I wrote this today, because tomorrow it is my 23rd birthday. Hopefully it will serve as some kind of inspiration to somebody out there, even if it is one single person. Thanks for reading!
Memoir of Reflection – Chapter 22
Ah, yes – another year has come to pass; one year closer to joining the kingdom of heaven, though I am in no big rush to get there.
Many things have transpired during this twenty second year of my life – many things of which are huge milestones and others not so much.
I turned from agnostic to born again Christian. It is a wonderful thing to have found love and warmth through Jesus Christ, but being a devout Christian comes at a very high price. As humans living in today’s times, everything has to be fast and convenient, and I am using this in reference to what the bible calls ‘renewing your mind in Christ’. Illogical Christians read this bible scripture (Romans 12:1) and think that by the power of God that transformation is instant, but what I know is in complete contrast with this illogical belief. Renewing your mind and spirit is a painful experience with much suffering and grief, but of course like anything that is worth your while it takes time patience and pain to achieve results that you are satisfied with. Conforming to the ways of Christ and staying faithful to them requires a lot of pick-yourself-up-and-try-again. After all, you are changing the established ways and beliefs that you have conformed to at the hands of this world, and anything that is habitual takes great effort and will to break.
There is also this upsetting illogical misconception about the devil – that all the focus of his temptations are on things like sexual temptations, material temptations; all things of a self indulging nature, however, the endless combinations of temptations the devil has to offer people are exactly that, endless. Shame on anybody ignorant enough to believe that the ‘devil is only as big as you make him’. Shame and mercy on anybody who underestimates just how much power Satan really has over our people. His grip is like strangulation which cuts off our spiritual air and keeps us absorbed in the rat race and ultimately far, far away from Christ. If your eyes are opened in Christ, almost everywhere you look in mainstream society you can see Satan’s workings being brought about.
And so, being a Christian has made me this: an ugly weed which sticks out in contrast with Satan’s perfect bed of grass which he continuously comes to try and weed-out. I have placed myself in the crosshairs and Satan points his finger at me and says “LOOK”. I myself am weak and insufficient. I have no ability or power to defend myself, I recognize and accept this and place my faith in Jesus whom I trust to take my life in any direction that he wishes. May his will be done to glorify himself.
During this twenty second year of my life, my heart has become hardened. As a child, teenager, and young adult I was very sensitive to what my eyes would see. I could be brought to tears by seeing just one homeless person on the street begging for help. As it is now, every other day that I drive my wife to work in downtown Vancouver there is about 10 blocks of homeless, suffering and drugged up people who look to be in their own personal hell. My heart is calloused. Though sympathy is felt even if not deserved, no longer can tears fall from my face. Pain and depression, hopelessness and anger are temptations to be felt by what I see – the devil’s masterful work, and I recognize this now.
I was baptized at my church this year, and I’ll never forget how I felt the spirit of God moving in my heart that day. Salvation is not obtained through being baptized. Healing is not obtained through being baptized. In fact, nothing is obtained through being baptized - only something is given. Being baptized is a declaration of life long faithfulness to Jesus. Baptism is saying ‘Yes, I want to be recognized as being a part of you Jesus and you a part of me’. I spoke well in front of my entire church audience in hopes of inspiring others to step up to the plate and get baptized – and judging by the cheers and applause I received I think I did Christ’s work well that day.
At every stage of my life growing up, I have always felt incredibly passionate about the things I believe in. This is still the case, and with misuse can be a plague. In my earliest stages of becoming born again, my vigorous and sometimes bigoted ways of belief perhaps rubbed quite a few people the wrong way. I have no regrets though, as those things had to occur for me to learn that God is big enough to defend himself.
When I was practicing my belief in the New Age movement, I had an incredible ability to persuade all walks of people to this movement through clever and intimate wordplay which resulted in me reaching deep down inside a person to steer them to my beliefs, and I did so in the numbers. I say this to all of you, my ability to do so now is so much harder. To succeed in doing this, a non-believer has to recognize that he/she is not in control of their lives. And that can be quite scary for some. Belonging to Christianity means consequences and accountability coinciding with your actions which is in contrast with the New Age movement. Simply said, people don’t enjoy rules and regulations – ‘I make my own fate’.
