Seeking Advice

Hi Everyone.

I'm currently awaiting CBT therapy (going for the second time) and I was wondering if anyone would be able to offer me some advice on the following:

I've suffered with anxiety/depression/intrusive thoughts my whole life. I had a bad breakdown in 2011 where I tried to take my own life because I had no idea what was wrong with me. This was all due to me having intrusive thoughts about my significant other. My thoughts were all surrounding about me not loving him which was not true at all which is what caused my anxiety. I went CBT for a period of 10 months and it really helped me out. I was put on meds and have been on and off these for 7 years.

Recently, I've started to feel really anxious again. The suicidal thoughts have come back. I just feel like, I'm going to end uo ending my own life because I don't know what's wrong with me and I feel like no one understands. I'm starting a new job in September and I've started dating someone new. Already, because of my anxiety, I am wanting to push him away. Even though, I really like him. I had a telephone assessment with a therapist who stated that I have social anxiety as a result of how I was severely bullied at high school which has really impacted my self esteem. I got bullied about my appearance and got dropped from 2 sets of friendship groups. I was a loner in my own class and this majorly affected my confidence.

I start my new job in two weeks as a newly qualified teacher. I am scared I'm not going to be working to my best ability. The guy I am dating knows what I am going through but I'm scared I am going to push him away. He suffers with his mental health as well so I don't know if this is a good mix. We have been dating for a month. We're taking it slow.

I'm just fed up of feeling like this. It's just a massive pain. I feel like I am letting everyone down by feeling this way. I should be feeling excited. I have a new job, a new car on the way and I am dating a nice guy. But, why do I feel the way I do? All I want to do is sleep all the time and cuddle with my dog. When I'm out with friends/family, I lose my concentration easily. I'm scared they're going to get fed up of me. I hate being alone with my thoughts.

Any advice?