Why do I yell at my wife?

Are these serious arguments, or do you flare up at petty stuff?

Honestly, when I think about why these incidents have happened I have a hard time remembering what started it. That being said, I know that its usually small/petty stuff, which is the case in the most recent occurrence. From some of the reading that I've done here it sounds as though, when this happens, its a quick rush of adrenaline for which I am missing the warning sign(s).

jcm5150 wrote:its usually small/petty stuff

This suggests you have an undercurrent of irritation that comes from years of letting people around you get away with bad behaviour. You can improve your outlook considerably by being assertive, which will also boost your self-esteem and start chipping away at that backlog of repressed anger. viewtopic.php?t=95881&p=878901#p878901 for a how-to on assertiveness, what it is and what it isn't.

Thank you for your reply Candid. I feel that the information in the link you shared will be quite useful but I am struggling to see how it might help me to detect and prevent the occasional occurrences of yelling. Most of our disagreements are handled peacefully and effectively but from time to time, I lash out and start yelling and I don't understand how to see it coming and prevent it. Thanks again for your input, I appreciate anyone that takes the time to offer assistance to a complete stranger.

jcm5150 wrote:I am struggling to see how it might help me to detect and prevent the occasional occurrences of yelling.

Try it and see how it works. You and your wife are talking, you sense you're at odds or about to be, so you ask yourself What am I feeling right now?

The formula is: "When you say/do that, I feel this."

It's a relationship shot-in-the-arm, this kind of honesty, and it leads to conversations that make both parties feel good.

jcm5150 wrote:I hope someone can help me understand this so that I can figure out how to stop it. I work very hard to keep this from happening, and to my credit it does happen far less now. But every once in a while, we will have an argument and I will start yelling, sometimes even slamming doors. I know that this isn't an effective way to handle the situation but in that moment(s) its almost as if I am not aware that I am doing that. I don't want to do it, I want it to stop. Can someone please share some advice?

Thank you in advance,

Jeff

Dear JCM,

Its the Adrenaline. The Process of Arguing ramps up an Adrenaline Rush and then the Adrenaline Takes Over. Adrenaline is great for reinforcing Trained Behavior in Battle or in Sports, but when you have an Adrenaline Rush in a Domestic Situation, well, it can impair Judgment Worse than Alcohol.

To get a Handle on Adrenaline you must catch it early, just as the Adrenaline Rush just begins. You haven't a second to lose, because most people report that they "Instantaneously" Blow Up or Go Berserk. Well, it ISN'T Instantaneous, but I suppose you have less than a few seconds to Turn Off an Adrenaline Rush. The Trick is to catch the First Sign and that is a Clenching of the Teeth, a Tightening of the Jaw Muscles. One person I spoke to says that He or She CAN'T GET ANGRY with an Open Mouth. You must Grit Your Teeth to Get Good and Mad. SO, the Very Exact Moment you find you Setting Your Teeth, RELAX... open the mouth, or separate the teeth, and take a deep breath. Then Get Rational and Realize you Just Dodged a Bullet and tell your Wife that the both of you just need to take a break, think about it, and talk about some other time. Don't Obsess! To Obsess on the Point means that you are operating on whatever Adrenaline had managed to get through. It is Not Enough to Control you, but like "one drink" it can work against your better judgment. Adrenaline wants you to Keep Fighting -- Adrenaline always thinks its a Life or Death Struggle. But most Domestic Squabbles can wait a day or two.

Thank you Leo!

jcm5150 wrote:Thank you Leo!

Oh, JCM, I got a New Anger Management Book : "Healing the Angry Brain" by Ronald Potter-Efron. That THING is a Master Piece! All sorts of Stuff about the Brain and it Chemistry. Yes, it All relates to Anger, but it brings to Mind so much else at the same time.

.... And it seems that my Theory On Adrenaline was pretty Spot On! Potter-Efron states that often times Anger will be moving at the Unconscious Level for about 3 seconds before any 'angry thought' will arise to Consciousness, but that he verified my assumption that TEETH CLAMPING is one of the most Typical Early Giveaways that they Body is Prepping for Anger.

but there is So Much More. The Brain is Complex and there a A Lot of Interactions between the Various Parts, and we can learn ways to manipulate all of that. but it take Time, Attention, and a Lot of Practice.

I can say that I understand your frustration. I do the same, as in: We fight over dumb things, which turn ugly for no good reason."

I HATE to argue with my wife. It kills me to see her hurt, however, 2 people have different ways of arguing. I know, from past relationships that each person has a "way" they argue and it can be easily escalated without realizing it. For example: My wife would rather shut down than continue confrontation. When she does this, I notice it brings my anxiety and anger UP since I am not understanding. I'd rather fight, and get the real arguments on the table, talk through them, and then move on. But if you arent willing to talk (or argue) then why are we doing this at all? It's a lose-lose.

I find myself yelling at her in horrible ways just to get a reaction, like I need her to re-engage with me, at least to get this over with, and by doing so, it makes it all worse every time. I'm starting to work on it, but it isn't easy, it's just 2 peoples personalities conflicting, it's not about right or wrong. You have to learn and watch for those queues or signs and be able to catch them and know that they are triggers to make you worse or vice-versa.