Hi to all.
I am new to this forum, and in a problematic relationship for about three months now.
I am a divorced 43yr old man/father of two, having been through all stages of a relationship. My current girlfriend heartily accepted my situation and through our first discussions she opened up a bit about her personal family problems and some of her psychological issues and some autoimmune (controlled kind of) health problems, as well as bad past relationships. She’s a casual pothead as well.
Sharing these with me, brought the ‘healer’ out of me. I simply fell in love with her, and showed her (at least I tried) the good aspects of life. I showed her with my affection that not all men are bad, I try to prove her that she’s a remarkable personality that deserves to be loved, and most of the times she ‘d stare at me, “wondering”, how could she actually be such(?) Unfortunately It seems that her past made her enclose in her emotional safety shell being unable to show or develop her good feelings about me.
The thing is, I refuse to be described as ‘needy’. We humans have emotional needs. We seek attention, approval, acceptance and love, and it’s our right. The more I showed her affection, the more she would pull back. In her own words: “I can’t process or put in order all these feelings that I’m actually feeling about you. It’s too much information”. Still.. I have needs too. I need ‘something’ in return. Am I needy about it? One day I told her: ‘I missed you today / was thinking about you’ in a sweet way… and she acted like she didn’t know how to respond, how to process it.
After a three day period of constant crying alone (yes, we men cry too) thinking all these, I decided to pull back and take steps back emotionally (self-protection), communicate less, less texting, less meeting, and it works (for her). But for me as person who am not afraid to be emotionally exposed, it’s like hell. I’m falling deeply for her, and if you rightfully say ‘go your own way, dumb her’ I’d find it impossible!! Though.. I feel this relationship is like a car on it’s way, where currently “I took away my feet from the pedals”.. slowing, and slowing, until inevitably stopping (feeling things for her in the near future) , and I don’t want this to happen.
I proposed her to seek therapy (I am, and I love the trip of exploring myself), and she is “thinking about it” but I know she won’t do it for now. My therapist said that my girlfriend probably feels ‘threat’ by my good feelings for her due to her traumatic past events/childhood. Yep, she definitely needs help but she projects that ‘independent’ type of hard-working devoted to her work, living alone, woman, who needs help by none.
Now…Should I be instead with a person who’s not afraid to mutually show our feelings? Or stay..and fight it with my girlfriend? The more I stay.. the more I’ll feel for her, damn me I already love her (she has sensed it, and doesn’t feel good about it) and eventually I’ll hurt more in time, since there’s no mutual expression of feelings. I’m so confused, and sometimes I feel so immature about all this.
Some advice/opinions please?