Depressed and Completely Alone.

I'm not a stranger to the feelings of depression and anxiety; since my pre-teen years, I've been diagnosed with both. I'm sure many of you reading are no strangers to these feelings either. We learn to cope with these feelings, whether that means ignoring them or trying to rewire them into something more sustainable and positive. I just don't think I know how to do that anymore, though. I've done therapy, medication, nothing helps me. In the past, I've learned to live with bulimia, stupidly low self esteem, and the guilt of a suicide attempt from when I was eighteen. For a while though, things were actually pretty great. Two years ago I started college. I made so many friends, fell in love with a young man my age, and made so many great opportunities for myself. Now, all of that is disappearing. My friends, the only friends I really had, are all gone. Being mostly foreign students, they left the country at the end of the previous semester and went home permanently, marking the end of their studies in the U.S. Drastic time zone differences make any communication with them extremely rare. I went from having a gigantic support system to practically nothing in the span of a week. My boyfriend, though not gone forever, will be a three hour drive away from me for the next three months. He is doing a summer program at this great school and he will only be available during the weekends until it is over. I spend my days looking for a job, applying anywhere I can think of only to not even be offered one interview. The last job I had was working for a Santa set (where parents pay to have their children photographed with a Santa look-alike). It paid less that the state minimum wage and the Santa look-alike made unsavory comments to me on a daily basis. He once said to me, and I quote, "you're over eighteen so don't expect me to control myself around you." But I guess those comments were okay with everyone because, hey, it's Santa and not some sixty year-old man who works only once a year. I obviously quit that job and have not been working ever since, no matter how hard I've been trying to find something else. I wish to keep acting in plays. It is my passion and what I live for, I am even a Theatre Arts major. I was in absolute bliss last year with local acting awards I had been nominated for. It felt like all my hard work had been paying off. Now I'm uncastable. It's practically impossible for me to even get a callback despite my local reputation. When I'm not working on my performance skills, I feel like I'm wasting my time. I want to go to drama school and I'll never get in without as much experience as possible.
All my friends are gone, and with no job or school I have no way to make new ones. I spend each day in the house, looking for something to do with myself and feeling useless. Tonight is especially bad. Lonlier than ever, I texted my boyfriend who is so far away from me. It's about two in the morning, and I didn't expect a reply, I knew he'd be sleeping but just being able to say something, anything to someone made me feel so much better. I got a reply. It was him being angry that I texted him so late because his ringer was on and it could have woken his roommates. This crushed me. In that moment it felt like I really was completely alone and useless. I've been trying to play it cool because no woman wants to be the emotionally unstable wreck of a girlfriend. I've been downplaying the truth about what my life has been like since he, and everyone else, left. But the truth is I am an emotional wreck. I have no one and nothing to do with myself. Maybe I just need to vent; get it all out and I'll figure out what to do soon. But in the meantime, I'm at the tipping point of an absolute mental breakdown and not sure what to do. Just the idea of anyone reading this comforts me. I guess I just need to be heard. Stay classy.