On March 10th of this twenty second year of my life, I became married to Melanie Garnett. By both God’s law and Man’s law I have bound myself to this woman, and thank God for that – she is my better half. What a blur and haze that day was. I don’t remember much of it, but I do remember the tranquil sense of peace that I felt, quite contrary to what a man typically feels during his wedding; nerves riddled with fear. They say that the first five years are the hardest. I say this to all of you, that is true. Already, over a period of just 5 months there have been incredible ups and downs; we have been riddled with difficulties - incredible adversities. However, just as in the beginning of our relationship, we rode through the storms and still came through it whole – as one. We grow closer each passing day.
Speaking in general non-religious terms, I have heard this ideology about the ‘pursuit of happiness’ – it is something ironic like happiness is felt and had during the journey to supposed happiness. I say this to all of you, that is true. With the partnership Melanie and I share, over a period of 2 years goals and aspirations have been coined. Mostly all of these goals have been achieved, but new goals arose – no time to enjoy the achievements; ‘lets move on to something else’. The excitement and happiness was felt on the way to achievement, but it seems to be in our nature to always…want…more. Yes. The wages of war on our minds bodies and spirits are incredible. It is always flourishing with activity and never still. This is something I would personally like to work on; an ability to become still within.
During this twenty second year of my life, I have witnessed my baby girl become a semi-independent free spirited humor driven affectionate little person. She is a little person now! It honestly baffles me…I become bewildered thinking about it. She has her own preferences for a lot of different things. She has become very vocal! She has a great ability to communicate how she feels and what she wants! I often experience a sense of euphoria when I take her to a park to play. As I sit on a bench and observe her enjoying her worry/stress free life, I often reflect and still have the ability to remember such a time when I shared that same sense of peace. I thank God regularly for my daughter, as she has helped to spawn a kind of love inside of me which otherwise I would be incapable of feeling or producing.
The devil has tempted me to feel anxiety and worry about my daughter in regards to when she is older. A million scenarios would play in my head about different outcomes and possibilities with her life, but this year I learned not to believe in nor give into these temptations. My daughter is a watermelon seed, and if I squeeze her between my fingers she will slip away over time – however, if I place her in my palm and offer her life to God then I can surely have peace and rest in his divine nature and authority over her life.
During this twenty second year of my life, I have learned to hunger and thirst after righteousness through God’s Word. Though sometimes for a short period I backslide, most of the time I feel no personal gain or reward to have the things of this world. It is becoming more and more that I feel excitement as though I am reaping great rewards by reading the Word of God. To gain understanding of the way God operates to the best of my human ability, to me, is a powerful and rewarding thing. It is my plan to press on and as much as I can with both mine and God’s strength to transfigure to what he wants me to be, not what I want me to be.
During this twenty second year of my life, I have come to understand that God is my father – he is not my leader, he is not a militant figure which I should tremble before, but rather he is my loving and perfect father. I do however, still have and promote a healthy fear of him. I believe that where there is not a healthy fear there is absence of a healthy respect. When God so chooses to rebuke me for whatever reason he may, I need to be sensitive to it and willing to watch, listen and learn. For this is what a loving father is, a figure in ones life who teaches through unconditional love out of the best interest of his child.
During this twenty second year of my life, I’ve have come to realize that I am growing apart from the rest of what little family I have. I am heading in a completely separate direction and my ideals and morality strongly differ from theirs. Though this stirs up a bit of sadness, I also realize that God works in his people in different ways – some faster than others. In no way am I saying that I am better than the next man, I am saying however that my for the most part my priorities are straight…and my heart is where it needs to be.
During this twenty second year of my life, I have increasingly come to look forward to a time where life slows down and with my wife, I can just relax. Though I am far ahead of myself, I look forward to a time when I can play with my grandchildren. I look forward to a time where there are established family traditions like Christmas dinners and such. I look forward to a time where I am sitting on my porch in a rocking chair drinking some tea, just watching the world move at a hundred thousand miles an hour – and not being a part of it. Most of all, I have come to look forward to watching my daughter become a beautiful and articulate woman whom I have offered my all to and taught as much as I can; perfectly willing to sacrifice myself so that she might be a better person than I was.
Tomorrow I turn twenty three years old, and a new chapter begins. I pray that I become a better person than I was this year. I pray for endless strength to deal with the Diablo’s Snares – perfectly laid out for me to come across at some point or another. I pray for strengthened unity within my family circle, and that we may continue to achieve the goals that we have set out for ourselves. I pray for greater spiritual understanding and a continual growing closeness with God and Jesus, and I thank you God for all things which have transpired this year – surely it could not have unfolded any other way, because you are in complete control of every single aspect of mine and my family’s lives.
-Justin St.Charles
August 16th 2007
11:00 a.m.