how do i argue constructively without emotions taking over?

angry wife - reading your post's you sound identical to my daughter-in-law. I do not know your in-law's, but if they are anything like us, they probably care very deeply for their son and for you! Our daughter-in-law used to truly like us and we have always supported her - now(she's pregnant) she has used us as a scapegoat for all their problems - she is very, very angry and lashes out in the most hateful ways - the funny thing is, I still love her, even though she has made our lives a living hell. I realize she is pregnant and she's young and probably scared; however, I can honestly say I have never seen a pregnant woman that is so hostile and unkind! I think she has very severe insecurity issues, for she's also had alot of problems with her own family. No matter what I do, no matter what my intentions, no matter what my heart really feels - she is not happy and takes things completely the wrong way - always! It is heart breaking to us - the other night she screamed "You will never see MY baby!" I am afraid she's really gone over the deep end, and I am so afraid - I also feel heart sick for my son, for he has to be her husband but also our son - we love our son, we could NEVER stop loving him. Why can't she ever stop and listen to what we mean or feel? Why can't she see the we CARE for her. Don't always be so hard on the "in-laws" - I have to tell you, I have never been through anything that is so painful. I would love to get a response, I am in need of support - thanks.

arguement is an art. unfortunately the skill is to keep emotions out, because emotions actually -are- like holes in your brain, not physically, but in neuron connections. what this means is that your arguement, which is based on logic strings concerning your own and your opponents arguements, have gaps. once a gap opens, it is like a tear in fabric, emotion ensues and then you need more control to keep it closed.
but if you arent aware of anger creeping up then it will get out of control and the fabric of logic will fall away to pure emotion, due to the nature of the emotion - an arguement, it is anger, for you are inable to compete with an opposition.

but how do teh tears start? i believe it occurs when one doesnt believe in the arguement theyre saying, or doesnt the the other person will give in to an arguement, and so, the strings of logic thin down without any confidence to keep them going. it is of course, natural to merely fight as an animal, however humans have a higher level of competition- arguement, which is sort of like a layer on top of animal instincts, emotions.

this is where assertion comes in. if you are confident in yourself, then you will know that it doesnt matter what the other person argues, its just oppinion. confidence maintains the fabric of arguement logic.

at teh same time, if what you believe in is just bunk, this can have problems if you dont have enough faith in yourself or simply the other person shows you where you are wrong. in tehse instances, teh best thing to do is either concede that the other person is right (hard and really just the quick exit), or continue to formulate arguments based not on your belief but merely on what the other person is saying.

if you can weave an arguement based purely by what someone else is saying, there is no way that emotion can get involved because it is no longer an issue of your confidence, by theirs.


unfortunately for women, they are more susceptable to bad arguements. women have more.. strands of logic that they can weave together at once. however, the bonds are not held together very well in women, and so they end up with endless pathways to irrational emotions.
men on the other hand, have less ability to multi-think, but are also less susceptable to having their confidence dropped in an arguement. men therefor can integrate their emotions into their arguement which may be very one tracked (and therefor easier or harder to shut down), whereas women can try to think of too many things at once and fall apart into random emotion.

it balances out for the sexes in teh end, but overall women just have to try harder to keep emotions out of arguements wheras men have to try hard not to use their fist as the conclusion to their oppinion.

arguement is an art. unfortunately the skill is to keep emotions out, because emotions actually -are- like holes in your brain, not physically, but in neuron connections. what this means is that your arguement, which is based on logic strings concerning your own and your opponents arguements, have gaps. once a gap opens, it is like a tear in fabric, emotion ensues and then you need more control to keep it closed.
but if you arent aware of anger creeping up then it will get out of control and the fabric of logic will fall away to pure emotion, due to the nature of the emotion - an arguement, it is anger, for you are inable to compete with an opposition.

but how do teh tears start? i believe it occurs when one doesnt believe in the arguement theyre saying, or doesnt the the other person will give in to an arguement, and so, the strings of logic thin down without any confidence to keep them going. it is of course, natural to merely fight as an animal, however humans have a higher level of competition- arguement, which is sort of like a layer on top of animal instincts, emotions.

this is where assertion comes in. if you are confident in yourself, then you will know that it doesnt matter what the other person argues, its just oppinion. confidence maintains the fabric of arguement logic.

at teh same time, if what you believe in is just bunk, this can have problems if you dont have enough faith in yourself or simply the other person shows you where you are wrong. in tehse instances, teh best thing to do is either concede that the other person is right (hard and really just the quick exit), or continue to formulate arguments based not on your belief but merely on what the other person is saying.

if you can weave an arguement based purely by what someone else is saying, there is no way that emotion can get involved because it is no longer an issue of your confidence, by theirs.


unfortunately for women, they are more susceptable to bad arguements. women have more.. strands of logic that they can weave together at once. however, the bonds are not held together very well in women, and so they end up with endless pathways to irrational emotions.
men on the other hand, have less ability to multi-think, but are also less susceptable to having their confidence dropped in an arguement. men therefor can integrate their emotions into their arguement which may be very one tracked (and therefor easier or harder to shut down), whereas women can try to think of too many things at once and fall apart into random emotion.

it balances out for the sexes in teh end, but overall women just have to try harder to keep emotions out of arguements wheras men have to try hard not to use their fist as the conclusion to their oppinion.

launchboxbill -
Yes, interesting points you've made. Not sure I totally understood it all (gaps in the logic strands,?) But anyway, I think your very right that one must learn to "relax" and don't get so uptight about it all. It is very difficult however, for we have seen such a drastic change in our daughter-in-laws behavior - no one knows how to approach her, what to say to her, etc. etc. She seems to be spiralling out of control - I'm actually quite worried about her, and for my son; she is carrying my first grandchild - we have all been so excited, happy and supportive - it has now turned in to just an ugly thing. I can't do anything, and I am not sure anyone can do anything, I'm worried that she is heading for a serious postpartum depression. She seems to care for her unborn child - yet she has not eaten healthy, does not want to get his room ready (even though she delivers in about 1 month), and she does not want any help.

I guess I would like to know how other "in-laws" handle all this - I have NEVER felt this way aout my own In-laws. I don't understand all this drama and trauma - its such a waste of precious time - why can't we all just live in peace??? And doesn't she understand this "anger" she won't let go of is harmful to her unborn babe. Any thoughts?
THANKS!

what a mess we're all in all because of our anger. I throw boyfriends out all the time and expect them to know what I really mean is stay. The only way out of all of this is to learn how to assert needs without getting angry, when anyone works out how to do this let me know !!!!