due to a long and continuous stress of at least 15 years.
I’m here to ask how can I get them all back? Not the nationality, degree, or money. But how can I force myself to want to work again? How can I force myself to want to socialize? How can I want to study again? How can I make myself want to do business? How can I start a relationship? How can I operate as an adult properly and happily? How can I not get overwhelmed by all these things? I’ve been teaching my mom how to save money, invest, selling real estate, negotiating with my dad and grandma, and how to deal with her childhood traumas since before high school. But I seem to drown underneath these tsunami of duties.
Please guys have mercy on me. If you can answer just one of these questions or having any advice please share. I’m lost. I still have little hope to not die. Thanks.