Hi!
I'll just start by getting straight into it. I'm shy, but at the same time, I like interacting with people, within reason, and quite love putting myself out there, I do it alot. I've made friends by doing it, but the thing that lets me down is that I'm constantly overthinking in social situations and trying to please other people. I'm not loud or wildly extroverted, and not to blow my own trumpet, but I'm quite flamboyant in a kind of reserved way, I like to think I have a good sense of humour; I was always the class clown at school, in a good way. I live for laughter. These good points of mine are constantly pulled back by my bad points, though; my overthinking and doubting of myself.
When talking to that someone I've just met or don't know well, or even people I do know really well, I overthink, my mind scrambling for something to say, and put massive pressure on myself. It's as if I'm trying to be the 'right' guy; for example, I'll internally panic a bit, my mind thinking "What if they think I'm not confident enough, or too shy, or something else?" All of this puts a leash on that sense of humour and flamboyance that I mentioned above. It gets pulled back, like I'm unable to bring it out because I'm overthinking so much; I can't be myself properly.
It's demoralising. Afterwards, I'll think to myself "I should have done this better, I should have been more confident" and put the entire thing down to a failure on my part.
I'm in the process of getting counselling for this, but in addition, are there any little tips anyone has, or pieces of advice, perhaps from their own experiences? I'd appreciate it alot.
Many thanks!
Confidence and overthinking in social situations.
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by Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Apr 18, 2019 10:01 am
The main tip...stop focusing on you.
When you meet someone, I guarantee you are not really listening to what they are telling you. I’m not saying you are ignoring them, but your not fully engaged. You can’t be. You are focused on how to make yourself look flamboyant or what you need to say to get them to like you. It is all about you, you, you in your head, so when they finish and the conversation comes to a natural pause, you don’t have a follow up question. Why? Because you learned nothing about them. You learned some surface information that you don’t even care about, because you are so focused on what they will think about you.
No worries, you are not alone. Many people are focused more on themselves and their own appearance than on the other person. It is normal.
Regardless, the #1 tip for improving socially is to forget about trying to get a laugh or to impress them by showing them how witty or awesome you are. Instead, just take a genuine interest in their life. Ask them questions, follow up with more questions, and genuinely listen. In no time it becomes easy to have a conversation as they enjoy that someone is listening.
When you meet someone, I guarantee you are not really listening to what they are telling you. I’m not saying you are ignoring them, but your not fully engaged. You can’t be. You are focused on how to make yourself look flamboyant or what you need to say to get them to like you. It is all about you, you, you in your head, so when they finish and the conversation comes to a natural pause, you don’t have a follow up question. Why? Because you learned nothing about them. You learned some surface information that you don’t even care about, because you are so focused on what they will think about you.
No worries, you are not alone. Many people are focused more on themselves and their own appearance than on the other person. It is normal.
Regardless, the #1 tip for improving socially is to forget about trying to get a laugh or to impress them by showing them how witty or awesome you are. Instead, just take a genuine interest in their life. Ask them questions, follow up with more questions, and genuinely listen. In no time it becomes easy to have a conversation as they enjoy that someone is listening.
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by MichaelS » Fri Apr 19, 2019 8:23 pm
Agree with Richard I am naturally shy yet work as a magician. even on the phone during a sales conversation I used to get super nervous. NOW I ask questions to find out what someone really wants and I get to help out.
Just look to help others I use this little mantra walking into a social situation, "What can I give?" a lot of times in is my attention to listen to someone else. We all seek validation and attention when You give it to someone else they will like you.
Be careful, don't do it as tactic. Get genuinely involved in the person's life. I try to figure out what this person knows that I don;t what unique thing they do or experience they have had that i can truly learn from.
Just look to help others I use this little mantra walking into a social situation, "What can I give?" a lot of times in is my attention to listen to someone else. We all seek validation and attention when You give it to someone else they will like you.
Be careful, don't do it as tactic. Get genuinely involved in the person's life. I try to figure out what this person knows that I don;t what unique thing they do or experience they have had that i can truly learn from.
by Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Apr 19, 2019 11:17 pm
What can I give. I like that. I’m going to use it.
- Richard@DecisionSkills
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