If you have anxiety, read this to lighten up your day.

so let me actually sit down and analyse whats happening to me.

no wonder i only feel anxiety. school sucks so much and people call you names sometimes. its also boring as hell. I try to do my best in school even with anxiety but there are some lessons I just dont understand.. like computer science (information technology). I still dont understand how that could become a real lesson taught in school.
I could sit down and try to learn 5 hours straight on the pc, which I already did, even with my father, and not see any progress. It is impossible to improve in some lessons.

Whats even worse for me is sports lessons. I eat little in school cause of anxiety but I try to eat as much as possible. So im rather thin. it was worse back then. But now apart from school my stupid father attaches to me and tells me what to do.
like dont sit on a chair when brushing your teeth, i know maybe its weird, but anxiety the morning before school I feel very tired and exhausted. I dont know man.. I always feel tired and exhausted but mentally. I can workout I tried it but anxiety messes with me even for working out. Its not really a physical problem to workout for me I can do it very well for 1 hour straight, sometimes even more, but many times I dont want to. Its more of a problem with my mind, because my father tells me to workout and go outside more. But what can I do I dont have friends and I dont want any.

My time is almost up. I learned to hate people in school. Now what do I do? What every student with asperger, ocd and anxiety does. I lie on my bed and watch youtube on my mobile phone. sometimes I play manhunt 2 cause I like killing people. Thats literally all I do. For the past 5 years I felt like this. Only anxiety and nothing I can do about it.
Its because all I can think of anymore.. is f*cking school. Tomorrow is school, tomorrow is school. Even on the damn weekend I have anxiety. Cause my father is a little b*tch and shouts at me for doing almost nothing.

And now I have intrusive thoughts. Today in school someone said a bad thing about me in class that everyone heard.
Hm.. Im used to this stuff so I just take it. What else can I do?
You know I realised something. When I take my stupid unnecessary medicine every morning that probably only makes me withdraw more and represses sh*t (and costs a lot money), I withdraw and when something provocative happens, I get that burning feeling inside. It can feel very strong that burning feeling, I guess it's just anger that wants to be expressed.
But I sound like a p*ssy when I express any feeling cus my voice sounds stupid.
So I just ignore everything I can.

I learned to cope with this feeling by coming home quickly then watch youtube or play manhunt 2 haha.
I love killing virtual people. And I have intrusive thoughts when I get that burning feeling inside but when play videogames like that it absorbs the feeling which is good. Maybe real killing would do it too?
Dont worry I wont become a killer and if I would, I would only kill my parents. I hate them. They never helped me, all they can do is shout everyday thinking that something will change. How retarded can you get. I already have anxiety problems and they're making it worse. Also why would I want revenge for some idiot with his super cool friends bullying other people when I can actually make the creator of my life suffer. I just want to die already life is so boring. Only 9gag, games and school. I never asked for this life. No matter what happens next to me I will always believe that life is the most unnecessary thing ever made. The fun part is that it hurts to take away your life so you're trapped here.

I really wonder how there will be an explanation for the jews under the concentration camps. What do the religious people even believe? That hitler will be punished for his sh**? haha good luck with that. Hitler was always in the background having tea party with his fellow nazi fagits. It is YOU the people who tortured the jews cause you sit back and let this happen. And I think that all people who know life well.. you know Im talking about love and pain. Those who do know both sides, they always know that bad things in life happen way more often than the goods and it is so obvious that this life is useless. I can already tell whats gonna happen next. I will live with anxiety as I continued to live until now and soon im going to work. Im going to be the loneliest f*cker in the world because I hate people and ill die a virgin, heh. i hate all people equally.

But you know whats really funny? That those retards in the hospital didnt figure out I had anxiety. Like seriously???
All you need is one look at me.. the ripped nails, the dark circles around the eyes and obvious anxiety. And all they could come up with was schizophrenia and asperger. Lol. Lets be honest here. Mental illness doesnt exist. It is an illusion.
Yes its true people have symptoms of ocd and that stuff but labeling it as a mental illness is far from truth. It is just a way to cope with things. And giving someone some retard pills to make the symptoms worse over time so their patients will buy more if they believe this sh**, is so badass. Otherwise they will be labeled as deluded cause they dont accept the pills. Do you really think that white looking plastic pill is going to do anything for your anxiety except giving some side effects?

Well Ive taken them for some time now. I can say that... nothing f***ing changed!! I still kill people in manhunt 2 for fun and its the best part of my life. I wish I could do this forever.
But you people believe that videogames like manhunt make little adults kill people, huh?
They may give the idea but thats not nearly enough and far away from executing the job.
Why doesnt rockstar just make manhunt 3 with the best graphics and the most gruesome executions ever. It would be a calming thing. The music in that game is calming and so are the executions. Im tired of normal people listening to sh** happy radio music, SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND! Id rather watch an hour of manhunt 2 executions on youtube.

I dont even know why i am writing this.. is because im bored.

Why do people even think they can heal anxiety. Its not possible! If you have anxiety you will have it all your life, no doubt about it. Or those anti depressiva pills. What are the side effects of these? May trigger suicide, right? How does that even make sense? Shouldnt these prevent stuff like this?

Anyways... i even have anxiety when my parents come home. both of them! I feel a lot better when im alone. Although after 12 hours i may feel exhausted when im alone half of the day.
Why would I even care to do work? Lets be honest I have crippling anxiety and all I would like to do is workout and be alone. I want to be free! i dont care anymore. let me work for some multi million company and sit on a pc for half the day. still better than swinging the hammer.

I want less teamwork, more independence. We don't need police, it may be helpful sometimes but in the long run its just another string to serve the government. or should I say project?
People should learn to do all things themselves cause thats how the world works. Noone should work for anyone else except themselves. This family sh** made up by society is wrong. There is no family, no mother, no father, we're all seperate. Its all in your head. Isnt that how it is?

The cure to anxiety is peace of mind, isnt that what they say? then what is peace of mind?
The way it sounds like to me, is being "free from thought". Impossible in this world.
Remember how you were as a kid, everything felt right, except your parents holding you down and giving rules. If everyone was a free thinker like a child, then humans would be no different from animals. Take away that society crap and money and all things associated with that, and we begin to show our true selves.
Im so tired of going to school and repeating class because of one or two failed lessons because I cant do sh** about it. actually ive only repeated once yet, but going to be a second time to repeat class.

wish me luck guys! I'll just leave this here.