Need serious help.

Well as you can tell by my subject and forum name I have lost all self esteem. I'm a drastic situation. If I had the courage I would no longer walk this Earth. I have become the most bitter, hateful, self-centered bastard you could imagine.

7 Basic Needs Test
1. I talk to lifelong friend daily. I try to chit chat with co-workers.
2. Sleep has become a bit better w/ 20mg of Ambien. Though with out it I have no purpose to get up. My work has tolerated me coming into work when I get their for 3 years now.
3. This need is wanted badly. I have no self worth. Why try each day except to give to the machine. I'm not in a position to help humanity. If I was I'm not going to make a dent anyways.
4. I had religion forced down my throat in my early years. So this is a real hard need to ever fulfull.
5. I use to self teach my self various subject. But I have no patience. I lose focus and then fall in to the mindset of why even bother. In 50 or sooner years I'll be dead.
6. I really think this need has never been addressed.
7. I must have some control I haven't lost it or hurt anyone yet. I swear it's a struggle sometimes. Driving is very stressful, waiting in line is another nightmare. In these position rage starts setting in for no apparent reason. 50% of the time someone get a severe tongue lashing and then I'm called an a**hole which of course I am.

Background info:
29 Male Single
Sexually, Physically, and Mentally Abused as a child
Raised in multiple foster care homes
Multiple Jr. High and Highschools.
No College

Currently I'm a Software Engineer for a Major Computer Man. Company.

Many would say I've made it. I might of in someone elses eyes. But I've made it with a ton of harsh baggage. I really don't know how I cope day to day. Except to know I believe I block a ton of stuff out. My memories are vague, none are vivid.

I had taken some meds to help with this but I'm currently med free. I had been prescribed Paxil,Celexa, Lex, Neurontin, Seroquel. They kind of made things better but I didn't know who I was on these drugs. They really changed me. It was a bit scary. After seeing a positive reaction from society. I feel seriously hard into another depression from guilt of being a very bad person. I'm lost here guys and gals. I don't know any way out that is productive. I appreciate anyone who has the courage to talking my issue.

thanks,
flawedhuman