did I do more harm than good

Postby OneWhoCares » Fri Jun 17, 2011 11:14 am

I'm not a psychologist but I play one in real life a lot. People talk to me, and I listen.

Last night a girl I'm close to opened up to me in a big way. (all through txt) She accidentally let out a bit about a relationship she doesn't talk about. So I asked a question, and she answered it. I asked another, and she answered. We continued this way for well over an hour until she had to go to bed. There were times where she said there were details no one else in the world knows, or how f*in hard it was for her to answer. I never directly acknowledged those statements because I was afraid if we got derailed or she got too self-conscious, she would stop. But afterwords, I realized they were important statements, so when she went to bed, I sent a follow-up txt thanking her for trusting me, and for keeping on even when it was hard. The only other time where what I said wasn't a question was when she called her thoughts "f*cked up". I told her it wasn't because people who have been through what she has been through often feel that way (she was raped and abused in college).

After I laid in bed, I thought about things. My attitude towards everyone is always to talk. And if there are strong feelings involved, doubly so. That's why I wanted her to keep talking about it. Did I do a good thing last night or did I do more harm than good? What should I do differently next time? How should I act towards her today, like the conversation never happened last night?
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#1

Postby ModernCondition » Fri Jun 17, 2011 7:31 pm

As to whether you did more harm that good, or vice versa...only she knows the answer to that. It's never a bad thing to be there to listen to someone who needs a friendly and sympathetic ear. Whether your "prying" went too far? Who can say? She probably would have clammed up if it had...but there's no black and white when it comes to stuff like this.

As to whether you should act like it never happened? Absolutely. At least, until she brings it up again. She's the one dealing with the emotional baggage...not you. Let her decide where her boundaries are with respect to this stuff. The best thing you can be is a friend...and it sounds like you're doing an ok job so far.

Hope it all goes well for the both of you.
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#2

Postby Sluagh » Fri Jun 24, 2011 2:12 pm

Get yourself into psychoanalytic/psychodynamic psychotherapy and find out why you feel/act the way you do
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#3

Postby Erskine » Wed Jun 29, 2011 4:19 am

Hi OneWhoCares,
As you said you are not psychologist and people love to talk with you and share their problems with you. So I think you did a nice job. Having someone to share your feelings and problems is getting difficult in busy schedule. Don't get panic and if the girl is stressed bring her back to life.
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#4

Postby foxyboy » Sun Jul 10, 2011 6:17 pm

i was told this at mental hospital , as i bonded with everyone , dangerous or placid, My then theropist said i should do voluntary work , but i tend to tell people what i think, an it can be not what they want to hear. I am abrazive but mean no harm , an if i talk to you face to face people can see that. But my family have enough on with one nut ball , an if you do voluntary you never know what you may trigger. :shock:
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#5

Postby Candid » Sun Jul 10, 2011 7:12 pm

I don't think anything slipped out 'accidentally'; I believe she had noticed you are One Who Cares and was testing the water. She needed to talk and you must have been asking the right questions.

It may be too late to make suggestions for follow-up, but I think it would be quite hurtful to pretend the conversation never happened. Seeing as you're now a counsellor, regardless of qualifications, the best thing you can do is follow her lead. If she wants to talk more, go with it. If she wants to avoid the issue now, you could just let her know you're willing to listen any time.

If you think you're getting out of your depth, tell her that honestly and offer to find the help she needs, then follow through on your word. She might not have the confidence to see an appropriate professional herself, but if you made an appointment and offered to meet her afterwards it would be a lot easier for her.

Good luck! You sound like a great friend.
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